The UN: Bringing Lingonberries to a Needy World

Iowahawk Special Commentary
by Ůmläut Ťïldëqvist
United Nations Co-Underemissary For International Aid Coordination, Assessment, and Assessment Coordination

UN Assessment team in action

In my native village of Fnærkjbørgěn, there is a beautiful old saying: "Lars dus kronchke issegløğg svtarkæn; bürngva ø ikea vnøongve lingenbjěrgnø ü läkramø møertäwiffe." In translation, this is to say: "Lars has been crushed by the glacier; prepare a gift of lingonberries for his lamenting widow."

In this selfish world which so often seems dominated by various stingy undertaxed global military hyperpowers, I am proud to say that the United Nations still adheres to the simple, elegant wisdom of my snowy Fnærkjbørgěner townfolk: where ever and whenever tragedy strikes, the world can count on the UN to bring the lingonberries of hope.

Nowhere is this more evident than in tsunami-ravaged South Asia. Today, less than three weeks after global warming triggered the fearsome ocean waves that devastated the region, the needy victims are experiencing another tsunami. This time time, however, it is a happy tsnunami! The life-saving tsunami of United Nations coordination and assessment.

Working in conjunction with important non-government organizations, the United Nations sprang to action early. A high-level, 2000-member cross-functional rapid action force was dispatched to the affected region, as soon as UN travel staff could locate available airline seat upgrades. Upon arrival in South Asia, the action teams were soon busily hailing cabs and jitneys in order to quickly deploy to strategically-located hotels and resorts. After a quick nap, a brisk dip in the pool, and light lunch, the UN action teams were soon en route to areas near affected areas to begin the hard work of leading, coordinating, and assessing. Later, some local cabaret.

The impact of these efforts has been significant, and the UN teams have made many important progress reports to the UN Relief Council's coordinating leadership subcommittee. Their work is ongoing, but I am delighted to report they have achieved several milestone objectives. Highlights include:

• Under the leadership aegis of UNSNoRF Undersecretary Ralfke Bjarnerubbel, the executive steering committee has voted on a draft resolution to create coordination protocols between interagency observers. 
• UNKGooBR and UNsNOT task force staff have organized response evaluation schemas for situational aid coordination, and assessed hotel minibar inventories.
• Room upgrades have been requested.
• The Ad Hoc Cultural Affairs subcommittee - comprised of UNLURm, UNCHiPs, UNeCCo, UNCOLA, and UNFuN - have produced a detailed proposal to produce judging guidelines for UN Tsunami Idol, a proposed regional Cultural Arts Festival.
• UNCLoDZ Deputy Secretary Manjiz al-Khaline has coordinated with various Indonesian NGOs to formulate plans to monitor, report, and counteract possible invasion by colonialist Zionist forces.
• Committee of the Whole has issued unanimous advisory warnings to illegally parked U.S. and Australian aircraft carriers, hospital ships, and helicopters.

An impressive list of accomplishments to be sure; yet, there is much work to do. Despite the many successes of our teams, I am sad to report that the region still faces many dangerous shortages. In particular, UN staff have indicated that there are immediate critical needs for Toyota Land Cruisers, Kaluha, and sun block. In addition, UNPoRm liaison Jurgen Bergengnergen has also requested emergency cash aid to distribute to local needy doe-eyed youth, along with reproductive health materials.

It will take many such 'lingonberries' for the UN to complete its important mission. Unfortunately there are many unscrupulous organizations who seek to supplant the United Nations' important efforts in the region, and have even actively ignored UN coordination directives. It is important that international citizens do not support these rogue forces. In addition to the governments of the United States and Australia, this list includes:

• The American Red Cross
• World Vision USA
• Care
• Catholic Relief Services
• The Australian Red Cross
• World Vision Australia

Above all, please do not visit unapproved rogue sites, such as Arthur Chrenkoff and Diplomad, and do not learn more about other rogue non-UN-coordinated charity organizations.

In conclusion, I will leave you with the story of little Pramablap, an indigenous urchin boy who approached the UN action team during late afternoon cocktails.

"Thank you, thank you, mister helping UN-sans!" he remarked. "Without your assessment and coordination activities, we will surely be be at the mercy of uncoordinated violent colonialist Yankee-san GIs!"

Do you want Pramablap beaten? I did not think so.

To Pramablap and other needy children, I would like to reassure you with another old saying from my village of Fnærkjbørgěn: Dürs ø kronchketimmen, gæ UN issět bløğb behindæn -- if there is a disaster, the UN is surely around.

Comments

[josil]

you may sneer at the efforts of the UN but i didn't see any Australian or US volunteers offering to provide tsunami survivors with even a minimal daily ration of lingonberries.

[Mastiff]

You forgot the part where the UN organizes the survivors into permanent refugee camps...

Otherwise, well done Maestro!

[29]

UNCHiPS, UNCOLA.... I am in pain with laughter!

[SSG Pooh]

UNReal.

Kudos.

[tipper]

Geez, you just had to add that picture, didn't you?

[Abstractmom]

Perhaps had the UN offered a few pancakes with the lingonberries...just a thought?

[iowahawk]

Mmm, pancakes. Abstract mom is hot.

[Sticky B]

After having read Diplomad over the last couple of days, I'm having a hard time distinguishing between his first hand accounts, and your attempt at parody. The line is just to fucking fine. In the UN, I believe we've found something to rediculous to poke fun at.

[KR]

Wonderful, but did you have to mention a Hall-of-Famer that way?

[Jared]

I think I just wet myself.

I have to be mighty careful not to read your stuff when I'm in the office. My heavens....

[profligatewaste]

And don't forget the contributions of UNFUBAR.

[OC Chuck]

Fnærkjbørgěn

That's easy for you to say.

[Dee Bates]

I'm an avid reader of The Diplomad. This article is close to what we would be reading in the paper and seeing on the evening news -- if we had any newsmen left.

Luv the pic.

[Dee Bates]

I'm an avid reader of The Diplomad. This article is close to what we would be reading in the paper and seeing on the evening news -- if we had any newsmen left.

Luv the pic.

[Carridine]

Diplomad relates spasto-reality in a way redolent of IowaHawk's quasi-egregious mind-gnarlies!

Kudos!

[A.R.Yngve]

You must try lingonberry jam on fried black pudding, ja? It's a traditional Swedish dish.

-A.R.Yngve

"Fnærkjbørgěn"? That is easy to say, ja? Try saying "Hvørbjemøøsepang" ("moose-hunt season")... now that's difficult.

[Ray]

What about the lutefisk? Or was that used up in the oil for something resembling food program?

[Mongo]

Magnificent...

LOL ROLF

If it wasn't so near to the truth...

[Jurgen]

Vas ist das Manjiz?

[Voted for Nixon]

Will the starving victims know what to do with what the U. N. has wrought? Has anybody contacted the Swedish American Museum in Swedesburg, IA for a list of lutefisk and lingonberry receipes? If the Museum does not have the material, the kitchen of the nearby Lutheran church will.