You've Got Mail

By request of Tim Blair

Mr George Bush, President of the United States of America:

For sometime now I have been thinking, how one can justify the undeniable contradictions that exist in the international steel cage octagon of idea-thinkings? Here in which are being constantly debated, specially in political forums and amongst university students. Many questions remain unanswered, and there are many important midterms coming up! These thinkings and contradictions and debations have given me many important headaches. I am telling you this the hopes that it might bring about an opportunity to redress them, and in hopes that you have some Tylenol II.

Can one be a follower of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the great Messenger of God,

Feel obliged to go to the pancake breakfast at the Jesus (PBUH) mosque,

And also Bingo Nites,

Announce one’s opposition to the proliferation of nuclear weapons and WMDs,

Make “War and Terror” into catchy advertising jingle,

And finally, Work towards the establishment of a unified international community – a community which will be governed by Christ and the virtuous Hidden 11th Imam, but only after they recombine as MegaMessenger to do final battle with the diabolical MechaJew.

But at the same time, make crusader attackings on countries; taking their lives and going into villages and homes and mosques to steal cherished family collections of IEDs?

Do not answer! This is a rhetorical question, and I am not finished.

At what price this crusade? Hundreds of billions of dollars spent from the treasury of one country, that could be used to fund totally underfunded muppet program on PBS. Also tens of thousands of young men and women – as occupation crusaders – put in harms way, go crazy with their hands stained with the blood of others, go to infidel M*A*S*H* for craziness problem, and comical villain doctor Frank Burns tries to stop BJ and Hawkeye from sending them back home to their grieving families.

Of course Saddam was a murderous dictator. Hey nobody is perfect. But the war was not waged to topple him, the announced goal of the war was to find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, but the unfound weapons of destruction that did not exist were never found, or destroyed. This is when the you said war was about "democracy" and started silencing dissident comical man Steven Colbert. NO BLOOD FOR OIL! 

Mr President, You might know that I am a teacher, and former leader of Tehran NEA. My students ask me how can theses actions be reconciled with the values of Jesus Christ (PBUH), the Messenger of peace and forgiveness. They also ask me if this will be on the exam, and if they can self-flagellate for extra credit. It gets very annoying.

But anyhoo, there are prisoners in Guantanamo Bay that have not been tried, have no legal representation, no access to their families or cell phones or scimitars. Infidels splash pee pee on their Holy Q'urans. How would you like it if ungloved strangers splashed pee pee on the holy word of your God, hmm??  You would totally riot and go to UN Rights and Blasphemy Commission, and don't deny it man.

European investigators have confirmed the existence of secret prisons in Europe too, and also secret alien prisons in Roswell New Mexico. I fail to understand how secret prisons for followers of Allah and his Messenger (PBUH), be they terrestrial and extraterrestrial, correspond to the values of Jesus Christ (PBUH), liberal values, and carbon-based lifeform rights. Not to change the subject, but did the intergalactic Muslims mention how they face Mecca on their planets? That one's always stumped me.

Young people, university students and ordinary people also have many questions about the phenomenon of Israel. I am sure you are familiar with some of them. Questions like, "why does not this country 'Israel' appear on the old documents and globes, or new United Nations maps?" And, "can I take the makeup Israel quiz? It is pledge night at the Mahdi Martyr Mahdi house."

I tell them to study the history of WWI and II. One of my students told me that after WWII, the crafty Jews claimed that six million Jews had been killed, but it was part of a Jew scheme to Jew the life insurance company. This student totally busted the grade curve, and later scored a 1600 on his Paradise Admissions Test.

Again let us go crazy here and fantasize that these events are true. Does that logically translate into the establishment of the state of Israel in the Middle East, building their humiliating Jew pizza parlors right next to the faithful?

Mr President, I am sure you and your crafty neocon accountants know at what cost Israel was established:

- Many thousands were killed in the process.

- Millions of indigenous people were made refugees.

- Whiny tourist ladies from Miami with big sunglasses.

This tragedy has been ongoing for sixty years now. 

Another big question asked by people is why is this regime being supported?

Another big question asked is: how many licks does this Zionist regime take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, which has been flavored with the blood of Palestinian infants? The answer is "three," because the Zionist will cheat and bite right into to the delicious blood filling.

The newly elected Palestinian administration recently took office, and is now ordering the needed office equipments such as copiers and Successories posters and national defense martyr belts. Unbelievefully, the Israel regime have put the elected government under pressure and not given it money for toner cartridges and rifle scopes.

