So a couple days ago I get an email from Jon Henke of the Q&O blog. "I'll be in Chicago next week for the Auto Show," it reads. "Want to go?"
"You mean the Saturday morning abandoned vehicle auction in Cicero?" I inquire. "Hey man I'd love to, but like, there was this thing last month? Long story short, I'm not really welcome back there."
"No, I mean the 2008 Chicago Auto Show at McCormick Place. The one with the new cars."
"Hmmm... new cars, eh? So what's the angle, and what's my cut?"
"No angle, just thought you'd like to look around at some of the cars during Media Day, maybe cover it on your blog. I can arrange your press credentials."
Got that, people? So the next time you hear some whiny-ass old media retards accusing us bloggers of not being up to the standards of "professional" "journalists," you tell them your old blog pal Dave-O has got himself an official press pass lanyard than says different, and then you tell them bitches to just go suck it.
Anyways, yesterday I hopped on the train with my special lady friend Tammi Jo and headed down to McCormick. There we met up with Jon and his pals from the Auto Alliance, plus a group of fellow credentialed professional journalist types like Andrew Marcus and some dude from the Weekly Standard.
After getting my official press kit, I looked around to find the cavernous hall swarming with serious photographers and scribblers with official-looking notepads. With so much event coverage taking place, I was faced with two dilemmas: (1) how could I bring readers unique insight and reportage, and (2) how could I steal stuff with all these reporters nosing around? Then it dawned on me -- sure, there are hundreds of websites and magazines out there who can bring you detailed up-to-the-minute Auto Show news with high-quality photography, but how many offer actual crappy low-rez pics from a $29 cell phone? I also quickly realized that stealing stuff kind of goes with the whole professional media lifestyle.
So let's get on with the show: at the Mazda display my first order of business was to recreate Instapundit's classic head-out-the-RX8-window photograph of 2004, using professional Glenn Reynolds impersonator Jon Henke:
Next stop: the Alton Truck Company display, which featured this ungodly awesome SUV created -- as best as I could tell -- from a strip mining scraper and 250 yards of Tijuana upholstery. The perfect motorcade hoopty for taking you from the private jet hangar to the big UN Global Warming conference!
Not to be outdone, the Chrome Shop Mafia was there with their own pimped-out 12 ton grocery getter:
Next up: the expensive German car section -- natural nesting habitat of the North American Moussed Douchebag.
For a classier class of douchebag, one needed to visit the array of Grey Poupon Brit Luxo-Barges. By Appointment of Her Majesty! My fave: the Rolls ragtop with brushed stainless hood. I mean bonnet.
"uhnt uhnt uhnt..."
What's that intoxicating beat? The pulsating techno draws us hither to the urban global youth downtown hipster section of the show. Careful research by industry marketing experts shows that most car consumers of the future will be experimental snowboarding graffiti performance artists and Scando-Asian ecoblogging hiphop DJs. This emerging segment of Point Break Renaissance Dudes demand rakish carbon-neutral econoboxes, powered by the internet, with plenty of room for DJ gear and cruelty-free hemp skullcaps. The industry has responded with entire marques like Mini and Scion, individually customizable to give you that hip now street cred! Case in point: these rat rod tattoo inspired black primer transpo-pods:
Still, a marginally better attempt at hipness than struggling Ford. To jazz up their image, the boys in Dearborn displayed this "Street SYNC," "Powered by" (wait for it) "Microsoft."
Fewer concept cars were on hand than the last time I attended the show. Apparently, in an attempt to reduce overhead, the styling studios are now gluing wheels on electric razors and running shoes (I did like the Buick Riviera and white Saab tho)
I like Legos and Tonka trucks!
Tammi Jo loved this Nissan minivan concept, sort of a disco death star for intergalactic gangsta soccer moms.
There was plenty of drool-worthy stuff on hand, like the Viper GTS and the long-awaited Corvette ZR-1. 620 HP, top speed of 200+, capable of slapping the smirk off cars 10 times the price. Maybe the finest mass-produced car ever made.
And for echoes of the glory years of American Muscle, the new Hemi Challenger and Camaro Z-28 have arrived to provide worthy competition for the Mustang GT500 Cobra.
Over at the Dub Magazine display I was totally floored by this in-your-face Chrysler 300 with rims fashioned from Versailles chandeliers and a paint job featuring Scarface and Benjamin Franklin. Every Day I'm Hustlin', playa.
Back in the far corner, a mile or two from the main entrance, there is a fine display of a dozen or so Brass Era cars; Columbia Electric, Buick Model C, Locomobile, along with an interesting display of paraphernalia and literature from previous Chicago Auto Shows (this year is the 100th edition). My favorites back there were this 1902 Cadillac Runabout (with exposed radiator) and 1903 Ford Model A (not to be confused with the 1928-31 Ford A), made in the days before the Model T and when Ford was still a luxury brand. Plus: A skeletally cute Miss Unsafe Brakes of 1939!
The hall also housed some fast-as-stink competition machines like these: Honda Indy car, Ferrari F-1, Ducati GP bike, Tony Shumacher's 8000 HP Top Fuel Dragster. 0-60 in 0.6 seconds.
Usually in these kind of event-coverage things, the writer is supposed to note trends. Well here's a trend for you: car companies sure like to cut stuff up. Engines, transmissions, entire cars, ghoulishly dissected so that you, the consumer, can better appreciate the innards. There were so many cutaway models that I lost track of them all. Instead, here's a slide show to illustrate the gruesomeness.
By 6 PM Tammi Jo and I and the cell phone battery were wiped out. We said our final thanks and goodbyes to Jon Henke, grabbed our final handfuls of free media merchandise, and headed to the Metra station for the 6:20 back home to the mobile home park. When we finally arrived we were greeted by a driveway blocked by another three feet of glaciated snow. Tammi Jo handed me the shovel.
So if you're think about buying a new car, won't you consider that Alton SUV? If somebody doesn't do something about global warming soon, I'm going to need a chiropractor.
--------------------------------
Cross-posted at 
