PENN UNVEILS PLAN FOR GIANT JAPANESE MECHA-CUPMAN
Decrying the federal government's response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster as "an utter disgrace," actor-activist Sean Penn today unveiled his design for a gigantic man-controlled robot suit that, if successful, could bail out the waterlogged city of New Orleans "within a matter of hours."
Penn said he struck upon the idea during a recent independent rescue operation, and quickly sketched out a design on the back of a film script he had been reading. Code named "Iyamasama," Penn's 900-foot tall mecha design features a 250,000 gallon red plastic kegger cup potentially capable of moving millions of gallons of contaminated water from the streets.
"Unlike the Bush war machine, this mecha will be solar-powered," noted Penn.
Penn said he had already dispatched several of his publicists to Tokyo to pass his design to top Japanese scientists.
[Update: Waco Kid has located secret Mecha Cupman plans - ed.]
CNN ANALYST PUSHES FOR SANDWICH DROP
In a blistering critique of the Bush Adminstration's management of the Katrina disaster, CNN analyst Jack Cafferty today repeated his call for emergency sandwiches.
"I tell you, I must have gotten 500-600 letters supporting my plan for Operation Sandwich Drop," he told CNN News Night host Wolf Blitzer. "I’m 62, I remember the riots in Watts, I remember the earthquake in San Francisco. And let's face it: they had plenty of sandwiches. I remember a lot of things. I have never, ever, seen anything as completely without sandwiches as this situation in New Orleans. Except maybe the CNN company picnic in '87. I mean, what was going on with that?"
SENATE DEMS: NOMINATION WOULD UPSET COURT BALANCE
Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) today warned the Bush Administration against nominating a replacement for late Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist, saying that any additional members would risk upsetting the court's current precarious 4-3 balance.
"If we were to approve John Roberts or any other radical nominee for the Court's so-called 'vacancies,' we risk undoing the progress we have achieved through 216 years of democracy and thyroid cancer," he said.
"Instead of contaminating the court with new and dangerous nominees, the adminstration needs to help us protect our nation's current fragile legal ecosystem," added Reid. "Many of our current old growth justices are endangered, and we call on the President to fund research to preserve them, and possibly reanimate their corpses when necessary."
FEMA HEAD WARNS PUBLIC OF POSSIBLE HURRICANE
Federal Emergency Management Adminstration Director Michael Brown today issued a warning to Gulf Coast residents to be on the lookout for Hurricane Katrina, a tropical storm that he said may reach landfall as early as last Sunday.
"I understand it may be large," said Brown. "We encourage residents to seek shelter for their families and their Arabian horses."
CNN ANALYST: SANDWICH DROP SHOULD INCLUDE EGG SALAD
In another withering on-air indictment of federal sandwich disaster response, CNN Analyst Jack Cafferty scorched the Bush adminstration for efforts that were "too little, too late, and with too goddammed few sandwiches."
"I am 62 years old," said Cafferty. "Instead of meandering around on his bicycle, why isn't Bush in New Orleans, making sandwiches for the big sandwich drop? I mean, where are the damned sandwiches, Mr. President? These people need sandwiches, not promises. And not just some stupid American cheese and white bread sandwiches, they need quality sandwiches like egg salad, and tuna, and not the kind that's cut down with gobs and gobs of Miracle Whip."
"I am 62 years old," he added.
COAST GUARD SEEKING LOST PENN ENTOURAGE
U.S. Coast Guard ships were reportedly fanning out across the Gulf Coast this afternoon seeking to locate several members of actor-activist Sean Penn's entourage. The group had reportedly set sail in a rowboat from New Orleans this morning, en route to Tokyo, to initiate robot planning talks with top Japanese scientists.
"Thus far, the Coast Guard response has been a utter disgrace," said Penn in an angry interview with Air America host Randi Rhodes.
N.O. MAYOR SLAMS FEDS FOR LACK OF INCOMPETENCE PLANNING
In a televised interview with CNN's Larry King, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin today angrily criticized government response to the Katrina disaster, noting that state and federal officials had "failed to anticipate and factor in my obvious corruption and incompetence."
