War of the Worlds: The Lost Version

“War of the Worlds”
Aladdin Radio Theater of the Air
CBS, Sunday October 30, 1938
Radioplay First Draft

ANNOUNCER
The Columbia Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations present Orson Welles and the Aladdin Theatre on the Air in "The War of the Worlds" by H. G. Wells. Brought to you Aladdin long-leaf Persian cigarettes, for that rich long-lasting poppy flavor of the Casbah.

(MUSIC: ALADDIN THEATRE MUSICAL THEME, "THE SNAKE CHARMER")

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, the director of the Aladdin Theatre and star of these broadcasts, Orson Welles.

ORSON WELLES
We know now that in the early years of the twentieth century this world was being watched closely by brains much greater than man's, and yet as mortal as his own. We know now that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns, enjoying the rich, long-lasting poppy flavor of Aladdin, now in a crush-proof box, they were scrutinized and studied -- perhaps as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the creatures that swarm in a drop of water, or as a man with a telescope might hungrily study a lovely silhouette disrobe in a nearby apartment.

With infinite complacence the people went to and fro over the earth about their little affairs, some in the roomy liqui-cushioned mohair comfort of the all-new 1939 Kokomo Mogul 8, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small, spinning flake of delicious celestial Oatabix which man has inherited out of the dark mystery of Time and Space.

Yet across an immense ethereal gulf, as wide as the stance on the new Kokomo Mogul 8, minds that are to our minds as ours are to the beasts in the jungle, intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us... waiting... watching...

ANNOUNCER
(FADE IN) ...and bringing a forecast of rain, accompanied by light winds. Maximum temperature, 61. This weather report is brought to you by Lux-o-Lad, the man's pomade with the patented Hollywood sheen. We take you now to the Bakelite Room of the Hotel Zephyr in downtown New York, where you'll be entertained by the music of Ramón Raquello and his orchestra.

(MUSIC: SPANISH THEME SONG ["TANGO DE LOS HUEVOS"]... FADES)

ANNOUNCER TWO
Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our program of syncopated Latin dance rhythms to bring you a special bulletin from Consolidated Radio News.

At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Chicago Scientific Observatory reports observing several explosions of incandescent gas on the planet Mars. Space-o-scope readings indicate the gas to be methane escaping from a subterranean Martian bowel and moving towards the earth with enormous velocity.  Professor Pierson of the Observatory at Princeton confirms Farrell's observation, and describes the phenomenon as, quote, "like a jet of blue flame from milady's favorite, the all-new streamlined Flashpoint brand kitchen range," unquote.

We now return you to the music of Ramón Raquello, playing for you in the Bakelite Room of the Hotel Zephyr in downtown New York.

(MUSIC PLAYS FOR A FEW MOMENTS UNTIL PIECE ENDS... SOUND OF APPLAUSE)

ANNOUNCER THREE
And now a tune that never loses favor, the ever-popular "Cerveza Mi Amor." Ramón Raquello and his orchestra...

(MUSIC)

ANNOUNCER TWO
Ladies and gentlemen, the Government Meteorological Bureau has requested scientists of the country to keep an astronomical watch on any further disturbances occurring on the planet Mars. We are ready now to take you to the Princeton Observatory where Carl Phillips, our commentator, will interview Professor Barbara Pierson, famous astronomer. We take you now to Princeton, New Jersey.

CARL PHILLIPS
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Carl Phillips, speaking to you from the observatory of Princeton. Professor Barbara Pierson stands directly above me on a small grated platform. She is gently grasping and twisting the giant lens, her... her shapely legs... reaching slowly heavenwards...

PROF. PIERSON
May I help you, Mr. Phillips?

CARL PHILLIPS
I'm sorry, Professor, would you please tell our radio audience exactly what you make of the strange happenings on planet Mars?

PROF. PIERSON
I am not sure, Mr. Phillips. We have observed Martian gas eruptions pointed toward Venus for many years, but this is the first we have seen them shooting towards Earth. They are probably a consequence of corporatist destruction projects in the west, like the Hoover Dam and the Golden Gate Bridge.

CARL PHILLIPS
By the way, Professor, for the benefit of our listeners, where did you buy your lovely hosiery?

PROF. PIERSON
I’m sorry, Mr. Phillips, would you please move over? I can’t see you when you are directly under my platform.

CARL PHILLIPS
(OFF-MIC) what's that? I see. Excuse me Professor. Ladies and gentlemen, Consolidated Radio News has receive a wire flash bulletin that a series of meteors have landed outside nearby Grovers Mill, New Jersey. Professor Pierson will be en route and we now return you to the Bakelite Room for the music of Ramon Raquello.

