I am deeply concerned with all the recent reports of bloggers secretly taking cash from government and political operatives. Can you please assure me and your other readers that Iowahawk is free of the taint of these influence peddlers?
Please withhold my name, as I could get fired for using company email.
Name withheld on request
First, let me say that this is an excellent question, and a perfect example of why I like to say I have the 'smartest readers in the blogosphere.' Second, I would like to point out that you didn't send me that money I demanded for withholding your name upon request. Your name is Dan Rosenquist of Plano, Texas, and you emailed from firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dan, I certainly understand your concern. With over 60,000 visitors in the last week --many of whom were not Googling "kinky fat farmwives" -- Iowahawk is quickly becoming the 'go-to' source for informed netizen newshounds. In the recent J.D. Power rankings of media trust, Iowahawk vaulted past CBS Evening News into 114,873rd place, just behind the Art Bell Show and the New York Times.
This is an awesome responsibility, and one I do not take lightly. Part of this responsibility is assuring you, the reader, that Iowahawk remains a fiercely independent and unbiased source of information. I only can tell that I have contacted the White House, George Soros, and the DNC on many occasions, and they have all angrily indicated that they have never, and will never, provide money to gain my endorsement.
But then again, I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it. And are you really that stupid? Puh-leeze. According to a recent National Public Radio study, the only proven way to avoid media bias is through the financial support of people like you. And also, massive government grants.
While I try to figure out the government grant angle, your generous support will act as a bulwark against the secretive forces of influence that are seeking to sway important independent online opinion leaders like me. Here's here’s how you can get involved:
HOW YOU, THE READER, CAN HELP KEEP IOWAHAWK CORRUPTION-FREE
BlogAds: Whether you are selling funtime fireworks for children, non-FDA-approved herbal diet supplements, or discrete Asian escort services, let Iowahawk put the fearsome marketing power of the internet to work for you. For only $10 per week, your BlogAd will soon be reaching tens of thousands of Iowahawk’s very "special" visitors. All ads submitted to Iowahawk must meet a rigorous, 10 point checklist for taste and truthfulness, like the type you see in whatever ad is running there on the right. If you would like to learn more about the power of BlogAds targeted to Iowahawk readers, click here, here, and here.
BoozePal: "Gee Dave," I hear you saying, "I don’t have any high-quality products or services to sell to your discerning readers. May I buy you a drink instead?" Well, this is your lucky day! I have a installed a convenient PayPal button for you to send me a beverage through the magic of electricity. For as little as $1, you can help supply the inexpensive alcohol that makes this site possible. Your donation of a 40-ounce bottle of Old English malt liquor ($2) buys me the courage to stand up to social injustice; a mini-half fifth of Jager ($5) will render every woman I see temporarily attractive.
Direct Bribery/Contraband: As the Bible says, man does not live on malt liquor alone. If you would like to express your appreciation, a mailed contribution of cash is the untraceable gift that keeps on giving. And whether you are a free-spirited lonely housewife with candid photos to share, or an independent dealer/locator of inexpensive used auto parts, I always appreciate tangible gifts as well. Take the example of iowahawk reader "D.L.", who lives in an undisclosed location deep in the backwoods of Jesusland. As a hobby, "D.L." operates a small "hair tonic" manufacturing facility, and he recently sent me a Ball jar containing a sample, pictured to the left. Let me say that this is some of the finest, smoothest, corn-based "hair tonic" I have ever used, and it was directly responsible for my last two posts. Thank you, "D.L.", and keep sending more samples lest I be tempted to alert the "hair tonic authorities."Come on, Team Dave! Only your support will ensure that Iowahawk remains the most ethical news site on the Internet, so give ‘til it hurts. And if you’re considering a gift of $10,000 or more, remember that IRS regulations require filing Form 1099. Eak-bray into all-smay unks-chay, so I can evade-ay the axes-tay.