Senator Harry Reid (D-NV)
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
HARRY: Hello, I'm Harry Reid, leader of the Democrats in the United States Senate.
NANCY: And me Nancy Pelosi.
HARRY: Like millions of patriotic Americans, Nancy and I, along with our Democratic colleagues in Congress, are concerned about our rapidly deteriorating national security situation. Nearly five years after the tragic events of 9/11, not only is our country wracked by record economic misery, low teacher salaries, expensive senior prescriptions, and widespread leprosy, it also remains at risk for illegal attacks from the terrorist Osama bin Laden. Meanwhile, the Bush administration has us mired in a disastrous unrelated civil war in Iraq, consuming billions of your taxpayer dollars that could be spent on preserving Social Security and community health care block grants for America's starving teachers.
NANCY: We can better do!
HARRY: You bet we can, Nancy. That's why we've purchase space on America's abandoned and neglected websites to present the Democratic vision for a smart, yet tough new national security concept that makes a clean break with the discredited and dangerous policies of this administration. As you can see by the American flags behind us, this is a smart and tough new approach, embodied in a comprehensive plan that was developed by some of America's foremost military minds: Madeleine Albright, Sandy Berger, Markos Zuniga, and former General Wesley Clarke -- the celebrated "Falcon of the Balkans." We call our plan "Operation Steel Gazelle" -- strong and tough like steel, but smart and agile like the gazelle, as it nimbly eludes its hungry predators.
NANCY: Tell, us more Harry.
HARRY: Well Nancy, the first phase of our multi-faceted plan focuses on the number one key to restoring national security: getting Osama bin Laden. Even as we speak, this dangerous fugitive is still on the loose. As the leader of a Democratic majority in Congress, I will make sure that the head Army and Navy generals get a clear and unambiguous message: "Get Osama" is "Job One."
NANCY: But it is important to do smart too!
HARRY: That's right, Nancy. That's why our tough, no-nonsense emails to the generals will include pictures of Osama bin Laden, so they will know who to get.
NANCY: But whats about disguises?
HARRY: Way ahead of you Nancy! Using state-of-the-art PhotoShop smart computers, we will create simulated pictures of Osama bin Laden wearing a mustache, soul patch, trucker hat, and so on, and these will also be included in our emails. Then, the generals will distribute the pictures to the soldiers, and they can then make a surprise attack at Pakistan and get Osama bin Laden, no matter his latest look. Imagine the looks on the terrorists' faces!
NANCY: Me too! What is next, in the plan?
HARRY: Well Nancy, after invading Pakistan and getting Osama bin Laden, our plan will next focus on rapid American redeployment from Iraq. With terrorism finally a thing of the past, we will need our American soldiers back here in the "good ol' USA" to guard Osama bin Laden while he serves out a tough sentence in jail or an innovative work-release program.
NANCY: Sounds, smart! But what about toughness?
HARRY: Don't worry Nancy - before we redeploy the soldiers out of Iraq, we will pass a tough new assault weapons ban in Iraq to keep these dangerous weapons out of the hands of civil war gangs. We will back it up with a roadside bomb amnesty program, and after-madrassa programs for at-risk insurgent youths.
NANCY: Sounds almost too, good to be, true. But there be must a catch!
HARRY: No Nancy, it's all there in black and white, on slide 2 of our plan. The third phase our plan is to double the number of American Special Forces. It will be important that we have enough of these elite tough fighting units in case Osama bin Laden escapes through a secret tunnel and starts his terrorism again, or if his case dismissed on appeal.
NANCY: That's what I call future thinking tough! But is it smart also?
HARRY: We've got that covered too, Nancy. We will work to ensure that these expanded super soldier teams look like America, with plenty of elite security opportunities for all -- regardless of race, gender, age, or GLBT orientation. And, in keeping with the Americans with Disabilities Act, all Special Forces training facilities under our plan will have accessibility ramps by 2008. We have already begun to recruit candidates from the ranks of TSA's elite airport security teams!
NANCY: Sure Harry but, whats about the other dangerous of the futures?
HARRY: I'm glad you asked, Nancy. As you know, we need to remain vigilant to ensure Osama bin Laden never obtains rocket-powered wheelchair technology, possibly enabling him to outrun our elite Special Forces pursuit to teams. This is why our plan calls for more spies - like Jack Bauer of the popular TV action program "24".
NANCY: I like TV!
HARRY: And who doesn't, Nancy? Every Monday night at 9 on Fox, we see how a strong spy force is vital for protecting America from suprise biological attacks by conniving White House insiders. That's why I have directed former ambassador Joseph Wilson to form a new super top secret spy agency, to monitor communications between terrorist groups and Dick Cheney.
NANCY: I feel, safer already. But is thats legal?
HARRY: Yes! Unlike the adminstration's illegal domestic wiretap program, all of our secret agent pursuit teams will include international human rights monitors from the United Nations and ACLU, and an elite three judge FISA panels. Plus, they will have a really cool headquarters with metal and glass furniture and blue lighting... and accessible ramps for our elite Special Forces.
NANCY: Okay okay Harry ha ha I am convinced but how, we can we help pass this exciting security, plan.
HARRY: Well Nancy, let's get the word out to everyone - Democrats have a plan. It is smart, and it is tough, and also, unlike the Bush system, it is planned. So remember, vote Democrat because national security is our number one priority, totally up there with living wage legislation, and opposing so-called "tort reform."
HARRY: That's right Nancy. So the next time someone says the Democrats don't have a plan, what do we say?
HARRY: And if they're still not convinced?