BUSH INKS IRISH FIRM TO GUARD NATIONAL WHISKEY RESERVE
Washington DC - The Bush Administration today angrily defended its controversial approval of the Irish company Donnybrook Lads Ltd. to oversee security at the National Strategic Whiskey Reserve in Lynchburg, TN, vowing to veto a new House bill that would force the two-man firm to undergo federal breathalizer testing.
"During the rigorous 7 minute review process, both Seamus and Kevin gave us an express oral promise that they never touch the stuff," said White House Spokesman Scott McClelland. "Well, maybe just a wee nip at wakes, and on All Saints Day."
"Congressional postering on this issue plays into the worst anti-Irish stereotypes," added McClelland, who said that the security contract included a failsafe Designated Driver clause to keep the Irish firm away from sensitive whiskey truck keys.
"We can reassure the American people that all Strategic Whiskey Reserve transportation and driving duties will be handled by highly-skilled elderly Koreans," said McClelland.
CLOWN COLLEGE MIMES PROTEST NEW PREXY SUMMERS
Sarasota FL - Newly appointed Ringling Brothers Clown College president Lawrence Summers prompted controversy at his inauguration speech today, after his remarks that "we must begin asking ourselves the tough intellectual questions -- why are clowns a leading cause cause nightmares? And why are mimes so universally loathed?"
The remarks prompted an angry, against-the-wind walk out by members of the mime department, with many faculty demanding censure and an apology.
"These remarks demean the entire campus miming community and demonstrate a blatant disregard for diversity," said Mime Department chair Harlequinette.
" ," added Professor Tin Tin, wiping an imaginary tear.
Harlequinette said she would propose 'no confidence' vote at next week's general faculty tiny car assembly, and said she had forward the Summers case to investigators at the college's Anti- Hate-Clowning Committee.
Summers was appointed to replace RBCC's outgoing President Peppy the Hobo Tuesday, after a troubled four year term at the helm of Harvard University. Harvard named Hobo as his replacement late yesterday.
In Cambridge MA, Women's Studies Director Kath Weston led the Harvard Faculty Senate in a rousing welcome for the incoming Peppy the Hobo, saying that "we at long last have a president who understands our important academic mission. He will leave here with very, very, very big shoes to fill."
St. Paul, MN - Minnesota's Democratic Party today called for a ban on a series of television ads featuring Iraq War veterans urging support for U.S. war efforts, calling the spots "un-American."
"The First Amendment protects our cherished American right to dissent with America," said Minnesota DFL Chairman Brian Melendez. "By airing these subversive, un-American pro-American messages of assent, these Army guys are creating a virtual Guantamo where we will lose our patriotic American right to unopposed opposition to American policies, such as our cherished right to oppose the un-patriotic First Amendment."
Melendez warned that if the ads are not immediately banned, "it may lead down a slippery slope where un-American newspapers will feel free to print blasphemous cartoons of the prophet Mohammed."
CHENEY APOLOGIZES FOR POSSIBLE FUTURE FACE-SHOOTINGS
Washington, DC - A contrite Vice President Dick Cheney today issued a pre-emptive apology to "any and all" people who may fall victim to his future face-shootings.
Speaking with Fox News anchor Brit Hume, Cheney said that "I'm sure I will feel awful after it happens, because I bet that bird shot will sting like a son of a bitch."
The Vice President declined to speculate on when and where his next accidents might take place, and who the victims might be, but added that "I think they have a pretty good idea who they are."