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In New York, Scrappy Local Newspaper Struggles For Survival

[ed. - Man, do I love the New York Times. Expecially when they give me an excuse to repost an old CNS column from 2003.]

New York, N.Y. - Like the corpses that lazily bob along in the nearby East River, life obeys its own pace in this isolated island community of 8 million in southern New York State.

It is an ancient pace, its cadence dictated by the steady whirr and click-a-clack of word processors, plied by the gnarled hands of skilled opinion craftsmen who once supplied nearly eighty percent of the world's refined punditry output.

To some ears, the din from the mighty opinion mills of this gritty Ink Belt town may be grating; but it has served as a siren call for generations of hungry immigrant OpEd workers.

Each year they come here, from Cambridge and Ithaca and New Haven, young and eager social critics seeking nothing more than an honest day's wage for an honest day's condescension, and perhaps a decent squab pate in white wine reduction.

For the newest generation of polemic workers, though, the promise of that simple Anti-American Dream seems ever more distant. Most of the mills have long fallen silent, tragic victims of cheap foreign radio talk shows and the growing monopoly of multinational corporate blogs.

Now, even the grandest of the old mills - the venerated New York Times 43rd Street Opinion Works - stands at risk. A recent spate of quality control problems, product recalls, management turmoil and a painful round of layoffs is leading many here to worry if the plant is destined to go the way of automats, five cent Cokes and international socialism.

A Family Affair

Like the fertile farms of Iowa and the lucrative protection rackets of New Jersey, New York's newspapers are a family enterprise. And, for the Times, that family is the Sulzbergers.

The family dynasty dates back to 1896, when financier Adolf Ochs purchased the struggling Times for $70,000. Defying his many skeptics, Ochs soon built the Times into a powerhouse. He introduced such innovations as the words 'esne' and 'ern,' which made possible the first crossword puzzle. In 1903 the Times published the first illustrated corset advertisement for Gimbles, creating an awkward sensation among 13-year old boys.

Under Ochs, the Times carefully honed a market niche as purveyor of progressive opinions to New York's growing upper class. Many well-heeled townsmen valued the paper's growing heft, which proved a useful tool for fending off pleading gutter urchins and ragged little match girls.

Ochs retired in 1927, passing control of the factory to son in-law Arthur H. Sulzberger. Under Sulzberger's leadership the Times branched out internationally, sending famed ace reporter Walter Duranty to the Soviet Union to chronicle the annual record wheat harvests from the Ukraine.

The elder Sulzberger remained at the helm from the New Deal through the New Frontier, a period in which the Times garnered praise for its growing professionalism and gravitas. Cartoons were dropped in 1954 in favor of columnist Anthony Lewis, a bold gambit at seriousness that was not detected by readers until 1961.

Control of the business passed to his son, Arthur O. "Punch" Sulzberger, in 1963. Some doubted whether the new scion would measure up to his legendary father and grandfather, but he quickly proved the skeptics wrong.

The tumultuous Sixties were an unprecedented period of growth for the business, as Sulzberger shrewdly positioned the Times to capitalize on the growing demand for liberal opinions.

"They really had a knack for listening to their customers," says Irwin Rothbard, professor of Marketing at New York University's Stern School of Business. "Before columnists would publish an OpEd, they would always carefully test market it at with a representative cross section of heroin junkies at Andy Warhol's Factory, or at one of Leonard Bernstein's weekly Black Panther Fondue & Twister parties."

By 1975 the Times was firmly established as the leading opinion manufacturer in the Northeast, earning plaudits for its bold 'Pentagon Papers' and 'Watergate' lines. Even an ill-fated Asian editorial joint venture with the Khmer Rouge was not enough to dull its market leadership, where it remained throughout the decade.

Generation Why

After 30 years of leading the Times, Sulzberger retired in 1993. After an exhaustive international search of candidates, the board of directors named as his replacement Arthur O. "Pinch" Sulzberger Jr.

