Hello, [Mr. / Mrs. / Ms. / Dr.] ____________, this is ___________ calling on behalf of the Republican National Campaign Fund. We'd like to thank you for the generous support you've provided in past years. I'm sure you are happy knowing that your contributions have helped elect hundreds of dynamic Republican legislative leaders who have made a difference! Now according to our records, you donated $_______ in 2006. May we count on a 25% increase in that support for 2007?
If respondent answers "yes," go to 1a. If "no," go to 1b.
1a. Thank you so much! Your pledge form will be arriving by mail in the next 7 days. With your support we will continue the fight for smaller government, strong national defense, economic freedom, and personal liberty. Have a great day!
1b. In that case, could we count on you to match your 2006 donation?
If respondent answers "yes," go to 1a. If "no," go to 2.
2. We understand that family budgets are often strained after April 15. That's why we've implemented an innovative program that allows you to match your 2006 donation in 12 easy monthly installments. Would you like to participate?
If respondent answers "yes," go to 1a. If "no," go to 3.
3. How about half of your 2006 donation? Every little bit helps when it comes to reigniting the Republican revolution!
If respondent answers "yes," go to 1a. If "no," go to 4.
4. How about five bucks? That will at least cover postage and processing costs.
If respondent answers "yes," go to 1a. If "no," go to 5.
5. Can I ask you why you have chosen not to contribute this year?
If respondent answers "Immigration," go to 6a; if "taxes" or "spending," go to 6b; if "bungled war on terror," go to 6c.
6a. I understand that many in the Republican base are concerned with immigration. If you are concerned about border security, rest assured that the Adminstration's new comprehensive immigration bill provides over $225,000 to construct nearly 1,500 feet of impenetrable fence along the New Mexico-Oklahoma state line. If you are a small business owner employing hard-working immigrants in jobs Americans won't do, you may be concerned that the bill's 'path to citizenship' provision means your employees also won't do your jobs after becoming Americans. Don't worry! The comprehensive immigration bill also provides $800,000 for gates on the Oklahoma fence to insure a constant supply of immigrants to do the jobs that Americans, and formerly hard-working Z-visa Americans, won't do. And, by contributing today, we will send a framed certificate designating you as a non-racist!
Skip to 7.
6b. We at the RNCF hear your concern, and federal spending is all the more reason to put your support behind Republican candidates. I'm sure, for example, you have read the many recent shocking stories of run-away spending by the Democrats in Congress. These boondoggles have got to stop! With your help, we can return Washington to the fiscal discipline you enjoyed in the previous Congress, when GOP leaders kept tight control of the nation's purse strings. And, by helping to elect local Republican candidates like _________, your district will be in line to land the new $800,000,000 Ronald Reagan Memorial Public Broadcasting Museum!
Skip to 7.
6c. All Americans are concerned about Iraq and the ongoing War on Terror, and whether we are making sufficent progress against the terrorist threat both here and abroad. Thankfully, President Bush and his administration have remained steadfast and resolute, compared to the cut-and-run Congress who would rather negotiate with evil-doers than face them head on. Even today, administration envoys are coordinating with Iraq peace partners like the Madhi Army and the government of Iran to develop a steadfast, resolute plan to identify and confront the terror threat. Domestically, the new Department of Homeland Security has instituted tough random anti-terrorism rules, to give you the peace of mind of knowing that no passengers on your flight - regardless of ethnic, religious, or citizenship status - are carrying more than 3 ounces of liquids or gels. Did I mention the Adminstration's proposed New Mexico-Oklahoma fence?
Skip to 7.
7. Now that you know the facts, would you like to reconsider giving a donation?
If "yes," return to 1a; if "no," go to 8
8. Two words: Nancy Pelosi. You at least have to admit we're somewhat better than Nancy Pelosi.
If "yes," return to 1a; if "go fuck yourself," go to 9
9. If I actually did fuck myself, would that help you reconsider giving a donation?
If "yes," describe fucking self and return to 1a; if "no," go to 10
10. All right then. Thank you for your time.
Hang up; turn in resignation