The Internet Tubes Keep Moving My Furniture

Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska)

Everybody on my Senate staff tells me that these new internets are important. But it is equally important that non-Senate Americans be alerted to the dangers of internets, before they fall prey to their wily furniture-moving trickery. 

I have been told there's one company now you can sign up and you can get a talkie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box, you thread it into your projector and synchronize the Victorola, and wing zang zowie, you're watching a Ruby Keeler feature with a newsreel and one of those hilarious Ritz Brothers shorts.

But this service is now going to go through the internets! What you do is you just go to a place on one of the internets, and you order your talkie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to the talkie delivery man? With no more talkies to deliver, he's out of work and joins the ticket booth girls and ushers down at the Internetville soup kitchen. And how about your own personal internet?

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all the celluloid clogging the internets on the way to the Western Union, and by the time the Internet-o-gram boy got the to my office it was already Senate nap time so he just shoved it under my door. This is what happens when you rely on internets, and when our young internet delivery boys start smoking the marijuana and lose all sense of responsibilty.

And when my aides woke me up for this vote, do you know what I realized? The internet had sneakily rearranged my office furniture, and I was unable to find my spectacles and pill organizer.

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about how cold it is in here. We are supposed to use this internet to communicate, but now suddenly the Axis is using the internets to turn down the Senate thermostat.

We aren't earning anything by going on that internet. Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discrimnate against those people.

The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can regulate the internet," which regulates our ability to print internet bonds and ration cards and internet Victory Gardens. No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time, because the internets turned down the thermostat again and I'm freezing in here.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck, or locomotive, autogyro.

It's a series of tubes.

If you don't understand this think of a cannoli, the delicious Italian dessert that Silver Screen magazine says is the favorite dessert of popular ballad crooner Frankie Sinatra. If you fill those tubes with enormous amounts of cream cheese, like free movies, there is no room for the spumoni, which is like your messages. Then your spumoni has to get in the line and gets delayed. The result is a flavorless, bland cannoli, and millions of young bobbysoxers are crushed because their fan internets don't get delivered to Frankie.

But that's not the worst of it. Instead of 8 by 10 glossies of their favorite crooners, these innocent bobbysoxers get indecent wolf-whistles from oily drugstore cowboys who loiter about the internet tubes.

Now we have a separate War Department internet now, did you know that?

Do you know why?

Because when you're a commander in the Army Air Corps fighting against the Huns and the Nips, your internets must be delivered immediately. They can't afford getting delayed in by some three reel Hollywood tear-jerker or 4-F zoot suit lothario clogging up the tubes.

Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that cream cheese on the internet tubes. I hasten to remind my Senate colleagues of what happens when you have too much cheese in your diet: painful clogging. Our job is to provide the legislative bran to keep the internets regular.

In conclusion, I would only say that Daisy, Daisy. Give me your answer do. I'm half crazy over the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of an internet built for two.

I move that the Senate adjourns for nap time.