[ed. note - Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities has collected a number of thought-provoking real theological inquiries from Ask-the-Imam.com. I decided to seek a second opinion from noted Mayfield Imam Mufti Wahlid Khaleever. Caution: R-rated subject matter.]
Q: I need to know what is the fatwa for passing gas from the front in women?
A: Pussy farts do not invalidate the Wudhu if they are silent. However, they are a sign of disrepect in the wife, and she should cut down on the falafel. If it continues, she should be beaten or given Pussy Beano or something.
Q: When we bought our Nike clothes, we did not know that Nike meant Greek god. What should we do with these products we have?
A: You should remove all logos from sporting apparel which refer to false gods, such as "Nike" or "Favre." In addition, if you own a Mercury automobile, you should remove its logos, and fill in with bondo. You might also consider a 3" chop and frenched headlights, and a Gene Winfield fade. Not only is this Deen, you will soon have a bitchin' Merc lead sled which is holy in the eyes of Allah, peace be unto him.
Q: I am hearing that Princess Diana had accepted Islam before she passed away. What is your opinion?
A: It is possible. Although it is said that the last thing to pass through her head was her hind parts.
Q: Is it permissible for me to ask my wife to pierce her navel strictly for my pleasure only??
A: Belly piercing is so like 10 minutes ago. It is Haraam, as are trucker hats.
Q: What are the positions allowed for intercourse? Can wife sit on top of husband?
A: An Aayat of the noble Qur'aan states, 'the wife who is on top of husband is okay, except for a Cleveland steamer.'
Q: I have to make a choice whether I should work with jews. Is it allowed or should we decline?
A: If there are other job opportunities besides this one, we suggest you give preference to another job. If not, accuse the jew of stealing office supplies.
Q: I have a bad habit of watching gay pornography. Please help.
A: Pornography is Haraam (strictly prohibited). To be gay is also Haraam. Send me this gay pornography so I may dispose of it properly. Also, send some Conhusker Lotion.
Q: I look like a famous person in England called David Baddiel (he is a comedian). People call me Dave all the time. It is really annoying & depressing. I don't understand why Allah would give me this curse.
A: Remind the people around you that you are not a kafir & you are a Muslim faithful to your Deen. Also, cut off the kafir comedian's head, as this will reduce your confusing resemblance.
Q: I would like to ask that does the size of the penis matter? If so what size should it be? because i am worried.
A: If the penis is small but normal, it does not matter. If the penis is abnormal, for example, cut off, then that matters. It matters to me, anyway.
Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged?
A: Yes. But it is not permissable to read the quran while doing the splits, or while playing Twister.
Q: Is it permissible to read a book or newspaper in the toilet?
A: Why would you be in a toilet? Rather than browsing a book it seems you should be desperately trying to get out. I suppose if the book was "How To Get Out of Toilet," that might make sense.
Q: Is there a prohibition against whistling?
A: It is not permissible to whistle. If there is a need to call a taxi, you should scream or pound on the taxi top. Better, you should use telephone and call my cousin Hassan at A-1 Permissible Taxi, for fast dependable taxi service.
Q: Ive read on da mosque board dat one of da sins r da pants below da ankles? from which hadith is this?
A: Somebody pantsed u? LOL, dude u r OWN3D.
Q: During lunch break, I warm up my food in the same microwave that everybody uses. Please let me know if it is alright.
A: It is permissible to share a microwave with non-Muslims, because microwaves are Allah's natural death rays against kufir cooties. It is not permissible to share a refridgerator with non-believers, because they are notorious breeding grounds of blasphemous sandwich materials. Go to Costco, they have good deals on Igloo coolers. Also, do not use George Foreman grill.
Q: Do we have to shave scrotum? What exactly is 'hind parts' that we have to shave?
A: One has to shave the scrotum. By hind parts is meant the circle around the anus, as faeces could get attached to any hair present there. Dingleberries make baby Mohammed cry.
Q: I masturbated a few days ago & my auntie died few days later. Is this my fault?
A: Firstly, masturbation is not permitted in Islam. Second, Allah probably killed your auntie because she masturbated, not you.
Q: Imam, I'm a, uh, you know. And I've got this, ah, you know. So, I mean is it OK to, hmmm, you know? If so then, well, why, uh, you know? Because, ah, you know. Allah, be, um, you know. Thank, um, you know.
Sincerely,
Curious About, Ah, You Know, All That
A. Dear Curious in Allah, in His works, in His Goodness, in His sure-thing lotto picks, Allah, the Great, The Good, the Most Merciful and Forgiving and the Soft Touch for the Needful Zakat Sawbuck, be praised. OK, now, what is this some kinda joke? This is a column for serious religious queries. Whoever is writing this stuff making fun of Islam's imams, you are going to get one big fat fatwah slapped on your skinny sacrilegious kaffir butt, funny boy. May Allah the All-Merciful, the Compassionate, and All-Loving -- but not in any sense that Man-Boy thing -- visit the fires of Jahannam in the deep of your stink-hole and rip you a new one where he will insert your head and the heads of your family and the sinful limbs of forty of your compadres soaked in kerosene all squirming around-like in the parking lot of your newly enlarged bowels. Ha! How's that for funny, funny boy? Yeah. Pig-dog. Allah B. Good.
And so on and so on.
We make fun, but not more fun than the humorless Islamite provokes.
DGB
Posted by: Damian | January 11, 2005 at 08:44 PM
I'm just wondering if Princess Diana's hind parts were shaved. If so, did that allow her mind to stay clean?
Posted by: skinbad | January 10, 2005 at 11:46 AM
Regarding mary's fatwa memo:
I only wish the French cook that had me spending Bastille Day 1977 on the loo in a Parisian Girls' school had such a grip on sanitation...
Posted by: cthulhu | January 08, 2005 at 11:05 PM
I didn't think 'Ask The Imam' could be parodied, because it's such a parody of itself, but you've done it. Congratulations! It's sort of parody of a parody, wrapped up in kufir cooties.
If you need more inspiration, here's another memo from the Fatwa department (warning: serious toilet humor)
http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=13177
Posted by: mary | January 08, 2005 at 03:52 PM
The absolute best..dang I needed a good laugh from the idiocy of this religion
Posted by: Earth56 | January 08, 2005 at 01:28 PM
LOL
"pussy beano"
LHM
Posted by: LHM | January 08, 2005 at 02:36 AM
IMAN
Q: I need to know what is the fatwa for passing gas from the front in women?
A: Pussy farts do not invalidate the Wudhu if they are silent. However, they are a sign of disrepect in the wife, and she should cut down on the falafel. If it continues, she should be beaten or given Pussy Beano or something.
IMUS
Q:I need to know what a fatwad is for in passing gas in front of a women?
A: A: Hussy pants do not invalidate the WhoDealtIt if they are silent in their passing. However, they are a sign of Depends dependancy in the wifes breathing becomes labored, and she should go to the O2's. If it continues, he should be beaten into depends with a latex fatwad in back that captures the passing.
Posted by: song_and_dance_man | January 07, 2005 at 11:56 PM
I was doing ok until I got to "Not only is this Deen, you will soon have a bitchin' Merc lead sled which is holy in the eyes of Allah, peace be unto him."
Then I lost it.
Posted by: Brian B | January 07, 2005 at 07:51 PM
Oh my, the dingleberries! Please, make the forbidden fruit go away!
Posted by: Confederate Yankee | January 07, 2005 at 04:22 PM
Pussy Beano? My face hurts, from trying to stifle the laughter.
Posted by: Belize042 | January 07, 2005 at 03:02 PM
You made me laugh so hard, my head hurts. Next time, maybe you could break this kind of thing into two posts so I can recuperate.
Posted by: noisy ghost | January 07, 2005 at 02:48 PM
>>Dingleberries make baby Mohammed cry.
Priceless.
Posted by: | January 07, 2005 at 02:22 PM