TV Classics: Hillary's Hellcats
The action-adventure genre got a sexy shot in the arm in 1983 with the debut of Hillary's Hellcats, the Friday night NBC series starring Farrah Sansabelt-Haggar as Hillary Dale, leader of an undercover international all-girl danger squad. The series is best remembered as the launching pad for starlet Quiana Morganny, whose bikini-clad portrayal of singing Hellcat Sheryl Ravencroftington led to millions of dorm poster sales, two top-20 singles, and a career as spokeswoman for Eco-Soft toilet tissue. Despite its fast-paced action and feminist empowerment message, the show generated lackluster Nielsens and was canceled after only 12 episodes. Some TV critics of the time blamed the mediocre ratings on Sansabelt-Haggar, who, at 61, was thought to be too seasoned and pudgy for the frequent bikini scenes. The toll of the critical brickbats ended her marriage to country CB music star Rance Haggar ("Breaker 1-9, Hot Stuff", "Lot Lizard Fever") who provided the voice of Mister C, the Hellcats' mysterious boss who was never seen on screen.
For his part, series producer Irving Z. Green chalks up its failure to the 1980's zeitgeist.
"Back then, viewers were looking for crazy, escapist, implausible storylines," says Green. "But not that crazy and implausible."
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EPISODE 1-04: Showdown in Slavsnia
Title Sequence
Narrator
By day, they're a traveling trio of professional softball players. But when danger calls they become... Hillary's Hellcats!
(split screen montage; closeups with chattering teletype titles)
Starring Farrah Sansabelt-Haggar as...
HILLARY DALE
CODENAME: "NAILS"
POSITION: MANAGER / PITCHER
SKILLS: KARATE / DEMOLITIONCo-starring Quiana Morganny as...
SHERYL RAVENCROFTINGTON
CODENAME: "PIPES"
POSITION: LEFT FIELD
SKILLS: SINGING/SONGWRITING, BIKINIIntroducing Brandi Razorbach as...
CHELSEA THAMESWATER
CODENAME: "THE FACE"
POSITION: SHORTSTOP
SKILLS: DISGUISEWith D.J. "L.T." Cuisinart as...
J.J. SINBAD
CODENAME: "LEADFOOT"
POSITION: TEAM VAN DRIVER
SKILLS: PARALLEL PARKING, WISECRACKS
And featuring the voice of Rance Haggar as "Mister C"
Lockerroom: Hellcats are congratulating each other after a tough victory
Hillary (High-fiving Sheryl)
Great game, Hellcats! I thought we were gonna lose there for a second.
Sheryl
Looks like you get the game ball again, Nails -- thanks to your 9th inning home run!
Chelsea (applying face powder)
Not to mention your 8th inning beanball that sent their best hitter to the hospital!
Hillary
Hey, c'mon, Hellcats -- that was a team victory. Pipes, you really showed 'em you weren't afraid to get your bikini dirty!
Sheryl (catching towel thrown by Hillary)
Thanks -- and you showed you are one hell of a switch hitter!
Hillary (leaning against locker)
So, uh, Sheryl... do you have anything planned this weekend? There's an LPGA tournament going on and I was thinking...
Phone
doodledoot doodledoo doodledoot doodledoo
Sinbad (poking head into locker room)
You heard the danger phone, ladies! Let's get a move on!
Hillary
Drop those powder puffs, Hellcats! To the Dangervan!
Inside the Custom DMC Econohaul Dangervan
Intercom
Good morning, Hellcats.
Hellcats
Morning Mister C! What's our assignment?
Intercom
It's a tough one ladies. There's trouble brewing in Slavsnia.
Chelsea
I smell a rat!
Cheryl
Yeah, Chels. A big rat named General Globbojar and his Merdistani rebels!
Hillary
Sounds like they're up to their old ethnic cleansing tricks again!
Intercom
Exactly, Hillary. If you and the Hellcats don't get over there now and start calming things down, the violence might end up destabilizing the entire Lego Bloc. The fate of the world rests in your hands!
