Let's Tone It Down, People

Iowahawk Online Community Issues Forum Special
by Ann Coulter and Bill Maher

ANN: Hello, I'm syndicated columnist and best-selling author Ann Coulter.

BILL: And I'm Bill Maher, host of HBO's "Real Time."

ANN: Today we want to talk to you about an issue that concerns both of us: the deterioration of civility in American politics.

BILL: That's right Ann, you anorexic Nazi whore. Even though we are on opposite sides of the political fence we can both agree that Americans of all political stripes need to start walking back from the hateful rhetoric that unfortunately characterizes much of our contemporary political discussion.

ANN:  I couldn't agree more Bill, you syphillitic commie scumnozzle. Because whether they are normal patriotic Americans or mincing San Francisco fudgepackers, all citizens of this country need to think first before using words intended to hurt or offend others.

BILL: Ann, there was once a time -- long before you were performing donkey shows for the Halliburton 9-11 planning committee -- when a talk show host could freely discuss the merits of killing various Christofascist neocon government officials without fear of reprisal. Sadly, today, that kind of honest, open debate can often result in a McCarthyite witch hunt from self-appointed censors who would crush our constitutional right to fantasy assassination role-play -- under the jackboot of their hateful and rude complaint letters.

ANN: Don't I know it, you repulsive Godless pederast. Sometimes the rhetoric of these Stalinist goons is as thick and ugly as your pasty, pus-cratered face. It seems that every time I drop a whimsical bon mot about Timothy McVeigh blowing up the New York Times, or poisoning Supreme Court justices, or simply noting the disgusting faggotry of Al Gore and John Edwards, I end up the victim of a totalitarian PC hate campaign designed to kneecap my First Amendment rights and book royalties. Some people, it seems, just can't handle jokes and irony.

BILL: And this campaign of humorless PC venom is not just targeted at skeletal Nazi-felchers like my friend Ann. Dozens of progressives have faced a torrent of unfair and hurtful public criticism for voicing their support of innovative population control methods, or for simply daring to question America's repressive restraining order system. I myself fell victim to a PC hate blacklist in 2002, and in the harrowing 9 months before I signed another talk show deal I was faced with the loss of my Ferrari and my Playboy Mansion privileges. We, as a nation, must stop this kind of hate before we all lose our pass key to Hef's hot tub grotto.

ANN: I agree, my hideous crotch-rotted abortionist midget friend. It's time that we begin the process of healing by restoring civility and decorum to our national dialog. That's why I am asking my fans to take a deep breath, tone down, and cool off. The next time Bill goes riffing off a Condi Rice assassination ad lib, let his studio audience of flag-burning West Hollywood homos bark and whoop and clap like a mindless pack of trained Maoist circus seals. Because if you succeed in driving him off the air again, I stand to lose three chapters in my forthcoming best seller, "The Christ Haters."

BILL: And the next time Ann starts joking about putting anthrax on Nancy Pelosi's dildo, I'm asking my fans to sit politely and allow her audience of inbred Young Republican Jeebus tards to howl and bleat and cheer like demonically possessed preppy Klan chimps. Let's avoid the temptation to hatefully demand apologies and shunning, because let's face it: a typical Ann Coulter comment is good for 10 minutes of monologue and $2 million for the DNC.

ANN: A little common courtesy is all it takes. Together, we can insure that our next generation will have access to the same whimsical death wish political humor that we all enjoy today. Let's not kill the free speech goose that lays the golden egg!

BILL: That's right Ann, you emaciated Eva Braun sideshow freak. By supporting this good citizenship effort, you will ensure that America's outspoken pundit community has the book and TV and speaking contracts we need to pay the critically important mortgages on our Laurel Canyon ranch homes.

ANN: And Manhattan apartments! So take it from me and my venereal diseased, dwarf-penis pinko fag colleague Bill - don't be a player hater. Stop the indignation, because there are enough zippy assassination one-liners for everyone. The next time you are repulsed by something we say, remember:

ANN AND BILL: A spleen is a terrible thing to waste.