"What kind of bubble do these idiots live in?" said Nagin. "For crissakes, this is New Orleans, and me, we're talking about."
POWER OUTAGES PLAGUE PLASMA SCREEN LOOTER COMMUNITY
New Orleans Looters Association spokesman Kevin Broussard said his group would press local, state and federal officials for immediate delivery of emergency generators to power plasma screen televisions, silenced since the onset of New Orleans flooding.
"We in the looting community have now been without electric power and TV for 8 consecutive days," said Broussard. "America needs to step and fulfill its broken promise of rich colors and amazing lifelike high definition."
PENN ASK JAPANESE PUBLIC HELP IN LOCATING TOP SCIENTISTS
Actor-activist Sean Penn today sought international support for his fledgling giant Mecha Cupman project, appealing to the Japanese public for assistance in locating Japan's top local robot scientists.
"Unfortunately, I live in a country who just doesn't give a damn unless it's about war," said Penn, who also issued an apology to the Japanese people for the United States' 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Penn, who is familiar to many Japanese consumers from to his appearance in Japanese cat food and tampon commercials, urged Tokyo citizens to "be on da rook-out fol da big gloup of lound-eyes in low-boat," and to "dilect them to top-top lobot mans."
BLANCO: I'M A SURVIVOR
In a tear-streamed press conference Tuesday, Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco reassured state citizens that "It took a lot of time curled up on the couch with Lifetime TV and Hagen-Daaz, but I am going to get through this."
"I've heard all the petty, nasty comments," said Blanco, wiping a tear on the lapel of her robe. "Why don't you do something? Make a decision, people are dying. Put on a little makeup, you could be almost as pretty as Mary Landrieu."
"Well, let me tell you something, Kathleen Blanco is a survivor," she said. "And I promise the people of Louisiana that I will refuse to beat myself up over this."
Blanco Spokesman Jodie Edwards said the governor would return to the statehouse in Baton Rouge today to lobby the legislature to change the official state song to "I Will Survive," the 1979 Gloria Gaynor disco classic.
CNN ANALYST: ASTRODOME ROOF HAMPERS SANDWICH DROP
During a live broadcast of CNN's ongoing disaster coverage, CNN Analyst Jack Cafferty again excoriated the Bush adminstration for bungling his plan for a life-saving sandwich drop to Hurricane Katrina survivors.
"Here it is, 7 days later, and there has yet to be a single airplane dispatched from FEMA or the National Guard or the FBI to airlift quality sandwiches to the survivors of Katrina," said Cafferty. "And now they have compounded the error by moving the refugees to the Houston Astrodome. At least the Superdome had some holes in the roof so that the sandwiches could get through, as long as the sandwich parachutes were small enough."
"I swear, in my 62 years I have never seen such an incompetent clusterfuck of Federal sandwich management," he said. Cafferty called on FEMA to shuttle the refugees to Houston's nearby Reliant Stadium, which features a retractable roof, to increase their chances of catching falling sandwiches.
"And hello, FEMA director Michael Brown... remember to leave the roof open," he added sarcastically.
STARS SLATED FOR MECHA-CUPMAN FUNDRAISER
NBC threw its support behind Sean Penn's Mecha Cupman giant robot hurricane relief effort today, announcing it will televise MechAid, the all star weekend concert telethon aimed at raising funds for the project.
At an afternoon press conference announcing the gala, event co-hosts Oprah Winfrey, Celine Dion, Kanye West, Dr. Phil and Katie Couric said that the benefit would focus on both the MechBot and human elements of the tragedy in New Orleans.
"By working together, humans and giant robot Sean Penns can battle mankind's most deadly enemy -- angry, globally warmed hurricanes," said Couric.
"George Bush kill black children," added West, who was recently named 'Smartest Man in Music' by Time magazine.
To symbolize MechAID's outreach to needy citizens of New Orleans, Las Vegas superstar entertainer Dion said that she and hundreds of celebrities would fan out through the streets, wading though the floodwaters with live electric lines, to bring relief to stranded residents until Mecha-Cupman arrives.
"It will be, how you say, a grande finale," said Dion.