Sinbad
Do you really need us for the mission, Boss? The Marines are supposed to have things under control, plus the girls have a big slo-pitch tournament in Akron on Sunday.
Intercom
No, no, team -- I need you far, far away. In, um, Slavsnia.
Hillary
Well, if you say so, Mister C. Are you sure you don't want us to look into those mysterious late night noises that Sinbad heard coming from your office at HQ? It might be some kind of vast conspiracy.
Intercom
Negative, Hillary! I need you in Slavsnia ASAP. Well... now that you mention it, maybe you could leave Sheryl behind to help guard my office.
Hillary
Sorry Mister C. I have a feeling I'll be needing both Sheryl and her guitar for this mission.
Intercom
All right, girls, you've got your orders and your dossiers. Let's be careful out there!
Hillary
All right Hellcats, fasten you seatbelts. I have a feeling this is gonna be a bumpy ride!
Sinbad (pulling down pilot goggles)
Dangervan, don't fail me now!
Dangervan sprouts wings, converting into Dangerplane; roars into sky for Slavsnia
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Commercial Spot #1
Shots of female construction workers, business executives, jazzercisers, surgeons
Jingle
Who says you can't have everthing?
Voice Over
From the boardroom to the racetrack, you're yelling at the world to make room for the Eighties woman.
Jingle
Who says you can't wear a power tie over dainty underthings?
V/O
And shouldn't your beer be yelling the same thing? New Sisterhood Lager, the new power beer brewed by women for women. With the crisp clean taste that tells the world: We are one. We are woman. We are one big woman.
Montage of professional women toasting with Sisterhood lager in courtrooms, operating rooms, 4-alarm fires, Lamaze class.
V/O
Sisterhood Lager. Half the calories and twice the alcohol for the all-woman taste.
--------------------------------
Dangerplane bounces in the turbulent skies above Slavsnia.
Sinbad
Hang on, ladies! Looks like a rough landing ahead.
Sheryl
Are you okay Chels? Girl, you're white as a cadaver. It's like you have some kind of death grimace, like you just got startled by a hideous monster. Did you eat some tainted food or something? I mean... well, you look like you're ready to throw up or something.
Chelsea
No... I feel fine. What do you mean?
Sheryl
Um... oh. Well, anyway, I don't want you to be scared.
Chelsea
Heck, no! I'm not scared. Are you scared?
Sheryl
I'm not scared either!
Hillary
Listen up Hellcats! If you're not scared now, you better damn well start getting scared. We are about to land at one of the top 100 most dangerous airports in mid-central southeastern Europe. They say there are snipers behind every baggage carousel, and the airport janitors don't even bother to put up wet floor signs. In an environment like this, fear is your best friend. That fear fills you with adrenaline, and that adrenaline just might make the difference between surviving this mission and taking a sniper bullet while browsing the souvenir coffee mugs at Hudson News. Do I make myself clear?
Sheryl
Gee Hillary, I... I didn't know. We'll listen to you from now on.
Dangerplane touches down and taxis on tarmac. Wings retract as it transforms back to Dangervan and pulls up to gate. Jetway extends to van door.
Voice
Welcome to Gronkoslava International Airport. Sniper zones are located in baggage claim 4.
Sheryl (ready to enter jetway)
This is it, girls! Let's get ready to roll!
Hillary
Keep your bikini on Sheryl! That jetway could be full of snipers and land mines. This grenade ought to clear a path!
Hillary pulls grenade pin with teeth and tosses into jetway, explosion ensues
Hillary
C'mon Hellcats -- go go go! Keep your heads down!
Hellcats scramble into jetway,shoulder-rolling and belly-crawling to the gate door
Chelsea
Hey look -- it's a greeting party! The U.S. Marines and a little girl.
Sinbad
Aw, isn't she cute!
Little Girl
Welcome to my country, Hellcat ladies. Please to take ceremonial flowers.
Hillary
Watch out! It's a trap!
