...And a Pinch to Grow On

It's blog birthday day today! Yay!

Four years, 400 posts, attracting nearly 4,000 visits and $4.44 in tip jar revenue; impressive, yes, but unfortunately I had to mock and demean and belittle hundreds of innocent stupid people to get here at the top of the blogosphere's D-list. Well, okay, at least mid-D-List. I can't say it wasn't enjoyable, but I do admit to having the occasional guilt pang.

As my way of saying thanks for your patronage, and to atone for my past cruelties, the comment section is open for the day and you are invited to let me have it with both barrels; my writing, my reproductive anatomy, my mom, my car, all are fair game. No mercy expected, and I will sit through it all cheerfully.

For now.

Comments

[Jeep the Creep]

Dave, thanks to you, me and Miss Hoosegow Hottie 2006 are getting married!

By the way, your Fogs of Foer was one of the funniest things I ever read.

[Michael Barger]

I don't get it. Why hasn't teh Manolo posted his usual fatuous praises?

[jaime]

Dave, great blog! There's really nothing I've read here that wasn't interesting, entertaining, or both. Recently, I had tears sliding down my cheeks while reading your take on the TNR/Beauchamp retraction. I hope you're around another four years! Can I borrow twenty buck?

[Son of the South™]

Dear Dave:

Iowahawk rules. Period. You have redefined irreverence via satire and the blogosphere is the better for it.

Happy Blog Birthday and cheers!

SoS

[Tammi Jo Pearsall]

When I start worrying about small things--like little Brandon goin' at the bug zapper again--I go back to IowaHawk to find the inspiration I need to chip in and git 'er done. Keep on.

[LSD]

Apparently, childhood anger stemming from a life of combo birthday/christmas gifts has molded your psyche into a gloriously hotrodded combustion engine hellbent on rendering coffee from the noses of unsuspecting readers.

I salute you.

[Mikey]

Dave,

You are nothing but a piece of crap.
I find you extremely ugly.
You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
I loathe you.

Newman

[Beldar]

Happy birthday! Keep on mocking retards and Al Gore (redundant?), and drink a sixer of PBR on me.

[John R]

Great stuff, I always enjoy my visit and for me it's coca-cola out my nose. love the cars and humor. keep it up (as if she could tell)

Mele Kalikimaka

[spongeworthy]

Over the years I've learned it's nearly impossible to insult Dave. He seeks attention, positive or negative it means not a whit to him. You may ignore him, which devastates him, or insult his automobiles, which I shall do here as instruction to the rest of you well-wishers.

Dave, your automobiles only look fast. There is something wrong with the devices that keep the machines from consuming the oil in the crankcase and therefore your engines cannot maintain adequate compression. The blue one, in particular, suffers from this.

Beeyotch.

[Ron C]

cool beans Dave! You're the Greatest!! Reading throught the previous comments just makes me want to say... What's wrong w/ a small pecker? NOTHING!! John Holmes was a freak of nature, BTW. If you've procreated, which Dave has done, and you get laid occasionally, I'm gonna assume Dave does... as long as you get your own O.... who cares?

PLUS, if a man's gonna be serious about leaving his carbon footprint on this planet, a genius like Dave cannot be bothered with the temptations of the flesh.... he's got REAL genius things to do; like building/driving Hot Rods, jetting out to Utah to slum around on the Salt flats w/ the Old Crow guys, jetting to Mexico and be a Mike Hammer-type lookin' for lost classic cars, and most important of all..... sitting down at his computer and knockin' out BRILLIANT lefty-slamming lampoons, like some sort of motorhead savant.

For being given the priveledge to read the sacrosanct text that Dave occasionally sprinkles down on us lowly mortals, we should all bow down and thank Gaea that the Goracle invented the freakin' internet for us to read the contrivances of his mind....

[aelfheld]

There will always be more people to "mock and demean and belittle" than there are hours in the day.

Take the day off and reflect on the target-rich environment that comes to your door on a daily basis.

Congratulations, by the way.

[Panama Red]

Keep practicing. Someday you might be as funny as Carrot Top, Gallagher, or Andy Borowitz.

In the meantime, don't give up your day job.

If you have one.

[Vitamin Tom]

Dave,

Your skills as a satirist and wordsmith are unmatched on the web or anywhere else, for that matter. I anticipate your (far too infrequent) posts with baited breath, and have yet to be disappointed.

Keep up the excellent work.

[David M]

Happy Blogiversary!

[Doclee]

Atta boy, Dave.

[Maria Stahl]

How come's you never answer my emails, Dave?

Do you hate me?

[Yojimbo]

Dude, you are almost as funny as Neill Cumpston and that is no small compliment.

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/31520

[Dan Collins]

Congratulations, Dave!

Have I ever mentioned that I pretty much suck your dick?

[Rob Thompson]

Like... cars...

[R.H. Potfry]

Dave:

There are seminal moments in the life of every blogger, and they aren't all nocturnal. So it was that on a bright May morning, I considered an email from you.

