[with apologies to JK Rowling]
CHAPTER 26: THE HOWLING MEXICAN MIST
Harry was tranfixed by the sight of Dumbledore, lying on the carpet of his office, as the mysterious shadowy figure loomed over his limp and lifeless body. He froze in terror, desperately holding his breath as not to attract the cackling killer's attention. His scar began to throb uncontrollably. Suddenly the silence was torn by a violent reverberating FRRRRAARRPPP!
"Sorry, 'arry, you know 'ow it is with 'em cafeteria burri'os," said Hagrid sheepishly.
"WHO CUT THE CHEESE?" said the enraged spectre with a hissss. He turned around slowly, removing the hood, revealing a pair of menacing reptilian yellow eyes that trained themselves straight at Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid.
"Voldemort!" screamed Harry -- half in fear, half in rage -- and quickly trained his wand at the Lord of Dark Magic.
"Ah... Mister Potter, my old nemesis. We meet again," he said with a sickly smile. apparating a can of Lysol that quickly cleared up the pungent mist of Hagrid's lunchtime burritos.
"You were the one who planted the bombs that killed all the muggles on Platform 9 3/4!"
"One and the same, dear boy."
"You were the one who caused our own owls to crash into Gryffindor Tower!"
"How very perceptive of you, Harry."
"You were the one who killed the entire Hufflepuff Quiddich team! The one who strapped dynamite on the Dementors! The one who filed that class action suit to release the Azkaban detainees!"
"Well, no shit Sherlock," Voldemort sneered with an air of irritation.
"And you... you are the one who makes my robe levitate every time I sneak into the girl's dormitory in my invisibility cloak!"
"Um... don't they teach you anything in health class?" said Voldemort quizzically. "No matter. I have grown weary of our conversation, Harry, and I am pleased to say it will be our last. Prepare to meet your doom."
Voldemort's eye's glowered and narrowed as he raised his crooked wand. The four friends prepared for the inevitable, then... the Dark Lord suddenly hunched, doubled over, and collapsed with a high pitched wheeze on the carpet.
"I'm afraid your dark magic is no match for a good swift British kick in the nuts," said Professor Dumbledore, leaping up and brushing himself off.
"Oh Professor, thank goodness you're alive!" cried Hermione.
"No time for that now, Hermione! Quickly, Harry, use the banishment spell I taught you! Quickly, before he gets back up!"
"No, sir," said Harry quietly.
"What... what do you mean, Harry?" asked Dumbledore, dumbfounded.
"I mean sir, maybe the Dark Lord and Professor Galloway and the Al-Dementor insurgents have a point. I mean -- we obviously have made them angry, what with all their bombs and soul-eatings and dismemberment spells. Maybe we have oppressed the dark magicians. Maybe the Sorting Hat does unfairly discriminate against Dementor students. Maybe the Muggles have stolen their lands. Maybe knee-jerk retaliation against Voldemort is exactly the sort of thing that will cause them to react with more and more spells."
Dumbledore looked at Harry in silence.
"And so maybe, Professor, just maybe... we should sit down with Voldemort and Professor Galloway to talk about how we can end all this sensless bombing and spell-casting, and start a real dialog between us and the Dark Arts community, and build real diversity and understanding here at Hogwarts."
"Now you're finally talking sense, my boy," gasped Voldemort, painfully rising to his knees.
CHAPTER 28: SCHOOL'S OUT
Ron and Hermione panted in unison as they hopped on the Hogwarts Express and found an empty seat next to a laughing throng of second-years. The engine huffed slowly to life, and the train commenced its annual journey back to London.
"I have to say that was the most exciting year yet for Gryffindor," said Hermione. "Winning the House Cup again, Beckham on the Quiddich team, plus all of the explosions and deaths!"
"Yeah," said Ron. "But I'm a bit worried about next year. I ain't quite used to the idea of Voldemort as Headmaster, let alone the new Dementor House."
"Don't be such a stick in the mud Ron," said Hermione frowning. "We'll make loads of new friends and have brilliant adventures. And I can't wait to take that new Appeasement Against the Dark Arts from Professor Been."
"I s'pose," said Ron, opening a bag of Bertie Bott's. "But I'm really gonna miss some of the old crowd, like Dumbledore and the old house ghosts."
"Oh posh," said Hermione. "Look at it this way, Ron: Hogwarts might have lost Nearly-Headless Nick, but now we've gained Completely Headless Harry."