Mr President, As you are well aware, I live amongst the people and am in constant contact with them -- many people from around the Middle East manage to contact me as well. Because of this constant people-contacting, I have learned that the people are angry. I have also learned to use anti-bacterial lotions before the contacting, but I will continue to be in people contact because I am basically a "people person."

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, the question thing. Sorry.

Why is it that any technological and scientific achievement reached in the Middle East regions is translated into and portrayed as a threat to the Zionist regime? It is an interesting question, but after the technological achievements wipe the Zionist regime off the map, it will be probably a moot question.

Here is another question: have you ever tried repeating "Ahmadinejad" quickly? Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad. Go ahead, it is fun.

Mr President, Don’t Latin Americans have the right to ask, why their elected governments are being opposed and coup leaders supported? By the way, what ever happened to Ricky Martin? He seemed kind of big there for a while.

The people of Africa are hardworking, creative and talented. And, as we all know, very good dancers. Why do you oppose the rights of these talented dancing Africans, throughout Somalia, to put their talents to work in submission to their merciful Islamic owners?

The brave and faithful people of Iran too have many questions and grievances, including: the coup d’etat of 1953, whiny Embassy hostages who always complain of tight blindfolds, support for Saddam in the war waged against Iran, cut-rate outlets like Ikea destroying Persian rug business, increasing threats vis-à-vis the scientific and nuclear progress of the Iranian nation, and many other grievances that I are slipping my mind right now because I am trying to cut down on the caffeine.

Mr President, September Eleven was a horrendous incident, especially that classic "My Pet Goat" scene in Michael Moore's brilliant Oscar-nominated Farenheit 911. Reportedly your government employs extensive security, and has many top-notch airport agents wearing smart blue blazers and gray slacks. September eleven was not a simple operation. Could it be planned and executed without help of these intelligence and security services? Inside job, Mr President dude!!! Busted!!!

American citizen lived in constant fear of fresh attacks that could come at any moment and in any place. They felt insecure in the streets,and fret about relationships of Bennifer and Branjolena. Why was the media, instead of conveying peace of mind about Kevin and Brittney, giving rise to a feeling of insecurity? 

Some believe insiders manipulated the Star and Enquirer to hype the way – and was the justification – for an attack on Afghanistan, and destroy the once-beautiful thing between Brad and Jennifer.

Will the truth not be lost in such a contrive and deceptive climate?  Is Brittney really pregnant again?

As your Excellency is aware, in some states of your country, people are living in poverty. The facts are right there on DKos, Excellency-dude.

Many thousands are homeless and SuperDome Katrina flood-cannibalism is a huge problem. With these conditions in mind, why do you risk sinking Gallup polls over stupid Zionist regime?

Here are some other ideas questions I have been thinking about:

Did you know "RACE CAR" is the same spelled forwards and backwards? Sadly, this is not true in Farsi.

Why does Allah command us to grow beards, but shave our "junk"?  Talk about crazy razor burn!

Are you pleased with the current condition of the world?

___Yes ___No ___Not Sure

Do you like my beard? Be honest. I think it adds 10 years, so I have been seriously thinking about a trim.

The twin whore daughters of yours: do you suspect they might secretly have a thing for swarthy mature men?

The whole Jew race, I mean, how long is that bullcrap going to go on?

Mr President, I am just throwing it out there, and it is not my intention to harsh the international mellow. According to divine verses, we have all been called upon to follow the teachings of divine prophets:

"Ina godda davida baby, don't you know that I'm loving you"

“Ooo ee oo ah ah, wing bang walla walla bing bang"

“And in this ever-changing world in which we live in, makes you give up and cry, LIVE AND LET DIE"

The day will come when all humans will congregate before the court of the Almighty, so that their deeds are examined. I have talked it over with the top theological experts, and believe me Mr President dude you do not want to have Jew-helping on your divine resume.

This day of Judgment is coming soon, as has been revealed to me by the divine voice of invisible spirit of the Hidden Imam #11-B, whose earthly appearance will herald the glorious annihilation of this impure world of lust and debauchery and ungodliness as Allah casts the unbelievers into the eternal sea of agony.

Here are a couple other quick Hidden Imam factoids: his name is Chuck and he really enjoys Raisinettes.

Instead of your current course, Mr President, do you not think you should join us in making the way for peace, friendship and the hidden Imam? There will be many pleasures in the rapidly-approaching world to come, which you too can enjoy - sexy doe-eyed virgins, raisins, dates, Raisinettes, Date-ettes, free Cinemax.

So please give me a call. Together we can kill us all, and let God sort us out.

Mekka lekka hi mekka heinie ho,
Mahmood Ahmadi-Najad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran