It Is Finally Time To Exit The Oldsmobile

Iowahawk Guest Commentary by Senator Edward M. Kennedy

Like all Americans, I had high hopes for the future of the Oldsmobile and its passengers, as we struggle against the onrushing water and its poorly-designed shoulder belts. But as claustrophobia sets in we must begin to sober up and face the truth: hope is no longer an option.

It is time for us to recognize that our continued presence in this volatile region is a hinderance to the Oldsmobile and its people. Rather than helping the situation we are further weighing down the Oldsmobile, causing it to sink faster and faster into the quagmire of Chappaquidick Bay, creating a dangerous situation for both ourselves as well as its passengers who are desperately seeking an air pocket in which to start a better life.

That is why I believe we have reached the point where we must take a deep breath and immediately depart the Oldsmobile. We must seek through the watery darkness and release the belt latch of madness that has kept us here, and reach out for a sane and honorable window crank.

Obviously there will be passengers in the Oldsmobile who do not want us to leave, and will likely try to grasp and grab at our feet as we depart. While we wish them success, it is critical that these passengers quickly learn independence and self-determination. The most effective way to teach them is through example, and with a vigorous kick-off. Let us hope they will cherish our shoes as a lasting legacy of our commitment to liberty.

And, after we return to the safety of the American shore and phone our lawyer, we must begin to ask the hard questions. How did we get here? The sad answer is that we were sold a lie by Gene Quinlan of Hyannisport Oldsmobile-Buick-GMC. We were told that this Oldsmobile had the Delta 88 Royale option package with 6-way electric seats. We were told that they were sold out of the new '69 Toronado. We were given a choice of a burgundy vinyl roof, but never given an exit strategy. We were told, repeatedly, that the Oldsmobile was waterproof and had an automatic pilot system.  In short, Gene Quinlan sold us a lie.

There will be ample time for us to reflect on the mistakes and lies of the Oldsmobile misadventure, and hold those who were responsible to account. But that is for another day. Now we must focus our energy on getting out before it is too late.

Come home, America. Come home.

Comments

[Big Al]

Nice of you to give Dave a break and adorn his site with your insightful musings. Bravo.

Now if I ever see you in Ohio, I'll choke you, gut you, and fashion you into a pretty swanky golf bag travel cover. I mean your huge cranium would be perfect for my Titleist K Driver and fairway wood. I'm sure your rich leathery skin would take to the mink oil treatment and Cordovan polish like a duck to water. I could clean my grips by sticking them up your ass. (the alcohol content would allow them to dry instantly) Speaking of alcohol, I've heard it said that your body can hold up to 18 liters of the stuff which would come in mighty handy on those Pinehurst trips. And don't forget your built-in possibles bag with room enough for my lucky tee and one ball marker.

Again, nice to hear from you Ted. Keep up the good work.

[Casey]

this is totally preposterous. general motors would never sell a vehicle to a man who was kicked out of prep school for cheating, or a man whose father was the biggest bootlegger on the eastern seaboard.

[sj]

this remindes me of the remark that like the original story, the kennedy's camelot ended with the lady of the lake.

[HT]

Since we're reminiscing...this reminds me of the Oliphaunt cartoon with Teddy K. behind the wheel of a big sedan, and a diminutive Jimmy Carter sitting in the back seat. In scuba gear.

[Adrian]

Ouch. Brutal.

When is this blowhard going to be arrested for sedition?

[skinbad]

My high school/college car was a '69 Delta 88. It had a 455 Rocket and no vinyl left on the roof. When it rained, you couldn't have got much wetter with no top at all (or if you drove it off a bridge into a river). With no posts between the front and back windows, you could get a sheet of plywood home if you had 3 other numbnuts to hold it up with their heads. I think I'll go cry now.

[Bob]

You might remember that aiding and comforting the enemy is a trick Sen. Ted learned from Papa, the U.S. Ambassador to England in the '30s and great admirer of der Fuehrer.

[King of Fools]

Ouch. (He'd better put some ice on that...it's gotta hurt.)

[Harry]

Bulls Eye.

Will you please explain how in the world your mind comes up with ideas like this?

[A.R.Yngve]

Ouch! That was wicked, Iowahawk. Wicked funny.

You know, someday someone, somewhere, will stage CHAPPAQUIDDICK: THE MUSICAL.

(Sung to the tune of "Let It Snow! Let It Snow!")
"Well, my liver's in whiskey swimming
and it looks like the road is dimming
but I feel like taking a dive,
Let me drive! Let me drive! Let me drive!"

(Iowahawk made me do it!)

-A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[snuzzagator]

Respect the facts please.
Teddy was driving a 1967 Delmont 88 four door sedan, a somewhat cheaper Olds than the one the big dogs drove --the Delta 88.
He did something worse than getting kicked out of prep school for cheating. IT WAS HARVARD!

[Patrick]

That may be the funniest fucking thing I've ever read, right next to Goldstein's "a suit made from Jackie Mason and trimmed with the ass hair of Woody Allen".

[michelle]

Ouch!

Even more cutting than usual. The imagery is so vivid. The slaughter that would follow if we up and deserted Iraq would rival what happened in Vietnam. And the MSM & LLL would have another "victory" to their name.

PJ O'Roarke (sp?) in one of his books said people think liberals are harmless, just wander around and get their long hair tangled in wind chimes is all. But they aren't. They are dangerous. They would abandon a struggling people to slaughter and tyrrany and celebrate!

Wow, I'm really ticked off now. But I guess that is a sign of a job well done. Get the point across, illuminate the truth of who and what Kennedy and his fellow travelers are.

[j. marquis]

Would this be the 200 billion dollar deluxe Oldsmobile?

[Andy]

Brilliant analogy.

Sometimes I wish I had your brain.

[LP]

Or, as the National Lampoon cover from many years ago said, " If he'd driven a volkswagon, Ted Kennedy would have been president some day"

[John]

Like a diamond kidney stone, your analysis is both brilliant and harsh.

[Wes Seaton]

To quote the computer hacker in the original Die Hard: "OH MY GOD, THE QUARTERBACK IS TOAST!!!"

Spot-on satire. Keep up the good work.

Now, as Alan Rickman put it, "Hit him again!"

[Lambert]

Yikes! That was brutal. Keep up God's work of taking the mickey out of these morons!

[Jon Cohen]

jfk: "Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans"

emk: "We thought that victory on the battlefield would lead to victory in the war, and peace and democracy for the people of Vietnam.
We lost our national purpose in Vietnam. We abandoned the truth. We failed our ideals. The words of our leaders could no longer be trusted."

jfk: "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty."

emk: "In the name of a misguided cause, we continued the war too long."

jfk: "To those new States whom we welcome to the ranks of the free, we pledge our word that one form of colonial control shall not have passed away merely to be replaced by a far more iron tyranny."

emk: "We need a serious course correction, and we need it now."

jfk: " To those peoples in the huts and villages across the globe struggling to break the bonds of mass misery, we pledge our best efforts to help them help themselves, for whatever period is required—not because the Communists may be doing it, not because we seek their votes, but because it is right."

emk: "The first step is to confront our own mistakes."

jfk: "Let all our neighbors know that we shall join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas. And let every other power know that this Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house."

emk: "The tide of history rises squarely against military occupation."

jfk: "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.
My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man."

emk: "It will not be easy to extricate ourselves from Iraq, but we must begin."

[CK]

Sometime in the late 60's, there was a phony ad in National Lampoon that showed a VW bug floating down a river, and the caption said: "Just think, if Teddy Kennedy had only driven a Volkswagon, he'd be president today."

[Assistant Village Idiot]

Spot on. There has been a lot of mumbling about sedition that doesn't come to the fore, not through fear but through wisdom. If the accusation is made, though it is just, then the media focus will go to the accuser with great rolling of eyes and cries of lunatic extremism.

Better to just keep putting Teddy's words out there to see and asking questions.

For the record, I don't object to discussions of when the loyal(?) opposition should speak out, based on a cost-benefit analysis. I object to the deceitful fantasy that there is no cost to such comments.

A thousand times I have wished I were a cartoonist.

[Miriam]

This wattled, mottled parody of a man is an alien who has been substituted for a real person. Remove him from this planet today!

[Gail]

Behold, your snickersnee is Sharp! Have at him, sir!

/snortle

[Screaming Memes/Pastorius]

Iowahawk,
You have won yourself a place in the history books.

That is the greatest piece of satire I have ever read.

I just fear we will wake tomorrow morning, open up blogosphere, and find that poor Teddie has eaten his gun.

That was a singularly devastating piece.

Screaming Memes

[Noel]

Hell, it probably even WAS his father's Oldsmobile.

Ted's been cuttin' & runnin' for a long, long time.

[Vox Poplar]

A great satire of old Ted "Strokin' fer Shore" Kennedy. I'll be sure to put a link to it next time I update my own blog, because everybody should read it, even the two lost websurfers a week who stumble upon my site.;)

Kudos!

~Vox Poplar,
the voice of the tree...

[Pluto's Dad]

He has moved up to larger vehicles:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=448260&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

Tests have confirmed he is a douchebag:
http://eyesontheball.blogspot.com/2005/01/new-test-confirms-ted-kennedy-is.html

[Korora]

Remind me never to get on your bad side, iowahawk.

[utron]

Good Lord, Iowahawk. If Ted had an ounce of shame, or a gram of character, he wouldn't show his face in public after that takedown. He'd be casting his Senate votes with a paper bag over his head.

