Islamic Advice from Imam Yahu al-Zirius
Spiritual Leader, Fostaz al-Vegimita Mosque
Lakembabongabinga, Sydney, NSW
Sheik Taj Din al-Hilali of Mullagangabanga, NSW asks:
Some of the cobbers at my local mosque spotted some sheilas who weren't wearing their hijabs, so they naturally had a go at raping them. For some reason the coppers loaded them off to gaol! I ask you: if you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?
This is a very interesting question. With respect to cats, the Q’ran in Surah 12:45.1(c) states that, “the cat always lands on its paws.” However, Surah 3.14e-9 says that “pita bread always lands hummus-side down.”
Of course, the crafty infidel will see this as a contradiction: what if a believer were to glue a hummus-laden pita to the back of a cat, and hurl it from the local prayer tower? No matter how it hits the ground, the crafty infidel will say it invalidates Q'ranic infalibility! This is where the meat comes in. The key is to first put the uncovered meat between the cat and the pita, in a sort of cat-meat-pita sandwich. As it plummets from the tower, the cat will eat through the glue to get at the delicious uncovered meat, thereby freeing the pita to land hummus side down, and the meat-refreshed cat to land happily on its paws. In this way you may demonstrate to the crafty kuffar the eternal perfection of the sacred Word of Allah, as revealed through His Prophet (peace be unto him). Also, if the crafty kuffar is an uncovered woman, don't forget to rape her.
Imram M. of Jumbuck Springs, Victoria asks:
I am a taxi driver at the Melbourne Airport. The Taxi Directorate tells me I must give rides to blind kuffars and their filthy guide dogs, even when I tell him they are haram in the eyes of Allah! Even worse, I think the kuffars and their dogs have been drinking alcohol. Help me, I am at my wit's end.
Sadly the dog-alcohol cootie issue has been a sore point for the many believers who work at the airport. We have long asked the Airport authority to exempt Muslim baggage handlers from touching luggage containing alcohol, and protect Muslim passengers from having contact with unclean bomb-sniffing dogs. Until we can correct this blatant discrimination, politely tell any fares who are potentially carrying alcohol or dogs that you will rape them.
Ameer Ali of Kangalangaroombawoomba, ACT writes:
As a member of Prime Minister Howard's Muslim advisory board, I have occasion to travel. When I go abroad, they ask me where do I come from? I say I come from a Muslim country. "Which country," they say. "Australia." "That's not a Muslim country." "Yes it's Muslim country." "Is not!" "Is so." "Nuh uh." "YUH huh." and so on. Then they say, okay then why aren't you stoning all the drunks and homosexuals? Yow, I have to admit that's a stumper. I tell them that we want a country that is like a fruit salad, not a mega-fruit juice, with alcohol and such. That way we can enventually start eliminating all the unsavory fruits from the salad until Australia is totally halal and delicious.
When I come back to Australia, I'll suggest the stoning thing to the Prime Minister, and he just gives me a weird look and tells me to respect Australian values, and goes back to drinking his beer. Now I am all confused.
Of course Australia is a Muslim country! Explain to the doubters you meet that Australian aborigines were practicing Islam for 100,000 years before the infidel James Cook corrupted the holy land by introducing in Fosters and Footy and bikinis and AC/DC. Explain that it will take years of work to drive the infidel yobbos from our traditional holy cities like Perth and Surfside. Explain that, God willing, and if our dole checques don't get cut, we will restore the ancient Pacific caliphate from Freemantle to Las Vegas. If the doubters persist in their wanton doubtery, apply corrective raping.