"To the casual outside viewer, this might at first seem to have a whiff of nepotism, but nothing could be further from the truth," said Times spokesman Thomas Wilmot. "Pinch is not Punch. Pinch is his own man, honing his keen natural newspaper management instincts at some of the top tennis academies of Sarasota. Plus, we saved over $300 by not having to print new business cards and stationery."

Also denying charges of nepotism were corporate board members Jerome "Poke" Sulzberger, Norbert "Slap" Sulzberger, Richard "Thwack" Sulzberger, Leonard "Spank" Sulzberger, and Harriet "Wedgie" Sulzberger-Smith.

The younger Sulzberger quickly put his strategic imprimatur on the Times , hiring Howell Raines as head of the Editorial Division and Gerald Boyd as his second in command. Raines, a hard-charging Alabaman, was given his orders: increase productivity, by any means necessary.

"Howell really went postal on that," says one line worker who asked not to be identified. "He'd always be over your desk... it was always 'more! more! more! Flood The Zone, dammit!' but, man, there's only so many column inches you can squeeze out of a minor story about a golf club in Georgia."

Some workers say that the emphasis on productivity began to take a toll on morale. Worse yet the company began to experience inventory problems.

"We have so much editorial piling up on the dock, we have to put it somewhere," says a longtime foreman in the paste-up room. "So we started shoving it on the front page, just to get the boss off our backs. Plus, that OpEd stuff really starts to smell if it lays around too long."

Perhaps not coincidentally, the paper began losing its vaunted knack for opinion marketing. While it retains strong loyalty in its hometown, it essentially abandoned the more sophisticated opinion export market west of the Hudson River.

"It's not an easy time to be a company salesman," noted writer Chris Hedges. Delivering a commencement address at an Illinois college in May, Hedges was pelted with ripe tomatoes and cabbages after previewing the Times' new 'Bloodthirsty American Baby Killers' OpEd line.

Hard Times at the Times

Amid the mounting inventories and plummeting demand, nothing prepared the Times for the crushing quality control problems it experienced this spring. Long proud of its tradition of obsessive attention to detail and fact checking, a red-faced Times began the cathartic admission of myriad errors that threatened to overrun its allotted space on Page 2.

By May, the Times had introduced a new daily Section E for previous day corrections, followed by daily Section F, containing meta-corrections of previous day corrections. By the end of the month, it introduced daily Section G, containing open letters from Sean Penn.

Managers were shocked to discover that one worker, 26-year old Jayson Blair, was single handedly responsible for nearly 40% of the corrections reported from February through April, and some began to ask for an inquiry.

Descent Into the Maelstrom

However, in other quarters, there was trepidation. Being African-American, an inquiry into Blair's competence and honesty would likely create tensions on the Times' diverse shop floor. Secondly, Blair was virtually handpicked by Raines as a journalistic wunderkind.

"Everyone knew that Jayson was Howell's favorite and a really fantastic reporter," said one plant insider. "He was so dedicated that he would sometimes fly to France, Australia and Kentucky on the same day to get a good story."

"No wonder he had the stamina to pick up three doctorates by the time he was 16," she added.

Despite his glowing credentials and support from top management, Blair departed on May 1, the result of gross journalistic fraud, plagiarism, and failure to chip in for the office coffee fund.

Another Times writer, veteran correspondent Rick Bragg, was left soon afterwards when an investigation revealed that he was taking byline credit for the plagiarism and fraud of younger workers.

The Blair and Bragg departures sparked a great deal of grumbling among rank-and-file staffers, and some began openly questioning Raines judgment as plant editor.

To quell the growing labor unrest, Sulzberger, Raines, and Boyd called an emergency 'town meeting' for all workers, where they performed a motivational hand puppet show entitled 'Mikey the Moose and His Pals Say: Turn That Frown Upside Down!"