"Dear Potfry," it said, "while imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, plagiarism is a completely different animal. If you continue to copy and paste my work into your 'New Jersey Hawk' blog and present it as your own, I will have no choice but to gut you with a rusty farm implement."

I smiled as I traced your photo, which is not technically a "photo" so much as a drawing of what I imagine you look like. Even in your emails, I mused, the wit continues. I read on.

"And no, you insufferable whack job, I'm not freaking joking. This is the real shit. Rip me off again and you are pig food. And send me just one more grainy f%$#ing photo of your 'Little Hawk' and I promise your death will be slow."

Your mentorship has been my guiding light. Congratulations on 4 years.

R.H. Potfry
The Nose On Your Face

P.S. Sorry about "just showing up" that day. Scott Ott gave me your address, said you loved surprises. Anyhow, I'm starting to get the use of my right hand back, FYI.

[vanderleun]

You are consistently one of the funniest and more brilliantly insightful writers around.

You are the Big Daddy Roth of the Sphere..

Live long and prosper.

[god]

your testes are lopsided and smell like onions on a wendy's burger. your penis is a stump. it smells more like mcdonald's to me. your car is worse than the testes and penis: it's a pt cruiser. your mom is a nice lady. god don't make mom jokes. nice blog. god out.

[Jim Treacher]

Congrats from down here on the ZZZZZ-list!

[JD]

Burge / Goldstein in '08 !!!!ONE!!!!!1!!eleventy

Seriously, you and Jeff are far and away the most hysterical writers on these innertubes. I personally believe that you two have formed a secret conspiracy and are actually representative of the Monitors and Keyboard Makers Union, and are ensuring the future of your industry by the number of units you have single handedly destroyed.

And, hey. If your Mama says your member is small, who am I to argue with her?

And, Kyoto.

[Major John]

Sir,

Magnificent writing, blogging and clawing of your way past the rest of us in the D list-o-sphere. I look forward to keeping up with Iowahawk as best I can from Iraq (I shan't ask for any magnets for my M1151) this coming year.

Think of it as a small scale (1 man) deployment of the Legion of Dumb.

[Robert Blair]

Dave,
While your stuff might be funny in the US Midwest, here in Australia (downunda) - ITS FRICKIN HILARIOUS ...

[Robert Blair]

Dave,
While your stuff might be funny in the US Midwest, here in Australia (downunda) - ITS FRICKIN HILARIOUS ...

[ChrisP]

Love ya man, Rock on!
Am missin' "The Zarkman", but w.t.f., he's dead!
Keep on Keepin' on.

Chris

[fmonk]

What he said.

[Belvden Tesch, PhD, University of Iowa]

Dear David:

Having instructed you early in your writing career at the University of Iowa's Writers Workshop, I must say that your work, so far, is the funniest and most bitingly wicked satire I have ever read from any student or professional in my life.

Many of our graduates go on to write so-called sacred tomes put on pedestals by Eastern publishing houses and Eastern critics that are nothing more than profoundly boring stories. You've seen them critiqued in The New Yorker and places... novels about Japanese girls working in flower shops in Las Vegas or middle aged Patrician men finding true love with a farm animal...and that is why it is so refreshing and fun to come to your site regularly to read what you have written, because we all love to laugh--and no one who has passed through the workshop, any workshop, has ever written funnier work that you, my dear student.

One of Hemingway's character's in The Sun Also Rises said that all good writing is "irony and pity." And this is true. And your ironies are taken to limits unheard of, undreamt of, you are unchallened, even by Wilde, in satire. The Ann Coulter/Bill Mahr "scream off" was so funny it could cure disease. When I tell you that I had not laughed that hard in my life, that people looked in the window of my office as I held my mouth shut trying to stifle screams, I do not exaggerate. I was so helpless in my laughter I actually looked to those who peeked in for help--I actually needed them to come in and pull me away from my monitor, for fear of becoming deranged with laughter. But truly, after reading your work, it is cathartic and it actually feels like whenever I read it, that I have gotten younger. Because as we age we have the tendency to laugh less, or find things less funny. But you make me remember how I used to laugh by taking me there.

A great writer once told me that you have to be able to finish the best work you ever did and be able to throw it in the garbage can without a second thought, because it all has to be about what it did for you when you wrote it. Of course, that doesn't pay the groceries, but if we know anything about history, many men labored long and hard before they made some decent money, and I know, sure as I know Iowa is one great state, that you will get some financial windfalls soon enough. You are getting a big reach. You just have to keep it up, compadre. And let me also mention--what are these accolades worth from your peers and readers?

Keep the faith, and keep on rolling. I thank the Lord for Iowa Hawk.

[Infidel Tiger]

You suck like a nuclear powered hoover, yet I dream of been your Hoosegow Hottie. Long may you continue to suck.

Congratulations.

[Leonard Pinth-Garnell]

Iowahawk.
Apply directly to the forehead.
Apply DIRECTLY to the forehead!

[swassociates]

I have added extra fertilizer to my crop of midgets and retards in your honor. Hopefully I'll have a bountiful crop next season.

[mare]

Where can I find the little number where you banter about how you could flood "The View" set? Oh, how I have dreamed of that. You do need a greatest hits list.

