Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
Senior VP, Al-Qaeda In Iraq
What's the fizz, homeslice?
I realize it's been long-time no-blog, but the dung continues to roll downhill here at the B-town office, and the revised budget doesn't cover pooper scoopers. My lovable 'tards keep opening the splodeygram eVites from Team Satan, so let's just say Zarkman's been keepin' it on the downlow.
Man, I swear I could almost tolerate this shit if all I had to deal with was the infidels and their local Iraqi ho's. Sure, they'll pop a tomahawk cap in your ass, but you can kinda understand where they're coming from. Upside, you have that fine-ass virgin coochie waiting for you in Paradise. But nooooo, Zarkman also has to cope with his own "team." Holy fucking prophet, with jihadis like these who needs enemies?
Let me 'shplain it fer ya. Like last month, when a couple of the French recruits knocked on my cubicle while I was filling out the Q3 casualty spreadsheet. "Um, Monsieur Zarqawi, we would like to request a transfer to the Paris office."
Okay, so I'm like looking over at Khalid, trying not to laugh. "mmm, okayyyy, any particular reason?"
"Well, sir, since we are French, and France is hot right now, um, and we know the territory and all, we just, like, thought our jihad org skill development would be, well better in the, uh...Paris..."
"Mmm hmm. And what skills would those be?"
"Well, uh, you know. Car burning, subway Jew beating, things like that. People skills."
Shit, I though I was gonna spray some Mecca-Cola through my nose when I saw Khalid behind them, doing that throat-slash thingy with his hook, but I kept it together. "Sure! Sounds like a plan, guys! Umm, why don't you go with Khalid. He'll take you out back and have you fill out the transfer forms." Long story short, they're back in Paris. Torsos, at least.
In fairness I guess you expect that kind of pussified goatshit from French recruits, even when they're shahids. Weasels or not, at least they have enough sense to try to save their own asses. But man, then there are these crazy fucking Saudi and Yemeni and Syrian assholes. Those guys are so stupid and horny for Paradise poontang that they're already blowing themselves up before they get their luggage unloaded from the courtesy van. We got a little joke here at the office:
What's the last thing a Saudi says to a Syrian before they met Allah?
"What does this button do?"
I'm telling you, If you were around these felchers 10 minutes you'd be convinced we need to rethink this whole marrying-in-the-clan thing. And, along with the stupid, comes the gullibility. Zawahiri, in all his motivational wisdom, bought a Dish Network subscription for the office so we could get the CNN and MSNBC feeds. "Good for morale," or something like that. Oh yeah, brilliant move there, Ayman. Next time some of my clueless shitheads decide to attack the "demoralized and broken" Team Satan after watching the Chris Matthews Show, maybe you can help stuff the remains into the Ziplocs and write the goddamn thank-you notes.
Which brings up another thing: those worthless Satanland dhimmis. Yeah, I know they mean well, but Allah save us all from these cocksuckers' "help." I suppose you heard about the infidel peace creeps we snatched last week. Nice little PR coup, huh? Well, you try being in a cramped office with a bunch of smelly Unitarian hippies from Austin bitching about "vegan optional meals" and demanding "natural fiber wrist ropes." Mohammed H. Prophet, I swear that beheading deadline can't come soon enough.
So you wanna talk idiots? Sunshine, I am fucking soaking in 'em. I thought Big Daddy Saddam could relate, so I IM'd him last week. A lotta fucking help that was:
SPIDEYHOLE_999: zup bizich howz da jihad lol
ZARKMAN_385: its ok
SPIDEYHOLE_999: fokkin liar yalls r pwn3d!!!!!!! PIMP LOL
ZARKMAN_385: fokk u homes u r da one in jail
SPIDEYHOLE_999: dude least i get 2 eat
SPIDEYHOLE_999: how r da recruits
ZARKMAN_385: fokkin dumb azzholezzzz
SPIDEYHOLE_999: hear ya dude they r teh suck
ZARKMAN_385: need hlp plz how do i beat USA???? need cheat codez dude
SPIDEYHOLE_999: dont ask me bro
SPIDEYHOLE_999: i cant even get clean drawers lol
SPIDEYHOLE_999: Ramsey sez tlk 2 DNC maybe intrvw on CNN??
SPIDEYHOLE_999: gtg bro visitor day
ZARKMAN_385: awesum whoz visitin
SPIDEYHOLE_999: galloway kofi and chirac
SPIDEYHOLE_999: they bringin pornos
ZARKMAN_385: kewl!!! dont drop da soap homes lol
Okay, I know I'm beginning to sound like a depressed broken record here, but consider this: the elections are still on, and even that worthless fat fuck al-Sadr has put down the halwa and waddled over to join the infidel democracy bullshit. I'm starting to get paranoid about my job security because OBL stopped returning my emails a month ago. Yeah, I've heard the rumor that he's dead, but either way it looks like I'll be lucky if the bonus this year is "Zarkman lives to see the Texas-USC game."
Anyhoo, gotta close, my Zarky-sense is tingling and that usually means jarheads in the neighborhood. Before I split, isn't it close to that big infidel holiday where you give each other free shit? Especially if they're needy? Just so you know, we're running low on a lot of stuff: underwear, ammo, electrical wiring, sterile gauze, stuff like that. You kuffars are always bragging about your holiday cheer, but the only package we've gotten this year is that a cheesy "Hang In There Baby" poster from Howard Dean.