Of course, if he had any shame or character, he would have left the Senate more than thirty years ago...

[RichinJapan]

Great satire indeed. Unfortunately, it is doubtless illegal as you have harpooned the good senator and he is just as clearly covered under the Marine Mammals Portection Act. Fie on you.

[celebrim]

That is the single most devastating reply - whether in the form of satire or rhetoric - I have ever seen. Neither Cutullus nor Mark Twain have written anything which excels this. I'm not sure anyone has.

This is humor so bruising that I cannot laugh, but merely drop my jaw in awe. This is to biting satire as a wailing banshee is to the sound of a gentle rain falling.

In a perfect world, this would appear in every single college newspaper in the United States in the next week - not merely because it is relevant commentary, but because it needs to be studied for its literary value as one of the great peices of satire of all time. In a perfect world, this would be made into a biting comic Jib-Jab style short movie and get a hundred million downloads. In a perfect world, any man struck by such a fitting and perfect rebuttal would require immediate hospitalization and long term pyschiatric care to recover from the blow to his ego.

Of course, as utron pointed out, Ted doesn't have sense of shame.

I only hope I never ever get on your bad side.

[Jim Treacher]

Well, it's not quite as witty as titling a post "The Daily Wanker" and then linking it to someone you don't like, but I suppose it'll do.

WMD = Where's Mary, Drunko?

[StinKerr]

Anybody remember this poem?

There once was a Senator from Mass
Who was looking for a strange piece of @$$
He lucked out and found one
F****d up and drowned one
Now all his future is past.

[Matthew Goggins]

Senator Kennedy, Senator Kennedy, what's he thinking? Why does he do this?

I think he knows how ridiculous he is, but he is staking out a far out moonbat position so that when someone like his bud Senator Kerry outlines his own finely calibrated junk, it will sound moderate and statesmanlike by comparison. A Senatorial sacrificial bunt.

But if this is true, it leaves the question open of how treacherous Senator Kennedy's pronouncements are. Are his misguided attempts to help his party treasonous or ridiculous or both?

[A.R.Yngve]

Far be it from me to kick a man when he's lying down... but here is another song from CHAPPAQUIDDICK: THE MUSICAL.

(Sung to the tune of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes")
"Why, when I swim to shore
You keep shouting more:
*Heeellp me-eeee!*
But I cannot hear
'Cos I've got - my dear
Water in my ears"

-A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[Teflon]

There ought to be a law against this much snarky goodness all rolled up into one delightful bite.

I'm sure the Democrats will find a way to pass one (no doubt aided and abetted by Arlen "I am relevant!" Spector, but in the meantime, I'm linking to this.

Brilliant!

[Jim Treacher]

There once was a Kennedy (Ted)
Who quite clearly could keep himself fed
If you fell off a boat
He could serve as a float
Too bad Mary Jo's already dead

[Mary]

BRILLIANT! Here from The Diplomad Thanks for the
laugh.

[bitsy]

Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.

[tmgeneral]

After listening to Ted Kennedy, I'm quite sure that Mary Jo Kopechne opted to stay in the underwater Oldsmobile after spending a whole night with him.

[Dee]

Mr. Burge is the most hilarious and intelligent satirist of our time...even his bio had me rolling.

[Captain J]

If Kennedy had only driven a Volkswagon.
http://www.terpsboy.com/terpsboyarchives/000141.html

[Paddy Lenihan]

When one views life through a prism of cowardice and is stupid to boot, you have Ted Kennedy adivising our President to immediately surrender to terrorists and leave Iraq. Now we must suffer from the media deluging us with sound bites from his "major policy address" even though he speaks for no one but left wing-nut zealots who claim to represent the Demcratic Party. It seem that every time he opens his mouth his remarks embolden our enemies and put our troops at greater risk. Don't Massachusetts voters owe Americans an apology for inflicting this fool upon us?

[John Maggiore]

Kennedys - a family of: Inside Traders = Bootleggers = Adulterers = Dopers = Prostitutes (Jackie's $100,000 per trick w/Ari) - Teddy Bear is among top 3 of my GASAKI * list --=" *Get A Stick And Kill It " (guh sock ee) == boy howdy, that whole piece would make a great operetta ... face it .. he's working on getting some of the younger degenerate K politicos higher up the post of their limitless inadequacies ..

[dannyboy]

Shoulder belts?

Shoulder belts??

I'd be surprised if THAT old an Olds had LAP belts!

There's a joke in there somewhere....

[Tim McNabb]

I think I broke a rib

[Chris Chittleborough]

This was so good it forced me to resume blogging ... and changed my mind about a centuries-old myth.

[pinkmonkeybird]

Illustrating once again that Teddy is all wet.