MoveOn.org Says Ready For Rita
Galveston, Texas - As Texas Gulf Coast braced for the worst, activist group MoveOn.org today began moving massive convoys of celebrities, civil rights rights spokesmen, reporters, conspiracy theorists and litigators into the region for the expected weekend landfall of Hurricane Rita.
MoveOn spokesman Peter Maloney said that the organization made painful mistakes during the Hurricane Katrina disaster which they would strive to avoid with Rita.
"Frankly, we were caught flat-footed by the Katrina," said Maloney. "We lost almost six hours before were able to coordinate our blame workers with our complaint teams, let alone set up basic communication links with the European media."
"This time, though, we are locked and loaded," he added, pointing to a detailed pre-Hurricane response plan that includes over 10 satellite uplink trucks, redundant teleprompters, and over 200 pounds of nails to flatten the tires of evacuating residents.
$12 B For New WV Pork Study Center
Morgantown, WV - In a late afternoon voice vote, Congress today approved an emergency supplemental appropriations bill that will fund Gulf Coast recovery efforts, as well as the new $12 billon Robert C. Byrd Center For The Study of Government Waste at West Virginia University.
"The devastation from Hurricane Katrina will cost US taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars, and the new WVU center will help us identify creative approaches to finding cuts in other areas," said Larry Wright, a spokesman for the bill's chief sponsor, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV).
Wright said the eight-year construction project for the mountainside center would begin as soon as Congress allocates supplemental funding for the proposed $3 billion, 5,400 foot Robert C. Byrd Memorial Anti-Waste Suspension Bridge To The Robert C. Byrd Center For The Study of Government Waste.
Washington, DC - A massive anti-war march led by Cindy Sheehan, the grieving mother of an American soldier killed in the Iraq war, caused major logistical problems for a Connecticut Avenue Arby's late Wednesday when marchers descended on the restaurant for post-march sandwiches and drinks.
"Man, there must have been at least 25 or 30 of them, and we were caught between lunch and dinner shifts," explained Arby's manager Duane Richards. "They almost drained my last cannister of Diet Pepsi."
Air America Takes To The On-Ramps
New York - Struggling radio talk network Air America today announced it was "takin' it to the on-ramps" in an aggressive fundraising campaign to address chronic debt and flagging ratings. Air America host Al Franken said that the new hard-sell campaign shows that the network was "finally getting radio street smarts" that it would eventually use to vault it over arch-rival Rush Limbaugh.
"Our last fundraising campaign focused on totebags and bumperstickers, real loser NPR stuff," said Franken. "This time we're targeting upscale 18-54 drive-time radio commuters, and giving them the stuff they really want -- great offers on discount roses and clean windshields."
Schumer Lauds Pair For Privacy Activism
Washington, DC - At an evening awards ceremony for the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, DSCC Chair Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) lauded Katie Barge and Lauren Weiner, two aides who made falsified requests for credit reports on Maryland Lt. Governor Michael Steele.
"Our Constitutional right to privacy is under attack daily from Republicans like Michael Steele," said Schumer. "Thanks to the tireless work of young staffers like Katie and Lauren, we are finally identifying these anti-privacy extremist by name, confronting them where they live, at 1168 Bryn Mawr Circle, Wiltshire, Maryland, and letting them know that they cannot buy our democracy with their MasterCard, 5587 1149 7687 9004, expiration date 08 08."
Barge and Weiner will share the DSCC's 2005 "Profiles in Privacy" award with the investigative staff of the New York Times, who Schumer lauded for "a relentless pursuit of John Robert's adoption records."