(MUSIC “SAMBA DO LOS BANOS”)

CBS ANNOUNCER
This performance of H.G. Welles’ War of the Worlds will continue after a brief intermission. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

ANNOUNCER
Star announcer Dennis O’Kelly for Aladdin cigarettes.

DENNIS O’KELLY
Hello folks. As a CBS radio announcer, I have to keep my voice box in tiptop condition in case of breaking bulletins. That’s why when I need a smoke, I reach for a pack of Aladdin, the cigarette with the intriguing poppy flavor of the Orient. That rich tobacco taste picks me up and helps me keep my velvet Irish baritone. And don’t forget to try UST&N’s other fine brands of like Fez, Sphinx, Lucky Kentucky, Lady Tarboro, and Okie – the budget brand with a full nickel’s taste in a two-cent pack.

CBS ANNOUNCER
We now return to Orson Welles in Aladdin Radio Theater’s adaption of War of the Worlds.

(MUSIC: FADES)

ANNOUNCER
...what’s that? Just a minute, I… ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this broadcast and take you now to reporter Carl Phillips, who is on the scene in the small farm town of Grovers Mill, New Jersey, where witnesses have reported several meteors strikes. Ladies and gentlemen, Carl Phillips.

(PAUSE. THEN CROWD NOISES, POLICE SIRENS...)

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Carl Phillips again, out of the Wilmuth farm, Grovers Mill, New Jersey. Professor Pierson and myself made the eleven miles from Princeton in ten minutes. Well, I... hardly know where to begin, to paint for you a word picture of the incredible scene before my eyes, as it appears that a button has burst on Professor Pierson’s blouse, revealing… a tantalizing glimpse… of --

(SOUND EFFECTS: SLAP)

CARL PHILLIPS
Ow! Oh, there… yes, over there, I see it. I haven't had a chance to look around yet. I guess that's it. Yes, I guess that's the meteor, directly in front of me, half buried in a vast pit, 30 yards across. With me now is Mr. Elmer Wilmuth, owner of the farm here. Mr. Wilmuth, would you please tell the radio audience as much as you remember of this rather unusual visitor that dropped in your backyard?

MR. WILMUTH
Well, Maw and I was listenin' to the radio on the porch, enjoyin’ the rich country taste of an Okie cigarette, when zingo! The sky just lit up, and blango! I wast plumb knocked clean out of my seat.

(FAINT HUMMING SOUND)

CARL PHILLIPS
Professor Pierson, the object itself doesn't look very much like a meteor, at least not the meteors I've seen. It looks more like a huge cylinder -- long and rigid and throbbing. In your scientific opinion, do feel the urge to touch the cylinder, Professor?

PROF. PIERSON
I’m not sure what you’re driving at Mr. Phillips.

CARL PHILLIPS
Closer to the microphone please.

(CROWD NOISES, SCREAMS, GUNFIRE...)

CARL PHILLIPS
Just a minute! Something's happening! Ladies and gentlemen, this is terrific! This end of the thing is beginning to flake off! It’s glowing red-hot! Mr. Wilmuth is lighting a cigarette on the hull!

VOICES
She's movin'! Look, the darn thing's unscrewing!

(CLANKING SOUND, SHOUT OF AWE FROM THE CROWD)

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed... Wait a minute! Someone or... something crawling out of the hollow top. I can see two luminous disks . . are they eyes? It might be a face. It might be... Good heavens, something's wriggling out of the shadow like a gray snake. Now it's another one, and another one, and another one! They look like tentacles to me…

(CROWD SCREAMS)

CARL PHILLIPS
Oh my word, ladies and gentlemen, some kind of horrible mechano-beasts are rising from the pit, and, and there … it looks as if… two have begun levitating! Spinning like tops in the air and –

(LOUD HUMMING AND SWOOSH)

CARL PHILLIPS
They’ve now flown! Shooting across the dark horizon to the Northeast! Oh my word, ladies and gentlemen some of the mechano-beasts have begun crushing spectators and policemen in their cars! Oh, if only they had been in a Kokomo Mogul 8, with patented  solid-iron Sedan-Dome safety zone! Wait! One of the creatures has now picked up farmer Wilmuth! Oh no! The thing is producing a flame from one of its tentacles… and… good heavens no! The creature is now literally smoking poor Mr. Wilmuth!

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen we interrupt this broadcast for an important announcement. At 9:05 Eastern time, witnesses in Manhattan report that two hurtling metallic disks have struck the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings in New York. Casualties appear to be heavy. We will keep you up-to-date on developments as they arise. This special bulletin is brought to you by Oatabix, the delicious hot gruel flake endorsed by yodeling cowpoke Gene Denver and his horse, Safety.

