We Are Still Revolting, Dude

[ed. - I am still hungover from last week's Inaugural parties, so I am temporarily handing over blogging duties to my younger brother Keanu. A eighth-year sophomore in Journalism at Enormous State U., his opinions have previously appeared here and here. Please let me remind readers that you can't pick your family.]

Special Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Keanu Burge
Campus Columnist for the ESU Daily State Appropriation

It's time for us in the campus reality-based community to sit down, look in the mirror, and soberly face the cold, hard facts: if we don't start getting serious and come up with some more effective protest strategies, it literally may be months before we end the nightmare of the ChimpHitler's Reign of Error.

Case in point: while several thousand campus sheeple herded to the weekly  ESU Nuremburg Pep Rally/basketball game last week, only 40 of us had the courage to join the ESU Caravan For Global Sanity -- our student grassroots roadtrip to D.C. to protest  *'s i llegal corporate coronation.

Frankly, I can't remember when I have been more embarrassed by this university. Despite pledges of participation points from over 20 sections of Critical Lit and free vegan box lunch from the ESU chapter International ANSWER, our faculty advisor Dr. Harmon was forced to cancel nine buses we had reserved for the trip. This country is on the cusp of building concentration camps, and apparently all ESU can say is "sorry dude, I'm too busy to protest the AWOL Fascist-in-Thief, we're in a three-way tie for second in conference." Man, you people make me sick.

Well, let me tell you a little story, folks. Although we lacked numbers, we made a difference in DC. Through our voices and chanting and snowballs, we put Smirky and his wingnut regime on notice that we will not sit back and let them silence our voices, nor our snowballs. We have started a people's revolt, and our revolt will continue until Craptain aW*ol and his Halliburton gangsters are driven from power. And you know what else? Dr. Harmon says we are all getting A's in Critical Lit.

So let's get something straight, Mister Black and Gold Fascist  Face Paint So You Can Get In An ESPN2 Camera Shot Waving At Your Brownshirt Frat Bros Who Are Slamming Pitchers At O.J. McChuggers SportsBar With Their Hot Stupid Sorority Girlfriends: no matter how many dollar Bud Lites you guzzle, you will never stop the people's revolt. Because we are still revolting.   

We are still revolting because we will not allow another election to be stolen. Don't think Karl Rove and Team Repiglican scripted the outcome? Then you tell me: how exactly did Shrubby "win" Oklahoma, despite scientific exit polls there that showed him trailing both Kerry and Nader? Wake up man, our "democracy" was co-opted. Nowhere was this more evident than in Ohio, where widely-reported GOP firehoses and attack dogs kept Cleveland voter turnout to 91%, 15 points below normal and more than 40 points lower than in similar-sized Milwaukee. Ask your stats T.A. to explain that one. 

We are still revolting because we are standing up to Chimpy's faux "mandate." Even with voter intimidation and millions of his manufactured Jesusland votes, * could barely manage a 51% "majority." In basketball, I believe that's called a "squeekie," and Kerry could have almost sent it to overtime with a late three pointer. Starting today, we are going to stand up to Chimpy the Cheerleader and his Phi Gamma Exxon pals, and let them know that their stolen "victory" is not a free pass to storm the Supreme basketball Court and cut down our Constitutional nets.

We are still revolting because we are not going to be drafted into the pResidunce's imperi-oil war machine. I hate to say I told you so, but I warned you people last semester: Rumsfeld and his Penta-cons have a secret plan to reinstate the draft. Let's face it, with all those gullible volunteer rednecks dying daily over in "Mission Accomplished," they'd like nothing better than to round up draft objectors and unwilling campus intellectuals and send us kicking and screaming over to fight their imperial Enron adventure. Nice try, Wolfowitz. Too bad for you, because we have already begun installing anti-CIA spyware in the Comp Center PC lab, and Professor Harmon is setting up an Underground Railroad with the University of Toronto.

We are still revolting because our rights are eroding. Think you have Free Speech in this country? Well, think again. When the ESU Caravan for Global Sanity arrived in Washington, the DC pigs confiscated our Cheney effigy head, calling it "a security problem," and then told Professor Harmon we couldn't wear ski masks and march next to the Marine band. Then, on the bus ride back to campus, Busdriver McHitler made Jared turn down Radiohead on his boombox. Finally, when we got back to ESU, we found out the deposit on the cancelled buses was non-refundable, so we had to dip into $900 of our mandatory student fee budget. What next, man? Gas showers?

We are still revolting because we support the troops. Oh, sure, yeah, the chickenhawks say they really "support the troops." Exactly like the armchair athletes at the Alpha Sig house "support" the ESU basketball team -- just win dude, nobody cares if you drive a free Hummer and torture prisoners over at the basketball dorm. But as we in the peace community say, "support the troops - bring them home." Only then can we begin supporting the troops through the hard process of healing, and war crime trials. Afterwards, we must stand behind the troops with intense psychological counseling as they pick up the pieces of their tragically shattered lives.

