DO AS YOU ARE TOLD
Attention all members of the Legion of Dumb! Your first official mission has been assigned. Old Pal (and full Fellow in the Legion of Dumb) Dr Darren Lee has long supplied me with his special homemade Ozark "hair tonic", and believe you me, it is some of the mellowest, smoothest, low-hangover "hair tonic" you will ever comb. Now Doc is over in the Big Sandy making life miserable for Zarkman, so I'd like to return the favor. Doc writes:
...I need lots of refrigerator magnets to envelop my Humvee with. Naturally you will get the picture of the completed project. I must not let the evil Cavalry types get ahead of me on this one. Perhaps your readers would like to take part with a secret PSYOP decoder ring going to the best magnet.
This is exactly the type of surreal absurdist activity the LOD was founded to support. Thus you are hereby commanded: Send your weirdest refrigerator magnets immediately to
Dr. LeeTPT 1634 1-33 CAV3rd BCT 101 ABN DIVAPO AE 09390
And while your at it, you can support our other servicemen and women by supporting Operation Gratitude which is aiming to get 40,000 care packages together by the 4th of July.
AROUND THE HORN
Why are you here? Go hang out with the cool kids:
Michele at A Small Victory is back and blogging muscle cars and punk rock.
Goldstein is kicking ass and taking names. He's also taking donations, so drop him a few shekels.
Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities has been bringing teh funny bigtime.
Mike at Ipso Facto has started a new comic strip, Dot 'n' Dash.
HAWKEYE HOOSEGOW HONEY
My corn country homie State 29 nominates this week's mug shot pageant winner from Des Moines' Polk County jail: the azure-eyed fawn Jessica.
"Pretty in Pink"? Prettier in Orange, say I! In stark contrast to her innocent ingenue appearance, this 22 year old from suburban Ankeny (yes, Iowa has suburbs) has somehow managed to get herself charged with 2nd degree theft and forgery.
I have to say that every time I post this feature, I feel a surge of native pride for my home state. We're just not all about corn and soybeans and methamphetamines, you know - we also raise a bumper crop of attractive trouble girls! But just as I was beginning to think the Hawkeye State held the bragging rights, I received a dispatch from California reader Evan Kennedy containing this astonishing item from the files of the LAPD:
Suspect: Etourneau, Vanessa Lanza. Height: 5' 09". Weight: 125 pounds. Hair: Blonde. Eyes: Hazel. Date of Birth: May 12, 1972. Wanted for: Stolen and forged checks in the amount of $136,500. Distinguishing characteristics: Dresses in very expensive looking clothes and speaks with a French accent. The suspect speaks five languages fluently: English, French, Italian, Thai and Spanish.
I bow my head in awe, Westsiders. Our Midwest farmers daughters might make us feel alright, but in the words of the Beach Bard Brian Wilson, I wish they all could be California girls.
HEAP OF THE WEEK
Doff of the lid to reader Earl Perry, whos sends these photos of a fine hooptie that was too late for Earth Day cruise nite but nonetheless merited special attention. I have dubbed this patriotic blown big block Cadillac monster truck "The Hippie Squisher." Even with gas at $3 per gallon, what red-blooded American lad does not dream of driving this awe-inspiring tribute to American craftsmanship and values straight into a throng of screaming Che-t-shirted Trustafarian protestors?