While some in the audience were held spellbound by Raines' and Boyd's dazzling puppetry and infectious singing, the damage was done. By June, they too were gone.

Picking Up the Pieces

In the face of low morale and plummeting demand, Sulzberger remains defiant, steadfastly insisting that increased production will, in fact, create more and more interest in the Times aging product line.

In an interview with Business Week earlier this week, he predicted that "just like the New Beetle, there is a huge retro-Sixties opinion craze out there, just waiting to happen."

Other proponents of management's "make the market" strategy include Bob Herbert, director of the Times ' sprawling Republican Lynch Mobs Are Coming To Get You facility, and Paul Krugman, general manager of the Times' gleaming new 1.2 million square foot Enron Scandaltorium Outlet Mall.

Like Krugman, many on the shop floor maintain a brave face against the specter of additional layoffs. Others, like longtime employee Maureen Dowd, seem to have given up hope.

Described by many as a "spinster with a heart of gold," the matronly Dowd has long been one of Sulzberger's staunchest loyalists. A fixture in the production floor, she has been a popular 'surrogate mom' for generation after generation of OpEd writers.

While her particular production skill - breezy schoolgirl political chat sprinkled with 1979 pop culture references - has long lost its usefulness, she remains ready to help others pundits should they ever need a childish nickname for a Bush administration official

But, as those who know her well explain it, something in Dowd recently changed. Whether it was the increasing pressure for ever-more extreme opinions, or her humiliating jilting at the hands of an elderly Hollywood lothario, co-workers say that Dowd has succumbed to the cheap comforts of ... ellipses.

"At first it was one or two ellipses in the morning before press, 'a little editorial pick-me-up,' you might say," said one co-pundit. "Hey, no big deal. I pop a few every now and then myself."

"Before long, though, she went on wild ellipsis benders - downing entire paragraphs, knocked senseless, completely blotto," he added. "We knew that she hat become a full-on dot head."

Somewhere Over the Raines-bow

Some here worry that mounting financial and production troubles will spell an end to the New York Times, and with it a way of life.  For many younger pundits, though, the idea of the hard and gritty work of the mills holds little appeal, even if the Times survives.

"To tell you the truth, I don't know if I want to end up like my old man - punching the clock down on 43rd, chained to an iMac, pushing out another 4000-word whine about tax cuts or Ariel Sharon or looting Baghdad's museums," says Ethan Moran, 19. "Pretty soon you're 50, and all you have to show for it is carpal tunnel syndrome, a permanent sneer and extensive wine vocabulary."

Moran looks out pensively at the cars whizzing by on the nearby interstate. He fixedly gazes on its undulations, how it vanishes on the horizon, a magical gray carpet carrying its passengers to magical distant lands with names like Dayton and Des Moines and Tulsa.

The talk turns to dreams.

"I want to get out of this boring town, go somewhere exciting," he says. "I want to see new things -Mormons, tractor supply companies, parking spaces. I want to see people wearing John Deere caps without grunge irony. I want to grab life, suck the marrow from its bones, and then wash it down with a Pabst Blue Ribbon."

It is an ambitious plan, but Moran may have no choice.

"My parents are probably going to kick me out of the apartment, anyway," he explains. "I'm outing my self as a Republican."