[rb]

Big Ups on the milestone, M. Burge.
I look forward to hearing the sordid detail on the Mexico sojourn over some pbrs.
Here's to 4 more years and 4000 more beers.
cheers,
RB
cratedig.blogspot.com

[Dave's Mom]

On the contrary; it's completely fair to assume he has a tiny penis.

[Rich Horton]

I think it is unfair to assume that Dave has a tiny penis. Maybe it has just been flaccid since the Carter administration....since around the time that Arnold Horshack left our television screens.

Luckily he can channel all that pent up sexual frustration into the funniest shit on the web.

Congrats! And remember: "wax on, wax off."

[heldmyw]

My respects to you Mr. Burge!

Your incisive wit, brilliant style(s), the variety of topics and the quirky, wonderful glimpses into your personal loves (the salt flats pieces, the discovery of the Mysterion, etc.) are fun, brilliant and ENTERTAINING!

I nearly choked at the Dan Rather 'film noir gumshoe' piece, laughed out loud (I'm a republican, we don't "LOL") at the Zarkman Chronicles and have saved and sent countless other bits as well as memorized some of your wonderful, colorful turns of phrase.

Perhaps, like other great artists, you are not destined for earthly wealth during your lifetime, but I'm sure that history will hold you up as one of the brightest lights of the age.

Still... maybe if you cut off an ear?

[See-Dubya]

You're a funny guy, Iowahawk. There can be no objective argument against that conclusion.

[BrendaK]

We get to unlurk and COMMENT?!

Oh, thank you, thank you, Your Tiny Penis-ness! Um, I think that's your Mom yelling down into the basement for you, to go move your Nova outta the driveway before the neighbors see it.

Seriously, Happy Blog Birthday! You da funny.

[Brawndo]

Can I touch the hem of your garment? Because I hear you like to wear dainty underthings.

[paul]

You write great stuff, with great insight, cool humor, super clarity. The blogosphere and every one else needs you(No kidding)

[Rat Poof]

Congratulations on your milestone from Hawkeyeland! Keep hoe-ing the rows of hilarity.

[Mary Lu AKA HelloMaryLu]

Hey Dave... Happy Blog-bday ya satirical shithead! Like several others here have commented before me, you do owe me for the various times coffee has been known to shoot out my nose, across my screen and keyboard as I've laughed myself into a fainting spell. Your slant on life has reminded me of my Iowa-roots and caused my husband (Dr. Doug) to consider having me committed. Damn! You're that good!

As I lady I refuse to comment about comment about your physical prowess (wink) But if you don't meet up with us the next time you come to SoCal I'm going to write a tell all! Mary Lu

[Cletus]

I miss the Honeys. We want an update!

[Robert]

Your mom informed me that you have a tiny, tiny penis, while I was doing her, in the backseat of your car. Then we called up some of your writing and mocked it for hours. Then I did her again.

But seriously, I've enjoyed reading your stuff for years now and I hope there's at least another 4,000 posts to come.

And your mom is a whore.

[Anaheim Duck]

You're all just jealous because Iowahawk is banging that debate moderator chick from the Des Moines Register.

[Chuck]

Dude

I like your car. Oh yeh...I hate teh lefties that think you have tiny dick.

[Ted Haggard]

Your reproductive anatomy? It is kind of like Ken's:

http://www.zug.com/pranks/barbie/index02.html

Looking forward to the next four years...

[tchad]

Hey, Dave, how about writing a funny little book? It could mean a nice addition to your monthly stipend from the keyboard makers.

[Anaheim Duck]

"Iowahawk's Greatest Hits" would be like the Nascar Jewish Hall of Fame.

[Chris Farley]

Your writing sucks, you are a needle-dick, Sorry I cut your Mom while shaving her back last night and your little pimp-mobile is quite feminine.

Other than that, Happy Blog Birthday and many more.

Oh, and you owe me a key-board and monitor for all the coffee I've spit out reading your stuff. Did you know that International Delights Irish Cream burns when it comes out your nose?

[Dave's Tiny Penis]

I feel so unused.

[CraigC]

Your writing sucks, and you have a small penis.

[D Moss]

That animation of your mom on the drums is awesome!

[Gridlock]

Dave, you stupid ignorant slut!

[Dave's Biggest Fan]

Haha!

You are very unpleasant.

[SFC MAC]

Dave,
Happy Blog Birthday, and many happy returns!

[Bill Spencer]

Hello Dave.

You're not this Dave Burge, are you? He IS from Iowa after all.

http://www.perfectpitch.com/

I didn't think so. Although as a satarist I'd say your pitch is damn near perfect.

There! I said it!

Congratulations, and "Four more years!!"

[Justacanuck]

Mr. Burge --

Please consider adding a Greatest Hits list of posts to your site. The Zarkman guest blogger series, to name just one, caused me to spew much coffee at my monitor over several days. Having easy access to past accomplishments would be a great way to allow easy revisits to such joyous works.

Other than that, please don't change a thing!

Kudos for your ever-insightful commentary and doing the reporting the MSM won't do. ;-)

Cheers!