Iowahawk Special Guest Commentary
By Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi
As a holy activist battling infidel crusaders and their heretic lackeys here in Mesopotamia, Allah knows I have to have a thick skin. Still, every once in a while, I’ll run across something that really gets my blood boiling. For instance, after my last opinion piece I got this nastygram from some choad over in Great Satanland:
I am appalled and sickened that anyone would draw a parellel between Al-Zarqawi and the American Left.
Oh, ya think? Well, I got news for you, Moby: I’m not exactly thrilled about any such comparison MYSELF, okay? See, I didn’t spend the last ten years crawling in the sand at jihad training camp, getting my knuckles thwacked by an Imam every time I forgot a Quran verse, and living in smelly Baghdad safehouse just to get compared to a bunch of trucker-hat AltWeekly motards from Austin and Seattle.
Me, like the American Left? I mean, are you fucking joking me?
As. Fucking. If.
Oh sure, the infidel progressives like to talk a good game. They’ll call you “freedom fighters” and “the resistance” and “Iraqi Minutemen.” But soon as you need some volunteers to take out a grade school full of collaborators, they’re like, “sorry dude, I’ve got to run off some International ANSWER fliers at Kinkos.”
Next, when you string up some smoldering infidel carcasses from a Fallujah bridge, they’re all like, “fuck yeah, screw those mercenaries! High five, man! C’mon, man, don’t leave me hangin’ bro!” But where were these guys when there was dismemberment and heavy carcass-lifting to do? Updating the UBB scripts on their fucking message boards, that’s where.
And please, don’t even get me started about the armchair quarterbacking. They want you to kill crusaders, but only enough that the other ones go home, I guess so they can film the survivors for a weepy poignant Vietnam documentary. Oh yeah, great plan, Field Marshall Von Sundance. I’m right on it, just as soon I FIND A PLACE WHERE I CAN GET TWO FUCKING HOURS OF BOMB-FREE SLEEP.
Holy dung, like I don’t have enough of my own local idiots to put up with. Do you realize how hard it is to find decent jihad recruits when you're taking fire from infidels and Iraqis? Cripes, you should have seen the collection of numbnuts and droolers on the short bus from Saudi yesterday. Good Allah, I swear the only way we’re ever gonna turn these morons into martyrs is to plant detonation buttons inside their nostrils.
Where was I? Anyway, sorry for the rant, but it’s been a tough couple of months and the last crap I need is to get associated with a bunch of infidel college radio imbeciles totally unclear on the concept. Get insulted by one of Rove’s little satan assholes, and what do they do? Whine and bitch and threaten to “shut their fucking mouths while I'm pummelling them”and “..me & my brick in a dark alley” and “sharpen your knives” and “just punch the stupid fucker out” and “they'll consider the possibility of getting a shot in the teeth,” yada yada yada. Hel-loooo people: how do you expect anybody to take an anti-war movement seriously if its all 'jibba-jabba' and no 'chop-chop'?
Man, I just don’t get it. There are lots of other American groups who are joining us against Bush’s crusade, like David Duke and Fred Phelps and Stormfront. But who do I get automatically lumped in with? East Village Rage Against My Allowance fuckwits in Fred Perry tracksuits who can’t figure out the controls on an iPod, let alone an international revolution.
It's not fair, and I swear to Allah the next time somebody tries to link the jihad with these infidel dipshits, I am totally going to snap. And the next time one of you chicken martyrs puts on a keffiya and starts babbling about “solidarity with the resistance,” remember this: just because we are planning to kill you last doesn’t make you our buddy.