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    "pure brilliance"
  • Tim Blair, Sydney Telegraph (Australia)
    "As Sandy Roberts says: 'When you think of Bhutan, you think of archery.' And when you think of Vettes, Ferraris and Hemi-powered rods, you think of Iowahawk and his LA-bound nitroclan"
  • Elder of Zion
    "Ever-brilliant"
  • Cliff May, National Review
    "Iowahawk understands what Obama is saying"
  • Ed Driscoll
    "As Always, Life Imitates IowaHawk"
  • Western Standard (Canada)
    "Warning: Iowahawk's brand of humor may offend Canadian fascists"
  • The London Fog (Canada)
    "Thank you Iowahawk... Canada is not worthy"
  • euRabia (Czech Republic)
    Míváte také někdy "jeden z těch dní?"
  • Six Meat Buffet
    "ever-brilliant"
  • Instapundit
    "It's IowaHawk's world; Hillary is just living in it"
  • Juliette Ochieng, Baldilocks
    "Sage, I tells ya"
  • Departmento de Humanidades, Instituto Internacional de Ciencias Sociais (Brazil)
    "O mundo pos-moderno encontra Geoffrey Chaucer: Isto é o que acontece quando revivem os Contos de Canterbury em nossos tempos"
  • Gudmundson (Sweden)
    "Glimrande elaka Jenny Westerstrand kanske aspirerar på att bli en ny Iowahawk, vad vet jag. Bra satir är det hur som helst för lite av i bloggosfären"
  • The Great Satan
    "luckiest man alive"
  • Maggie's Farm
    "If Iowahawk ever calls, and says: Road trip!, never say no"
  • Michelle Malkin
    "You almost can’t parody this mess... but Iowahawk can and does so again brilliantly"
  • Rachel Lucas
    "evil genius"
  • Barcepundit (Spain)
    "Pure genius"
  • Jules Crittendon
    "as usual Iowahawk’s unrelenting, merciless and cruel mockery [is] clear evidence that even at this late date, the old gods yet walk among us and would toy with us"
  • Artblog
    "delivers the coup de grace"
  • Physics Geek
    "Good thing that Iowahawk exists: otherwise, we'd have to invent him"
  • Jeff Goldstein, Protein Wisdom
    "Funny? This dude wouldn't know funny if it sidled up next to him at a barn razing and stuck it's nipple in his ear. "-- But that doesn't mean he isn't earnest..."
  • Kilátás a karosszékből (Hungary)
    A sikerhez viszont az is kell, hogy David H. Petraeus tábornokot egy megfelelő stylistcsapat vegye a szárnyai alá, mert ahogy kinézett a kongresszusi meghallgatáson, az valami rettenetes – szól Matthew DeBord megsemmisítő ítélete. Én zokogtam...
  • Joseph Bottum, First Things
    "I’m on the board of a literary magazine at a small state university, and, at the board’s meeting this spring, the editor mentioned that he had wanted to reprint the blogger Iowahawk’s hilarious swipe at the archbishop of Canterbury... Unfortunately, the editor said, the magazine couldn’t do reprint it. The legal adviser from the university’s administration had said no—not on the grounds that it was offensive to Anglicans and their archbishop, but on the grounds that it mentioned Islam, and the school could receive bomb threats as a result of publishing it."
  • Michael Goldfarb, Weekly Standard
    "masterpiece"
  • Tim Blair
    "crazy bastard"
  • Andrew Bolt, Melbourne Herald Sun (Australia)
    "Great skills"
  • Michelle Malkin
    "brilliant"
  • Dr. Melissa Clouthier
    "Did I mention that I love Iowahawk? Because I do. He's such a manly blogger and I'd like to meet him because he' funny and has a rotten streak. I like men with a rotten streak."
  • Jakarta Blok M (Indonesia)
    "5 bintangs on the 'Revometer'"
  • CathCon
    "This is the funniest material I have ever read on the internet"
  • Matt Hayden (Australia)
    "Bloke's a comedy god, I reckon"
  • Amused Cynic
    "...should be put in the National Archives next to the Declaration of Independence in the special nuclear bomb-proof case... Funniest thing I’ve ever read"
  • Ruth Gledhill, Times of London (UK)