Hillary grabs Sheryl's guitar and wallops the little girl. Momentarily stunned, the little girl grabs an AK-47 and, joined by the fake Marines, train the weapons on the Hellcats. Surrounded, they raise their hands in surrender. An obese man in a military uniform enters.
Globbojar
Good work, Tatiana.
Chelsea
General Globbojar! Grrr!
Globbojar
Ah, Hillary's Hellcats. I've been expecting you. It seems you have heard of my midget assassin squad. And my rebels' new American Marine uniforms -- they're quite authentic, don't you think?
Hillary
Grrr! You'll never get away with this Globbojar!
Globbojar
That's where you're wrong Hellcats. Dead wrong.
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Commercial Spot #2
V/O
Hey girls -- tired of the same old playsets?
Girls (playing with boring pink dreamhouse)
And how!
V/O
Then get the new Hillary's Hellcats action playset! Comes complete with poseable Hellcats with real softball accessories!
Girls
Accessories!
V/O
Plus official Hellcat Dangervan with retractable wings and submarine bubblebath action!*
*Bubble bath beads sold separately
Girls (in tub)
Watch out for scuba snipers, Hillary!
V/O
And now with electronic talking intercom with lifelike voice of Mister C!
Intercom
Good morning Hellcats. Sounds like you're having fun in the tub! What are you wearing?
Girls
Tee hee!
V/O
Hillary's Hellcats Action Playset, from It Takes a Village. Wherever fine toys are sold.
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Dank Slavsnian prison cell. Hellcats are bound in wooden chairs.
General Globbojar
Hello Mister C.
Intercom
Globbojar, you filthy rat! What do you want?
Globbojar
I thought you might be interested in the fact I am currently entertaining three beautiful house guests... named the Hellcats.
Intercom
You sadistic bastard! Let me talk to Sheryl!
Globbojar
I'm sorry, but she's tied up at the moment... tied up in ropes! Haha! Struggling helplessly in her bikini to get free! What do you have to say to that?
Intercom
Globbojar
Mister C?
Intercom
Oh, um, sorry. I was uh... what are your demands?
Globbojar
I want you to remove your Marines from Slavsnia within one hour, or I kill the Hellcats -- starting with Hillary.
Intercom
Do your worst, Globbojar, I don't negotiate with terrorists. I'll call back in exactly 62 minutes!
Chelsea
Looks like we're goners for sure.
Hillary
Not if I have anything to say about it. (begins sobbing uncontrollably) Boo hoo hoo! Sniff!
Globbojar
I... uh... I'm sorry... Please stop, I can't stand to see a girl cry...
Hillary
Then cry on this, jive turkey!
Hillary breaks legs free of ropes and delivers powerful roundhouse kick to Globbojar's groin. She unties the other Hellcats and they begin kicking and brawling with rebels and midget assassins. They escape through side door and beat hasty escape in the Dangervan. Fadeout as rebels and midgets angrily shake rifles
Fade-in: cruising at altitude in the Dangerplane
Sinbad
Ooo-eee! That one was too close for comfort!
Intercom
Good work Hellcats!
Hellcats (clinking chardonnay glasses)
Thanks Mister C.
Hillary
I guess Globbojar forgot that it takes a woman to clean up the trash!
Sinbad
Let's get you ladies home to get some medical attention. Looks like Chelsea got the worst of it in that big fight!
Chelsea
What do you mean?
Hillary
Hey Sheryl -- How about a song?
Sheryl
Sure thing!
"Hellcats Are Go"
Written and Performed by Quiana Morganny as "Sheryl Ravencroftington"
On the Geffengram LP "Bikini Power"When there's trouble in the air and there's danger everwhere -- Hellcats are go!
When there's snipers on the loose who want to cook your goose -- Hellcats are go!
Chelllllsea looks for clues
My bikiiiini makes the ruse
Then Hiiiiillary lights the fuse
To blow up the bad guys in time for the evening news!
From Monte Carlo to Hong Kong wherever someone's doing wrong -- Hellcats are go!
So when evil stalks the world, just call the softball girls -- Hellcats are go!
Go Hellcats GO!
Freezeframe
