Odds and Ends

Redneck Haiku Redux

"Hey Hawk," asks reader Sean S., "how about some more Redneck Haiku?" Okie doke, Sean, if you'll allow me a whiney little backstory on intellectual property. If not, skip directly to the 'ku.

A few years back Lawrence Henry of the American Spectator was editor of the late lamented Spintech Magazine Literary Supplement, and asked me to supply him some filler for an upcoming issue. I was stumped for ideas, and asked him for suggestions. "I dunno," he says, "how about some redneck haiku?"  So I slapped a few together, and they appeared in the October '99 issue of SMLS (via the Wayback Machine). In honesty I probably got five times more email about that stupid thing than any other thing I've ever written; two or three small publishers eventually contacted me about doing a quick novelty book. In hopes of making a buck I started cranking more out, but started getting frustrated when I found out my originals were circulating hundreds of internet BBS forums -- picking up dozens of new "authors" along the way. My true sskrewwwit moment came after I started getting email from people complaining my '99 article retroactively plagiarized their 2001 message board postings. One enterprising gal eventual turned my -- well, okay, Lawrence Henry's -- idea into a book. Aaaaargh. Time heals all, they say, and so I'm finally getting over my Z-list humorist pique. I recently rummaged through my hard drive and located some of the haiku I was prepping for the book, and I'll be posting them on occasion.

ENIGMA

Rusty Paradox
Half Camaro, half Trans-Am
Yet it does not run

MYTHOLOGY

In ancient legend
Once lived singing fish much like
Big Mouth Billy Bass

SEDUCTION

Impassioned lovers
Probing erotic limits
In Hardees drive thru

CHOICES

Jax, Falstaff, Lone Star?
I ponder cooler specials
Ahh, Pearl $1.99

WINTER DANCE

Whirling, spinning, free
S-10 skates playful circles
On parking lot ice

IT HAPPENED AT STOP 'N' GO

Burning agony
Dale got his rattail stuck in
Hot weenie roller

CONDITIONS

Mustang decal reads:
Attention! Ass, Grass or Gas
Nobody Rides Free

IMPRISONED HEARTS

Tammy excites Wayne
With edible panties at
Conjugal visit

SPARK OF GENIUS

Carl made backyard pool
From old pickup bedliner
Wisht I thought of that

CUCKOLDED

Her ultimatum:
You ain't spendin' my money
On no damn race car

Earn Big Money - The Iambic Pentameter Way!

Speaking of poetry, Adam Cohen from Winning Writers has asked me to remind you all about their annual Wergle Flomp Poetry Contest, with a $1190 first prize! Basic concept: submit your very best bad poetry to  an actual vanity poetry contest, and c.c. the Wergle Flomp folks. Fun galore, and a chance at a nice wad of dough.

Your Carporn of the Week

Think your SUV is nice? Take a gander at this subtle '56 Nomad custom (another creation of our ol' pal Cole Foster)  and now tell me you don't want to drive that behemoth schlock wagon of yours off to the crusher. I've always had a soft spot for Nomads (and their sister model, the Pontiac Safari), and thought the '56 was the best of the Chebby "tri-fives."

Not that I have anything against gas guzzlers, mind you. Consider the fuel bill for this radical '48 Buick lead sled -- pictured, appropriately enough, at the pump during the annual monster rod & custom fest in Paso Robles, CA. But if you had this car, why would you give a shit about $3/gallon premium? You'd have this car.

Coming Attractions

I've had a couple of distraction this week and haven't been able to finish a couple of blogging items I was working on. I will be releasing another installment of Chutch soon, as well as the latest success tips for  Bloggonetrix™. Ciao for now.

Comments

[The Big Sister (who's 5'4")]

OLFACTORY SENSES

Your underwear stinks
'Cause the washing machine's broke
Rinse 'em out again

[rpongett]

ALLOCATION

F-350's broke
Borrowed workin' axle
from under my house

RHYTHMS

used both feet to
tap out Kiss Alive II on
cop car plexiglass

DISCOVERY

Whoever knew that
You could fix a punctured
lung hole with Funyons

PLATEAUS

Will mankind ever
Again create great minds like
Udo Dirkshneider?

[Ward Cleaver]

Great haiku, man. I promise not to plaigerize it, I'll just link to this page. I dig street rods, too.

Looking forward to another episode of "Chutch". Think you can work in a connection to the ABC series "Longstreet"? Or maybe "Baretta"? Or maybe a time trvel episode with "Alias Smith and Jones"?

[Ceci]

Speaking of cars Iowahawk, did you notice the story this week about one of the Cubans who tried to come to America in a floating Chevy truck and later a floating Buick? He and his wife and son got permission to travel through some Central American countries, and they finally took a taxi from Mexico to Brownsville, Texas. He wants to build a replica of his seagoing Chevy.

[iowahawk]

Note that the Nomad, like its contemporaries the Pontiac Safari and the Ford Ranch Wagon, had two doors -- a feature that Detroit/Tokyo/Dusseldorf are genetically incapable of producing today. Instead we get "sport touring sedans," or, my favorite, the ever-popular "four door coupe."

[cirby]

I've been predicting the return of the full-sized station wagon for a couple of years now. People don't really want SUVs. They want something they can haul the kids around in, while still carrying a week's worth of groceries in the back.

The boomers didn't want wagons because that was what their parents drove, but the younger folks (the ones with money) like big wagons because they're "retro."

[SRHCB]

56 Nomad:

Had one in about 70. Metallic Flourecto Green with 64 T'Bolt style hood bulge, tube grill, American mags and 327 4spd. Got it, along with some cash, in trade for a 57 Vette. Sold it to my cousin, bought a 63 Avanti.

As best I can recall anyway.

SB

[spongeworthy@home]

I've almost got this one fixed:

Where's Lil' Kyle Got To?

Bad smell from the porch
Busted chest freezer out there
Boy ain't at his Mom's.

[Chevy Rose]

Dale and his mishap at Stop and Go, is my first chuckle of the day. Thanks