    "utterly brilliant"
  • Patrick O'Hannigan - The American Spectator
    "Brilliant"
  • Peter Breedveld, Frontaal Naakt (Netherlands)
    "Speciaal voor de aartsbisschop van Canterbury deze geheel vernieuwde politiekincorrecte versie van de Canterbury Tales van de Amerikaanse blogger Iowahawk. Vooral de fraaie strofe 'everybody muste get stoned' zal de eerwaarde sharia-supporter uit het hart gegrepen zijn"
  • Lone Star Times
    "Only a hotrod fanatic from the cornfields of Iowa could concoct such a literary masterpiece"
  • David Freddoso, National Review
    "Now this is funny... brilliant rendering"
  • Resurrection Song
    "Good Lord, that's nifty...may not be the coolest thing ever in the ‘sphere, but it must be close... read and marvel at the wonder"
  • Public Secrets
    "Sheer genius"
  • Scott Johnson, Power Line
    "Virtuoso"
  • Rachel Lucas
    "brilliant... Awesomeness"
  • Document.no (Norway)
    "Som alltid leverer Iowahawk varene, denne gangen i form av en oppgradering av Chaucer i anledning erkebiskop Rowan Williams' sharia-uttalelser. Dette må være det morsomste som hittil er publisert i blogosfæren"
  • Rod Dreher, Crunchy Con
    "inimitable... absolutely brilliant satire"
  • Melanie Philips, The Spectator (UK)
    "too good not to share"
  • Jules Crittenden, Boston Herald
    "Iowahawk needs to quit screwing around and just change his name to Geniushawk"
  • Midwest Conservative Journal
    "It's Iowahawk's world. He just lets the rest of us live in it"
  • National Association of Manufacturers
    "Widely respected feared"
  • Zürcher Presseverein (Switzerland)
    "Dies eine Schlagzeile der US-Stiftung «Media Violence Project». Die Journalisten die hinter diesem Projekt stehen, möchten die amerikanische Öffentlichkeit aufrütteln und die Massen bezüglich Gewalt gegen Journalistinnen und Journalisten sensibilisieren. Hier findet man diverse Plakate und Sujets der Stiftung."
  • Lone Star Times
    "Between cleaning carburetors and restoring classic American cars, Burge churns out some of the funniest and decisively deadly wit and commentary on the web... Write the Pulitzer Committee and demand Iowahawk should win"
  • Roger Kimball, Pajamas Media
    "inspired … I was going to say 'parody,' but really it is far too close to the original to be called a parody. Really, it is like the play Hamlet stages to 'catch the conscience of the King,' a dramatic re-enactment of the very crime Claudius had committed but had yet to acknowledge. It worked for Hamlet; will Iowahawk’s performance work for the rest of us? It is too early to tell. But ... it is more truthful, and far more amusing, than anything you’ll read in the [New York] Times."
  • Power Line
    "Iowahawk deserves a Pulitzer"
  • Sissy Willis
    "should be required reading for all students planning a 'career' in journalism"
  • National Review Media Blog
    "Hilarious"
  • Mark Steyn
    "Meticulous... one man investigative unit"
  • Ace, Ace of Spades HQ
    "Fucking brilliant... Well played, Iowahawk"
  • Mary Katherine Ham
    "Hands down the best damn roadkill-centric caucus coverage you'll read"
  • Wat Tyler, Burning Our Money (UK)
    "brilliant and scary insight"
  • Paul Kedrosky, Infectious Greed
    "I really don't know how best to summarize IowaHawk's you-are-there white-trash treatise... If you crossed Hunter Thompson and Michael Lewis, you might get something this angry and bizarre"
  • The McMuffins (UK)
    "Iowahawk and his lovely wife... did not appear to be the psychopathic stalking killers we had been warned about, although that Iowahawk did have a murderous look in his eyes and an unusual amount of froth coming from his mouth"
  • Washington Times
    "Objectively hilarious"
  • Ace, Ace of Spades HQ
    "trust Iowahawk to bring the funny"
  • Hugh Hewitt
