Dear Internet Citizen:
As an active member of the online community, you have likely noted with concern the decay that has plagued many of our once-thriving neighborhoods. URL domains that once hosted multi-million dollar e-commerce sites have become dilapidated pop-up ad districts; where once frollicked delightful dancing cyber-babies and hamsters, we now confront the disgusting violent squalor of L33T HaXoR 'Flame War' gangs. Not only does this decay reflect badly on our community, it creates a dangerous environment for our children and our browser caches. Worst of all, it has really bitten into our potential tax revenue.
Over and over again, we at the Internet Zoning Commission have heard your concerns. Now, thanks to the US Supreme Court's landmark Kelo decision, we finally have the legal tools to reclaim our community from the sleaze merchants and MySpace punks. Starting today, we have earmarked the worst of these squalid areas -- like the site previously occupied at this address -- for immediate condemnation and demolition. The previous owners have been compensated fairly, receiving several 6-packs of Hamms above their site's assessed market value.
In their place, we are proud to announce the construction of RenaissanceBytesCentre.com, a new multi-purpose luxury opinion development that will house some of the Internet's most prestigious properties. RenaissanceBytesCentre.com will be anchored by Britain's upscale Guardian Online, and the ne plus ultra in sophisticated punditry, New York Times Premium. The center will also provide space for over 200 upscale boutique blogs. Despite being small, many of these opinion couturiers, like Andrew Sullivan, report having bandwidth budgets in the millions of dollars.
Once completed, RenaissanceBytesCentre.com will mark a new era for our community -- an era of prosperity and growth not experienced since the heady days of Pets.com and Boo. Not only will it beautify the local Internet, it will and provide countless jobs for needy online citizens. In one study, the new Huffington's Post outlet alone will generate over 100 positions for incoherent actors and unskilled producers' wives -- the forgotten millionaires on the blogosphere's bottom rung. Despite their noise and smell, these people are our fellow human beings. Don't they deserve a chance to be read, too?
But the benefits don't end there. By increasing property values of neighboring URLs, RenaissanceBytesCentre.com will provide the sweet, succulent tax revenue that is the lifeblood of our community. The anticipated tax revenue resulting from this development will have a job multiplier effect by funding several more seats on the Internet Zoning Commission. Finally, RenaissanceBytesCentre.com will be built to exacting global standards, a feature that will increase its value to prospective international internet landlords like the European Union and the United Nations.
So, as they say, "please pardon our dust." I'm sure you will agree with the previous owner of this site, who is now staggering happily with a frosty can of fair compensation, that this project is the best thing for the collective Internet community. Progress Ho!
Sincerely,
The Internet Zoning Commission
PS -- If you are also a property owner, please remember to send us an email by October 23 to schedule an inspection and review of your site.