ANNOUNCER TWO
Ladies and gentlemen we interrupt this interruption to return you to Grovers Mill, New Jersey, scene of the terrific calamity. We now join… we now join reporter Carl Phillips on site.

(LOUD SCREAM, SLAP)

CARL PHILLIPS
Ow! I’m sorry Professor Pierson, I was just reaching for the microphone control and I guess my hand slipped. Professor, as we look out and see the Martian mechano-men smashing and blowing up the countryside, I think all America wants to know: why do they hate us?

PROF. PIERSON
That’s a very good question Mr. Phillips, and I’m sure the mechano-men have a number of good reasons. Maybe it is our militarism, our alignment with their Venusian oppressors, or it could be the luxurious liqui-cushioned ride of our Kokomo Mogul 8s. Whatever their reasons, it is important that we get beyond the violence and begin a dialog with the mechano-men –

(LOUD MECHANICAL NOISES)

CARL PHILLIPS
I’m sorry to interrupt Professor, but have to describe an incredible turn of events. Over Mr. Wilmuth’s hedgerow, there has burst a phalanx of US Army tanks, perhaps dispatched from Fort Dix… and, yes, I believe the sound you just heard overhead was an Army Air Corps bomber squadron! It appears that the War Department has launched an counter assault against the mechano-men! Just a minute, there is a caisson rolling by and… excuse me, sir, Carl Phillips, Consolidated Radio News. May I have a word?

CAPTAIN LANSING
Quickly.

CARL PHILLIPS
Can you tell the folks at home who you are, and what you are doing here?

CAPTAIN LANSING
I’m Captain Lansing of the signal corps, attached to the state militia, and we’re here to give these Martians a taste of hot New Jersey lead.

CARL PHILLIPS
Captain, I think question on the mind of all our listeners is obvious – have you received authorization for this action from the League of Nations?

CAPTAIN LANSING
Well, no, but the President and the War Department have asked us to…

CARL PHILLIPS
If you proceed without the cooperation of Prime Minister Chamberlain or Mr. Stalin or the Germans, won’t the mechano-men have a strong case that this is an illegal, unilateral strike that only serves the interest of the United States, and neo-Venusian masters? Won’t this just anger the Martian community, and provoke them further? What about the brutal New Jersey winter? What about --

CAPTAIN LANSING
Listen, pal, I have to go, they’re shooting death rays at our tanks. You’re welcome to embed with us.

CARL PHILLIPS
With all due respect Captain, that would compromise my integrity as a radio journalist, and a citizen of the solar system. Wait! Ladies and gentlemen, I can hardly describe the horror before my eyes! The Air Corps bombers… and the tanks… they are overwhelming and decimating the outmatched mechano-men! One by one, the mechano-men are fleeing and surrendering!

(TROOPS CHEERING)

CARL PHILLIPS
I think I’m going to be sick.

PROF. PIERSON
Roosevelt lied! Robots Died!

CARL PHILLIPS
(OFF MIC) What..? Are you sure? Ladies and gentlemen, I have just received a wire service report that state militias and police have captured and killed hundreds of mechano-men from Maine to California. How many mechano-women and mechano-children also died in this senseless violence, we may never know. I’m afraid this is it folks… I’m afraid that it looks as if we have lost all hope for mechano-kind.

CBS ANNOUNCER
This performance of H.G. Welles’ War of the Worlds will continue after a brief intermission. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

ANNOUNCER TWO
They’re all here, all new, all now! Kokomo Motors presents the brassy and sassy boulevard fleet of 1939. From the steady economy of the Salesman Standard 1-door Coupe, to the debauched chrome-plated luxury of the Mogul 8, every 1939 Kokomo comes with the exclusive liqui-cushion Dynamic-Pelvis suspension. Visit your local Kokomo Agency and see why Kokomo is truly the car that “Lets You Ignore Those Potholes In Store!”

GENE DENVER
Howdy there, boys and girls, this is yodelin’ buckaroo Gene Denver. Out in the West, it takes a lot of energy to flee from a band of desperados, or delicately negotiate with a gang of stagecoach robbers. That’s why my horse Safety and I always eat our Oatabix every morning. Oatabix is the extra-light gruel flake that won’t weigh you down when you need to head for the hills. Ain’t that right, Safety?

SAFETY
Neighhhh-h-hh-h!

GENE DENVER
And don’t forget to watch me and Safety in our new 12-part Olympic Pictures Serial, “Gene Denver Outruns The Copper Gulch Gang.” 