    "My turn on the Iowahawk carving board."
  • Ryan Cochran, The Jalopy Journal
    "Good pal and loon"
  • Los Boulevardos
    "Facts: 1) I think blogs are gay. 2) That dude has a rad blog."
  • AutoBlog
    "a very cool blogger"
  • Boing Boing
    "Our pal"
  • The Intertubes
    "Iowahawk must be one of the awesomest pack-rats ever"
  • Hog on Ice
    "Might as well not exist"
  • chasovschik
    "Iowahawk представляет впечатляющую коллекцию антикварных сельскохозяйственных приборов"
  • The Sophistry
    "One of the best writers in the world."
  • בצל טוב (Good Onion - Israel)
    אמנם היה קיץ והזרימה חלשה יותר, וגם ההצקות של זבובוני החול זה לא משהו שאפשר להתעלם ממנו, אבל באמת היה סיור יפה (הרבה מחיאות כפיים, צעיר ערבי שהכרתי וגו’).
  • Karl Maher
    "Dave Burge can read the terrorists' minds!"
  • Instapundit
    "Iowahawk for President: he's got my vote!"
  • Hugh Hewitt
    "2008's Christopher Walken... bad news"
  • House of Dumb
    "Fortunately, there's always Iowahawk to give us that 'last cigarette in front of the firing squad' feeling"
  • Adam Smith Institute (UK)
    "Tom Lehrer was wrong, satire is not dead yet."
  • Procurando Vagas
    "Todo ano o site Iowahawk promove um concurso bem diferente, o Miss Presidiária, onde você escolhe a condenada mais bonita dos EUA do ano... Mais vamos ajudar a patricinha e dar uma força, porque ela merece"
  • EU Referendum
    "superlative... wonderfully funny"
  • Panikowsky
    "А вот сатирическая издевка по мотивам..."
  • Balagan
    "Le blog américain Iowahawk, qui traite l'actualité par la dérision, a transposé les évènements du Moyen Orient dans le Midwest américain en jouant sur le fait que Mideast veut dire Moyen Orient"
  • Power Line
    "Amazing"
  • Zombie (ZombieTime)
    "Iowahawk is the most underpaid man in America"
  • Manolo (Manolo's Shoe Blog)
    "You are indeed super fantastic!"
  • Little Miss Attila
    "Iowahawk's the kind of guy you'd want to run into in that alternate universe. You know: the one in which no one is married, and the bars stay open all night"
  • Robert Spencer (Jihad Watch)
    "marvelously dead-on"
  • Banzai Aphrodite
    "Iowahawk reminds me why I love blogs"
  • Dan Collins (Protein Wisdom)
    "I pretty much suck Iowahawk's d***"
  • Free Counterpoint
    "This man is brilliant."
  • Lawrence Henry, American Spectator
    "The Internet humor champ"
  • Blacklake (Hot Air Comments)
    "I’d say Iowahawk was a genius, but geniuses aren’t generally very clever. Plus, studies have shown that nine out of ten have no idea how to clean a carb. So, statistically speaking, his geniushood is unlikely."
  • Michael Malone (ABC News 'Silicon Insider')
    "The great Web satirist"
  • Deep Thought Blog
    "Possibly the funniest blogger on Earth"
  • The Weekly Standard
    "Fantastic and profane parody"
  • Jonah Goldberg (National Review Online)
    "Very Funny... Much profanity, natch"
  • State 29
    "The King of all Insightful Vulgarness"
  • Gerard Van der Leun (Pajamas Media)
    "The Master of Disaster... Where else on the web can you channel-surf the spirits of Mark Twain and Big Daddy Roth on the same page?"
  • Dean Barnett (HughHewitt.com)
    "The reigning comic genius of the blogosphere"
  • James Taranto (Wall St Journal's Best of the Web)
    "the best way to respond to this sort of thing is with mockery, as blogger Iowahawk... devastatingly does"
  • Right Wing Bob
    "Iowahawk remains probably the most versatile purveyor of America - boosting depravity on the scene today"
  • Daily Kos commentors
    "The new McCarthyism... F***ing pr***. Now go cry to momma" ... “just punch the stupid f***er out"..."shut [his] f***ing mouth while I'm pummelling him"..."me & my brick in a dark alley"... "sharpen your knives"... "“maybe [he] will consider the possibility of getting a shot in the teeth”