We are still revolting because someone needs to be the voice of sanity in AmeriKKKa. It's time someone else on this campus besides the faculty learns the ugly truth: with every passing day under BushCo, this country creeps farther and farther beyond the ragged edge of mass political madness, into a sickening extremist mobius strip Texas twilight zone of fat, hydra-headed oilmen electrocuting the innocent while money-green puke gushes from their eye sockets across a basketball court covered in Eggo toaster waffles. Until the rest of you awake from your sheeple dream to the reality of this nightmare, we in the campus reality-based resistance will be like the courageous European boy Hans Brinker -- putting our finger in the eroding dyke of Human Rights and shouting out to the world that the Chimperor has no clothes.

Remember, the truth is out there if you want it. And please remember to circle "Global Sanity" on your Spring Semester mandatory student fee cards.

Comments

[Yehudit]

The scary thing is that the commenters at No War Blog sound exactly like that.
http://www.nowarblog.org/

[Adrian]

If I didn't know better, I would believe you had gone over to the other side. A perfect parody of lefty-speak.

[Doug Stewart]

You must, MUST, I say, submit that to some campus paper. It's so spot-on it's not even funny (okay, well it is funny, but still) and I think it could end up as another trophy hanging on the Iowahawk Wall of Fame.

Heck, if the Chinese gov't can think The Onion is a real news source, then how much easier would it be to slip a fast one by a school news paper?

[DaMav]

Another home run IowaHawk. You are one of the funniest writers around right now, from the obvious lampoon of Enourmous U buffoonery to the subtle finger in the "dyke" lurking in the last paragraph.

Awesome stuff, designed to bring tears of laughter. I agree, some rascal should post it at DU or Common Dreams where it would receive kudos for "speaking out against the * Evil Empire".

[Jack Linard]

Dear Mr Hawk (or may I call you Iowa),

There is at least one Canadian who thinks that you are the funniest, most succinct and eclectic blog person of the modern era.

jlchydro

[Joe Bonforte]

I can't believe it! Iowahawk, committing plagiary!! It's totally obvious that this was cut and pasted from DemocraticUnderground.com!

For shame!

[Didsbury]

I liked the backhanded slam against DailyKos, and the "reality based community." Finally gave up on that site. They have no positive agenda, just more of putting the stick in the wheel. You can't reason with folks there, and yesterday, they crossed the line into photo propaganda. Sad.

But alas, Iowahawk, someone with a sense of humor. Great satire. Keep it comin'!

[TZ]

Genius

[fluke_boy]

brilliant!

[ronaldusmagnus]

Can you imagine me on a college campus today?
I'd be clearing brush all right...

1. clear and gather brush;
2. make big honkin' pile at campus Free Speech plaza;
3. sprinkle liberally with members of the reality-based community and their pablum feeders;
4. light match;
5. make pitcher of martinis;
6. call girls over at Delta Wamma Bimbo.

[J. Peden]

I'm trying to think of something witty to say, but I think I just done been steamrolled better'n Racheal Corrie! "Yeah, Vern, he was steamrolled good, real good."

Maybe you could sneak it into campus papers as a reply to Horowitz's "Ten Reasons", especially since there has been no such reply to date.

[Pastorius]

Hi Iowahawk,
Screming Memes has been doing this kind of work for months now. You are a better writer, but, if anyone likes this piece, they might also want to check out www.screamingmemes.blogspot.com.

Andrew Sullivan wrote about the Screaming Memes blog back in November, calling it "Brilliant".

http://www.andrewsullivan.com/index.php?dish_inc=archives/2004_11_07_dish_archive.html#110023467155010253

Have a great day,
Pastorius

[Skeptic]

It's true, they are still revolting. I'm more and more revolted by them every day! ;)

[jeff]

Good strategy. Is Boxer's public crack-up part of the Master Plan?

[RichinJapan]

We are still revolting.... Is that like people who claim to be nauseous? Most excellant parody. Thanks.

[PostModernAtor]

Good post, Mr Keanu Dude - I think you see "is" as what it IS.

We need a new epistemology in this KKKountry...Keanu showed that the difficulty IS in the text. How many realities can you stand?

Can you take a stand?

Am I still standing?

Are my pants on?

[Assistant Village Idiot]

I think I know that guy...

[bongo]

"Reality based community."

I love the fact that you've picked up on this onanistic trope of the Left.

Indeed. Pure genius Mr. Iowahawk.

[jeff]

Speak Truth to Power, baby. I especially liked the part about the Hot Sorority Girlfriends.

[Sean]

So True. No one would blink an eye if this was in a college newspaper

[Pixy Misa]

Yehudit, I visited No War Blog. Wow, that's some really weapons-grade stupid they've got going there.

[mezzrow]

Highly recommended exercise - take this page and run it through the Dialectizer (set to Elmer Fudd) and read it back to yourself. Huhuhuhuuhuh! Gives you perspective, too. Iowahawk should get a McArthur grant.

http://rinkworks.com/dialect/dialectp.cgi?dialect=fudd&url=http%3A%2F%2Fiowahawk.typepad.com%2Fiowahawk%2F2005%2F01%2Fwe_are_still_re_1.html