In the annals of American history there are but a handful of defining, epochal speeches.
Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.
Roosevelt's stirring Inaugural reassurance that "all we have to fear is fear Itself."
Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream."
Cleveland Indians Manager Eric Wedge's "Nice Game guys" locker room remarks following the Tribe's unforgettable 3-1 triumph over the Yankees in the 2007 American League Division Series.
And now: Mitt Romney's magnificent, soaring, Olympian speech yesterday at the Bush Library.
Without question, The Speech is destined to enter the pantheon of the defining moments of our time; for in it, we lucky mortals were witness to what was inarguably the finest distillation of passion and and brains and square-jawed herculean glory of this or any other age; an achievement of such blinding white TelePromted perfection that, in 15 heart-pounding minutes, eclipsed every previous achievement of the human race, combined, and those who cannot admit this simple axiomatic truth are clearly soulless and/or deranged.
Forgive them Mitt, for they know not what they do.
The stakes were very high, and many in Romney’s inner circle advised against the address. It was two out in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded, with the Americans of Faith trailing the Liberal Media Elites 3-0. All looked lost, but from the dugout strode a titanic figure, swinging a 40-ounce Louisville Slugger.
And now-wow-wow, ladies and gentlemen-en-en-en, coming to bat-at-at for the Faithful-ul-ul, Mitt-itt-itt the Slugger-er-er Romney-y-y!
Aaaaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
As he sidled up slowly to the podium and dug in the speaker's box, a grim look of determination overtook the beaming white smile on his rugged face. His fearless eyes burrowed into the Elite pitcher's video lens, as if inviting him to throw high and inside. The crowd went silent, in tense anticipation.
Suddenly Mitt stepped out of the box, smiled, and pointed his bat ominously at the 468 foot wall in deep Right-Center.
Then came the TelePrompter windup, and the Elite Lefty pitcher kicked up his leg and let go with a murderous 98 mph religious bias fastball that would have sent his lesser teammates -- like Yogi Giuliani, or Babe Thompson, or Daffy McCain, or Shoeless Mike Huckabee -- diving for the dirt.
But not Romney.
He coiled, like some sort of beautiful electric cobra panther, and swung around with a magnificent sweep of oratorical perfection that met the bias with a mighty CRACK, sending it backbackbackback...
Romney homers! Romney homers! He's circling the bases and the crowd is going wild!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh Raaaaaaahhhhhh Raaaaaaaahhhh
DadaDAHHH Dat dat daaaaa Dee dee dee duh
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh the crowd goes wild raaaaaaaahhhh
Shhhpllock flashflashflash the fireworks and cameras are going off haaaaaaaaaaahhhhh ROM-NEY ROM-NEY ROM-NEY
He's coming out of the dugout for a curtain call!
What's this? He's going over to the outfield wall and shaking hands with the fan who caught it!
Folks this is unbelievable! The fan who caught it is radio host Hugh Hewitt!
Haaaa raaaaaaaaahhhhhh ROM-NEY ROM-NEY
I was among those pundits who also thought that such a speech could not possibly work in the fractured media environment of today, especially given the spitballs and brushback pitches and sharpened spikes aimed at Americans of faith by a secularist-dominated Godless Manhattan-Beltway media elite. How could I have doubted? Had I not been in the very presence of the of Colossus of Boston, and witnessed the silvery radiance of His divinely-barbered temples? Had I not seen His works at the Utah Olympics? Yet still I was weak, and shaken in my faith. As His miraculous home run arced skyward, hoist aloft by a host of cherubim, exploding like the big bang on the CNN Headline News crawl, I trembled with awe and the burning shame of my own questioning. I went to the garage and beat myself ritually with the garden hose in penance that I would once more be worthy of His one true Romneyhood.
And of course in all but the most jaded, iconoclastic or stupid eyes, he carried it off magnificently.
Here’s the objective measure: When was the last time that Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Michael Medved, Fred Barnes, Charles Krauthammer and me all focused on the same subject and all agreed on the merits? It is literally impossible to imagine a more wildly diversified group of 50-something Republican pundits. Even in our most agreeable moments we are endlessly roiled in rancorous disagreements on everything, from the NFL replay rule to the merits of the Four-In-Hand versus the Windsor knot, yet here we spoke with one unanimous, harmonious voice:
Rush Limbaugh: "Pretty good speech. I think it will help him."
Sean Hannity: "I didn't see it myself, but Lee Greenwood told me it was nice."
Michael Medved: "I think it probably helps Romney with Evangelicals."
Fred Barnes: "I'd venture Romney will probably pick up 2 to 4 points in the next Iowa poll."
Charles Krauthammer: "He certainly didn't hurt himself."
Me: "As the magnificence of His words burst forth, I fell to my very knees and wept with utter overwhelming joy; not just for me, but for the entire human race."
There you have it: every single pundit whose voice actually matters has joined me in being swept into the rapturous epiphany that any unbiased, objective review of Romney's unforgettable words will induce. I will give a more detailed objective review of The Speech in next month's issue of Mitt Beat magazine, along with an exclusive interview with Mitt where he reveals his favorite foods, secret heartbreaks, and what he looks for in a dream pundit. Plus a giant pull-out Mitt poster!
Yes, there are a reportedly a few outliers in the shadowy cesspools of fringe "conservative" websites who were not with this group of enthusiasts. Whether they are cynical jaded panderers, or beltway media elite double agents, or simply insane, is a question I will leave to the historians who will be studying The Speech for generations to come. But now that the reactions are in and counted, there is simply no rational basis for considering the Romney speech other than the greatest triumph of spoken thought ever uttered, one whose influence will resound through the firmament and across the cosmos for all eternity. Even if it does not regain him the lead in the Iowa caucuses.