  • Dr. Melissa Clouthier
    "Most bloggers would lose a bar room brawl. There are exceptions."
  • Rand Simberg (Transterrestrial Musings)
    "Next time Iowahawk beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It's like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats."
  • Blog Québécois
    "If Iowahawk ever decides to turn his guns on you, accept your beating with good grace and a rueful chuckle. If you try to fight back, it only gets funnier."
  • Roger Kimball (The New Criterion)
    "The excellent weblog IowaHawk summarized some of the thoughts I had... I must also laud David Burge of IowaHawk for his gritty pragmatism. He is no armchair crusader, full of empty imprecations."
  • Michelle Malkin
    "Iowahawk brings the funny"
  • Blackfive
    "This pipe-smokin' assassin is the pure ass heat"
  • James Waterton (Samizdata)
    "bloody magnificent... Is there a Nobel prize for comedy? If not, we damn well need one"
  • Mark Steyn
    "I take my hat off. This belongs to a very select group of Jokes I Wish I'd Thought Of First: 'It's that time of year when we honor the ultimate MILF: Mother Earth'"
  • Jim Treacher
    "I don't LIKE you. I LOVE you. In a GAY way."
  • Bill Whittle
    "I've met him, you know -- Iowahawk. 6'7" he is, arms like mighty oak trees, legs like even mightier oak trees: clear grey eyes looking to the far horizon, his lantern jaw set against the approaching storm but yet with a slight hint of a distant smile bourne of many combats won and mortal enemies vanquished. I stood speechless in his presence at a restaurant in Marina del Rey --- just speechless, weeping silently at the sheer magnetism and force of personality coming off the man in seismic waves; a transcendental, religious experience that kept me awake for a week, as if I had seen the heavens split open in a blaze of orange and purple glory, and all of God's Great Plan revealed. And when he finally did speak, it was the sound of distant thunder echoing off ancient mountains, a sound that predates mankind's puny schreeching -- a sound that, indeed, is antecedent to the founding of Life on Earth and comes carried through the ether on the shock wave of ancient dying stars. And though he only spoke twelve words during the four hours I stood in his presence, those words are with me still, a perfect dozen seared into my memory, written in gold across the great hall of my mind. He said, 'HEY, CAN YOU GET THIS ONE? I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME.'"
  • Spongeworthy
    "But no shit, Iowahawk might get up tomorrow, get baked, grab his beautiful wife and ride his moped backwards to a Hells Angel rally, then drink himself into oblivion and fight about 7 crank dealers from the Racine chapter of the Death Jokers all by himself. Then maybe he'd go home, romance the beautiful wife, build a perfect retro treehouse for his perfect kids, drink a bottle of tequila, prepare a 3-course meal while beating away a push-in home invader and sacrificing him on a makeshift, though historically accurate, Inca altar he built in the woods behind the railroad tracks. Then he'd sit down and knock out a tremedously insulting Leftist parody that pissed off thread after thread of Kos and DU lunatics, romance the bride once again and fall asleep chuckling. It's like he's Paul Bunyan and Mark Twain rolled up into one hipster"
  • Allahpundit
    "profane... bloodthirsty... hilarious"
  • Patterico
    "...the guy is a comic genius"
  • Thomas Lifson (The American Thinker)
    "Now more than ever. America needs Iowahawk"
  • Tim Blair
    "...more cool than is healthy for any human... he is from deep space"
  • Charles Johnson (Little Green Footballs)
    "Iowahawk is some kinda damn genius"
  • Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit)
    "All I can say to IowaHawk is, 'We're not worthy'"