CBS ANNOUNCER
We now return to the exciting conclusion of Aladdin Radio Theater’s adaption of War of the Worlds.

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, I am not sure if anyone is still listening to the sound of my voice, but it appears that the War Department has taken the mechano-insurgents into some sort of mobile detention facility… they are not allowing me access, and I can only imagine what sort of demented tin torture the doughboys are inflicting on the mechano men. Captain Lansing! Captain Lansing! How long are you going to hold these creatures without formal charges?

CAPTAIN LANSING
Do you mind Phillips? We’re a little busy here, we’re still trying to round up the remaining Martians before they zap any more odeons with their death rays.

CARL PHILLIPS
So you’re saying you are now deliberately profiling Martians?

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, we now take you to New York, where the metropolitan police have apprehended dozens of suspected immigrant mechano-men, reportedly without warrants. Reporting on the scene is Consolidated Radio News commentator Chick Dumont, outside a Times Square Trans-Lux where a large crowd has assembled.

CHICK DUMONT
Ladies and gentlemen, the scene is bedlam here in Midtown as a massive throng of hepcats is on apparently on its way to the Savoy to jitterbug against the war. Excuse me, son, can you explain this crazy-legged rug-cutting for the listeners?

HEPCAT
Natch, Jackson! This Martian war jazz is a big biff of booshwash, so we’re spuzzed up and boiling down to the trot parlor for a clam-bake against Frankie the Gimp and his White House saps. Free the mechanical 100! No Blood for Aluminum!

CHICK DUMONT
There you have it, folks, thousands of bobbysoxers and alligators flossing and flopping for interplanetary peace. Let’s now return to Carl Phillips in Grovers Mill with an important update.

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, you’re never going to believe it! Thanks to the dedicated work of the shapely Professor Pierson, Grovers Mill is now being swarmed by a brigade of professors from Princeton, and Rutgers, and Columbia, a massive academic throng speaking out for Martian rights and against Mechanophobia! Here, I am speaking with Professor Mills of The Rutgers Institute for Interplanetary Liberties. Professor, what is your strategy?

PROFESSOR MILLS
First, we are filing for an immediate New Jersey state injuction to release the Martians until we can determine whether the War Department has subjected them to illegal metal stress and oxidation. Next we are filing a federal class action suit against Roosevelt on behalf of the detainees, seeking damages for false imprisonment and abuse of the Martians’ holy mechano-tablets. Next –

CARL PHILLIPS
I’m sorry professor, I’m receiving word from Consolidated News’ Hollywood office that the major motion picture studios are all embarked a furious race to produce the first Martian-New Jersey war epic... first up, “It Came From Fort Dix,” starring matinee idol Lash LaDouche, “It Girl” Irma Dayton, little Ronnie McKellen as an innocent Mechano-family caught under the jackboot of American troops.

SENATOR WILLIAMS
May I jump in here?

CARL PHILLIPS
It’s US Senator Van Houten Williams. By all means, Senator.

SENATOR WILLIAMS
As ranking member of the Senate Armed Alien Invasion Subcommittee, I think it’s high time that we get to the bottom of the detainee abuses. We need straight answers from the Roosevelt War Department – when is their timetable for withdrawal from New Jersey? Why aren’t they increasing the number of troops, and also, why aren’t they reducing them? I am afraid New Jersey is becoming a quagmire, and our continued presence here only recruits more young New Jerseyans to the Martian cause, and –

CARL PHILLIPS
Senator, I’m afraid I must interrupt you, to read this important telegram that has just been received by the field troops here in Grovers Mills… quote, “Order is hereby given to release all Martian detainees in Grovemo, STOP  Signed Justice Hugo Black, United States Supreme Court”.

(LOUD CHEERS AND METALLIC HUMMING)

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, as we witness the inspiring sight of the mechano-men being freed from their terrible bondage here in Grovemo, we are also receiving reports of similar scenes across the country, from New York to California. As the mechano-men once again breathe the sweet air of freedom, and resume their swath-crushing, let us remember that Mars is a planet of peace. But let us also reflect on a particular irony: the will of the US war machine, impervious as it was to the death rays of the mechano-men, was slain by the lowest forms of life that God had put upon this earth... professors, reporters, senators, judges and actors.
Professor Pierson, may I ask one more question?

PROFESSOR PIERSON
Yes, I suppose so, Mr. Phillips.

CARL PHILLIPS
When you look at that mechano-man pile-driving that Kokomo Mogul 8, does it remind you of anything?

(MUSIC SWELLS UP AND OUT)