Fear Not, America, For I Have Deigned To Lead You

My Fellow Americans:

Today, our nation stands at a crossroads. The direction we take from this point forward is critical for us, and for future generations. Some of the roads we can take may now look like scenic shortcuts, but may lead to long term peril. Other roads may seem covered in potholes, but may in fact lead us to the bright promise of a roadside Stuckey's with clean, well-lit restrooms. The stakes are high, and it is important that we have the right leadership behind the wheel to avoid the geopolitical speed traps and navigate our way to a delicious future of pecan logs for all.

That is why I have taken the first step towards announcing my candidacy for the 2008 presidential campaign. I have officially formed an exploratory committee to advise me on this important decision. This blue ribbon panel includes a number of distinguished public service veterans, including Chuck Helbertson, Supervisor of the Cedar County Pool Maintenance Department, and my brother-in-law Steve Lehr, a part-time Driver's Education professional in the Dubuque public school system and defending Late Model Modifieds champion at Eddyville Speedway.

I have not taken this decision lightly. When considering a run for public office, the first thing a candidate must ask himself is: what can I, as newly elected public servant, expect to get out of this deal?  I have researched this question thoroughly, and believe me: being President is a pretty sweet gig. Not only does it pay 400 large, it has plenty of perks including "three hots and a cot," and the world's most fearsome military force at my disposal.

The second thing a candidate must ask is: am I qualified for the position? Let's look at the facts. First, I am a native-born citizen of the United States. Second, I am over 35 years old. Third, I have never had a felony conviction stick beyond the appeals court. And Mister, if that's good enough for the Constitution of the United States, then that's good enough for me. Google it.

The third thing a candidate must ask is: once elected, what can I do for the voters to keep them off my back, so I can enjoy all those badass job perks? The answer here is "plenty." Just take a gander at the Dave Burge Platform:

Foreign Policy

With our nation facing challenges from extremists and madmen around the globe, Americans are asking serious questions of the presidential field. Questions like, "does this candidate have the mature, thoughtful, and sober judgment to lead us through the threats that confront us?" And, "if necessary, is this candidate capable of doubling down on the crazy stakes to scare our enemies shitless?"

Ask anyone who knows, and they will tell you: when sober, Dave Burge has the mature, thoughtful judgement called for in 50 to 60% of foreign policy situations. These same people will also tell you that after eight or ten Jager shots, all bets are off. And let this be a notice to America's enemies: President Dave ain't gonna put no padlock on the Oval Office liquor cabinet.

Immigration

We are a nation of immigrants. But whether our ancestors came here through Ellis Island, the Bering Straits Ice Bridge or by intergalactic transporter beam, we must face the fact that our current immigration system is broken. As President, I will make securing the border my top priority. Unfortunately, the Congress has been slow to approve funding for fences and other barriers to illegal immigration. That's why I have proposed wacky Roadrunner-style misdirection signs along the border that read "ESTADOS UNIDOS -- THIS WAY." Hopefully, this will totally confuse illegal border hoppers and their "coyotes," and they will stay up in Canada where they belong.

For illegal immigrants already in the United States, I have proposed a detailed system to screen for citizenship eligibility. Terrorists, convicted felons, prisoners, and Cub pitchers with earned run averages above 6.00 will be immediately deported to their countries of origin. Others will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, such as Salma Hayek, who is encouraged to call President Dave to schedule a private White House citizenship evaluation. Rrrrrowwwrrr.

The Environment

The scientific debate is over: man-made global warming is real. Finally! This means we can now stop paying for all those expensive redundant research projects to prove global warming. Not only will this save over $2 billion dollars per year in federal spending, we will see significant reductions in CO2 as unemployed global warming scientists sell off their Volvos and move to mud huts.

To further help reduce the nation's carbon footprint, I will order the Environmental Protection Agency to bulldoze the mansions of Al Gore, John Edwards, John Kerry, and Laurie David, and convert them to more eco-friendly use as free public drag strips. And for all serious environmentalists willing to make the ultimate Green sacrifice, I will offer discounted funerals with hybrid hearses, and framed federal carbon credits for their surviving families and animal companions.

Social Security

Since its inception Social Security has provided a important safety net for America's elderly. However, Declining birthrates and increased life expectancies have created a ticking demographic time bomb threatening the entire Social Security system. In order to keep the system solvent, I have proposed an innovative new program that I call "Free Tequila and Smokes for Seniors."

Technology

Sadly, America's science and technology leadership has begun to languish through neglect. Even more sadly, the internet has wrought devastation to America's adult entertainment industry. To kill two birds with one stone, I will direct the necessary funding to NASA to create SpacePorn I, a bold new public-private partnership program to bring hot girl-on-girl action to Mars by the year 2020.

Taxes, Spending, and the Budget

Our current tax system is overly complicated and confusing. Americans want a system that is flatter, fairer, and transparent. That's why I have proposed a new system that completely does away with the IRS. Under my new "buddy system," all Americans will be deputized as IRS agents, and pair up with friends and neighbors to compute each other's taxes. No cheating, please! To make up for possible revenue shortfalls, there will also be a windfall profits tax of 125% on the film industry, Google, and George Soros.

Another thing Americans know is that government spending is out of control, in part due to Congressional "earmarks." As President, I will order Treasury Secretary Mike Tyson to review all spending bills for unnecessary waste and pork, and when appropriate, respond to Congress with "earmarks" of his own.

Together, these measures - along with a growing economy - should have the national budget back in balance by the end of my third term. If that doesn't work, I know a trick or two about creative check-bouncing.

Personal Integrity

Hey, like you're some angel. And let's face it: blackmail only works on people who have a sense of shame.

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I will be sharing many more ideas in the days ahead, and it's up to you to make them a reality. Alert your friends and neighbors about my campaign. If you encounter naysayers, tell them about my 'Dave-genda' for America. If they persist in their naysaying, try physical intimidation. But most of all, you can show your support through your prayers and beer money. Together we'll have America weaving down the road to the bright promise of tomorrow!