[ed. note - Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities has collected a number of thought-provoking real theological inquiries from Ask-the-Imam.com. I decided to seek a second opinion from noted Mayfield Imam Mufti Wahlid Khaleever. Caution: R-rated subject matter.]
Q: I need to know what is the fatwa for passing gas from the front in women?
A: Pussy farts do not invalidate the Wudhu if they are silent. However, they are a sign of disrepect in the wife, and she should cut down on the falafel. If it continues, she should be beaten or given Pussy Beano or something.
Q: When we bought our Nike clothes, we did not know that Nike meant Greek god. What should we do with these products we have?
A: You should remove all logos from sporting apparel which refer to false gods, such as "Nike" or "Favre." In addition, if you own a Mercury automobile, you should remove its logos, and fill in with bondo. You might also consider a 3" chop and frenched headlights, and a Gene Winfield fade. Not only is this Deen, you will soon have a bitchin' Merc lead sled which is holy in the eyes of Allah, peace be unto him.
Q: I am hearing that Princess Diana had accepted Islam before she passed away. What is your opinion?
A: It is possible. Although it is said that the last thing to pass through her head was her hind parts.
Q: Is it permissible for me to ask my wife to pierce her navel strictly for my pleasure only??
A: Belly piercing is so like 10 minutes ago. It is Haraam, as are trucker hats.
Q: What are the positions allowed for intercourse? Can wife sit on top of husband?
A: An Aayat of the noble Qur'aan states, 'the wife who is on top of husband is okay, except for a Cleveland steamer.'
Q: I have to make a choice whether I should work with jews. Is it allowed or should we decline?
A: If there are other job opportunities besides this one, we suggest you give preference to another job. If not, accuse the jew of stealing office supplies.
Q: I have a bad habit of watching gay pornography. Please help.
A: Pornography is Haraam (strictly prohibited). To be gay is also Haraam. Send me this gay pornography so I may dispose of it properly. Also, send some Conhusker Lotion.
Q: I look like a famous person in England called David Baddiel (he is a comedian). People call me Dave all the time. It is really annoying & depressing. I don't understand why Allah would give me this curse.
A: Remind the people around you that you are not a kafir & you are a Muslim faithful to your Deen. Also, cut off the kafir comedian's head, as this will reduce your confusing resemblance.
Q: I would like to ask that does the size of the penis matter? If so what size should it be? because i am worried.
A: If the penis is small but normal, it does not matter. If the penis is abnormal, for example, cut off, then that matters. It matters to me, anyway.
Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged?
A: Yes. But it is not permissable to read the quran while doing the splits, or while playing Twister.
Q: Is it permissible to read a book or newspaper in the toilet?
A: Why would you be in a toilet? Rather than browsing a book it seems you should be desperately trying to get out. I suppose if the book was "How To Get Out of Toilet," that might make sense.
Q: Is there a prohibition against whistling?
A: It is not permissible to whistle. If there is a need to call a taxi, you should scream or pound on the taxi top. Better, you should use telephone and call my cousin Hassan at A-1 Permissible Taxi, for fast dependable taxi service.
Q: Ive read on da mosque board dat one of da sins r da pants below da ankles? from which hadith is this?
A: Somebody pantsed u? LOL, dude u r OWN3D.
Q: During lunch break, I warm up my food in the same microwave that everybody uses. Please let me know if it is alright.
A: It is permissible to share a microwave with non-Muslims, because microwaves are Allah's natural death rays against kufir cooties. It is not permissible to share a refridgerator with non-believers, because they are notorious breeding grounds of blasphemous sandwich materials. Go to Costco, they have good deals on Igloo coolers. Also, do not use George Foreman grill.
Q: Do we have to shave scrotum? What exactly is 'hind parts' that we have to shave?
A: One has to shave the scrotum. By hind parts is meant the circle around the anus, as faeces could get attached to any hair present there. Dingleberries make baby Mohammed cry.
Q: I masturbated a few days ago & my auntie died few days later. Is this my fault?
A: Firstly, masturbation is not permitted in Islam. Second, Allah probably killed your auntie because she masturbated, not you.