DRUNK BEAR FAN FORESEES SOUTH BEACH SUPERMODEL SEX
Arriving at Miami International Airport this morning to attend Sunday's Super Bowl XLI, intoxicated Chicago Bears fan Scott Bernarczyk confidently predicted a busy weekend packed with casual sex at the hip South Beach nightclub scene.
"Wait till all those hot Brazilian lingerie models see my new Urlacher jersey," said the 29-year old assistant warehouse facilities manager from Palatine, Illinois, proudly displaying the $74.95 navy blue Reebok replica home jersey he recently acquired from the Foot Locker at Gurnee Mills Outlet Mall. "Good thing I also brought a case of Iron Mike Ditka brand condoms!"
"Bears, baby!" added Bernarczyk.
Bernarczyk's bold forecast was disputed by Indianapolis Colts fan Brian Gormann, 31, of Peru, Indiana.
"I've got 20 bucks that says that Bears douche won't be bagging any supermodels this weekend," he said. "Not after those babes walk out of the club and see the new chrome winch kit on my F350."
CNN APOLOGIZE FOR WACKY 'GUERRILLA MARKETING' STUNT
Cable New Network president Jonathan Klein apologized for what he termed "a lighthearted marketing campaign gone awry" this morning, after U.S. Army personnel uncovered and disarmed 150 marketing devices lining a road in Anbar Province, Iraq.
The devices -- consisting of explosive-packed metal pipes bearing the caricatures of CNN personalities Wolf Blitzer, Larry King, and Moqtada al Sadr -- were developed for CNN by trendy Baghdad advertising agency Bloody Scimitar of the Prophet-WPP as part of a campaign to boost the network's sagging early evening fringe Nielsen rating during February sweeps week.
"We are certainly embarrassed by this, and apologize to anyone who was inconvenienced," said Klein. "We were only trying to generate some marketing buzz, and maybe some good tragic b-roll for Anderson Cooper 360."
BIDEN: OBAMA POLITE, ARTICULATE, CLEAN, AVERAGE LENGTH
Newly declared 2008 presidential candidate Senator Joseph Biden (D-DE) lauded Senate colleague and rival candidate Barrack Obama as "the first mainstream African-American I've seen who is polite, articulate, and clean."
"I mean, you should see his fingernails," added Biden. "The man just has a totally surprising level of personally hygiene, much cleaner than you would probably expect."
"I sometimes see him at the Senate gym, and I have really admired his grooming routine," Biden continued. "Thoroughly soaps up, rinses off, uses normal people shampoo, guy absolutely never pees in the shower. Even uses regular talc, which is kind of interesting, because you'd think there would be some kind of special tinted powder or something."
"The first time I saw him in the shower stall, I was expecting to be, well, intimidated," Biden continued. "But, believe it or not, he's right there in what I'd call a normal length range, which was suprising, and frankly a relief. Beautiful shower singing voice though, which maybe isn't that surprising, but you would really be bowled over by how well he e-nun-ci-ates while he sings."
"Uhhhhhm... did I just totally screw my own campaign right there?" asked Biden. "I would appreciate someone letting me know, in case I should cancel my weekend flight to Des Moines."
ILL DOOKIE: CASTRO FACES BUTTLOAD OF HEALTH WOES
Medical analysts say that Fidel Castro faces grim odds of recovery after it was revealed that the popular Cuban leader has undergone a series of botched medical procedures to repair a damaged colon.
According to the Spanish newspaper El Pais, Cuban doctors have performed a number of experimental ass treatments on the 79-year old president-for-life since he first fell ill in July 2006. These treatments have reportedly included cork blockage, cork removal, high-pressure steam cleaning, violent stomach-punches from the Cuban national boxing team, Santaria chicken sacrifice, and mandatory public anti-constipation rallies.
Seeking to reassure citizens that El Jefe remained in control, a photo in Havana's official newspaper last week showed him relaxing and chatting with visiting Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez while receiving a colonoscopy. This appeared to be administered via an auger bit attached to the rear axle of a 1953 Plymouth.
However, the latest US intellegence reports indicate that these measures have been thusfar unsuccessful, and that Castro faces an uncertain prognosis.
"Unfortunately, it appears he remains totally full of shit," said Dr. Gregory Shaw, chairman of the Johns Hopkins University Department of Gastroenterology.
Shaw decline to criticize the quality of Castro's Cuban-trained medical care, which Castro has himself often touted as a source of national pride.
"Normally this diagnosis would indicate the need for an immediate colostomy, but this is an extremely tricky case," said Shaw. "It's nearly impossible to determine where the Castro ends and the asshole begins."