[ed. note - cleaning out the machine shed, I tripped over this rusty CNS thing from 1999 for today's satire Inventory Clearance Sale. More contemporary Iowa-related stuff coming soon.]
Makoqueta, IA - Vice President Albert Gore Jr. was attacked by a trio of rampaging elderly farm tractors during a speech here yesterday, marking the second time in six months he has been victimized in vehicular attacks. Still wanted by the Environmental Protection Agency for the previous attack, a shadowy terrorist group of 1960s muscle cars immediately took credit for the latest assault on Gore, who remains resting comfortably in good condition at University Hospital in Iowa City.
A joint task force of the Iowa State Patrol, EPA and U.S. Department of Agriculture issued an all-points bulletin for the attackers, who remain at large. The assailants were identified as International Harvester Farmall Super M-TA, Allis Chalmers Wd 45 and John Deere 720.
The latest automotive confrontation involving Gore occurred as he was visiting Iowa in preparation the 2000 presidential campaign. While Gore has not official announced his presidential candidacy, it is widely expected he will run for the Democratic nomination in 2000. The Iowa presidential caucuses are an important early electoral battleground, and Gore's visits to the state have become more frequent in recent months.
Yesterday, on his most recent swing through the Hawkeye state, Gore staged a rally and speech at the Clifford Vanden Hofe farm outside Makoqueta. Vice presidential aides later said that Gore had hoped to use the forum to establish his agricultural bona fides for Iowa voters, many of whom are employed in farming and agricultural industries.
Taking a page from the playbook of fellow Tennessean Lamar Alexander, Gore appeared at the farm wearing a red flannel work shirt. Aides said the vice president chose his attire to establish himself as a "simple man of the people." Gore also sported a frayed pair of bib overalls and straw hat, and elected to go barefoot.
Taking the podium, Gore thanked the crowd and explained his expertise on agricultural issues. "Like you, my Idahohiowia friends, I love the simple soil of America's heartland," noted Gore, sucking on a straw and thumbing the straps of his overalls. "Dirt runs through my veins. I've been a farmanator all my life."
Gore then reminisced about his simple upbringing in an Arlington, Virginia log cabin. "Before I was six months old, I was up before the sheep's crow - baling the dirt, milking the roosters, plowing the silos with my bare feet," he explained, to the quizzical looks of the Iowa crowd.
Gore's remarks also surprised many in the Washington press corps who had gathered at the Vanden Hofe farm. Until the speech, most were unaware of the extent of Gore's agricultural experience. Some even hinted that Gore may have been embellishing his bucolic roots for political purposes.
Gore faced similar charges last week after he claimed credit for the invention of the Internet, Play-doh and the chair. Previously, Gore had been criticized for claiming to be the first man in space, bass player for Funkadelic and the inspiration for the novel 'Doctor Zhivago.' Some skeptics have disputed Gore's recent claim that, as fashion editor for Stars and Stripes, he was "America's most decorated unstoppable killing machine, single-handedly winning the war against the Nazis in Viet Cong."
Gore's childhood friends, however, jumped to the Vice President's defense. "I do say old bean, these charges of resume padding are simply outre," said Prescott "Biff" Heatherington VI of Newport, RI. Ne'er-do-well heir to the Heatherington whale oil fortune, he is a lifelong friend of the vice president and was Gore's classmate at Fauntleroy Academy and Finishing School for Pampered Lads.
"Among all the chaps at Fauntleroy Prep, Albie was surely the most outdoorsy," recalled Heatherington, offering concrete validation of Gore's folksy history.
"I daresay, he was the captain of the badminton squad, and simply insisted on hosting the spring cotillion in the Azalea garden," added Heatherington. "If I recall correctly, his family was from some hideous rural place - Pennsyltucky or some such."
Gore continued to play up these rustic roots for the Iowa audience.
"I remember it as if it were yesterday," added Gore. "Why, we'd grease seven dozen cowbells before dawn, by the light of the bean silk. Then we'd load up the old Conestoga wagon with acres, and head off to the corn pasture for the mule harvest."
As Gore continued his nostalgic reminiscences, three elderly dust-covered tractors behind the dais drew glances when they spontaneously sputtered to life.
"Yep, that's the way it was," intoned Gore. "Sunup to sundown - farminating, farminating, farminating. Plucking the goats, rotating the barn, slimterfrating the quacking-birds. I grobnulaxed the plow so much, I have calluses over every square inch of my elbows. But there was fun, too. Every winter, we were off to the county fair to whitewash the pigs and for the manure picking contest."
Escaping Gore's notice, the three tractors were now revving audibly behind him. Violently shaking off their dust, it became apparent that the ancient machines had been radically altered. Now gleaming with chrome, the John Deere was sporting a Hillborn-injected Rat motor while the Allis Chalmers and Farmall were now powered by blown aluminum-block Chrysler Hemis. Their menacing sounds seemed to alarm many of the farmers in the crowd. Sensing danger, they began to back away from the dais.
"That's why it's important for you, the Ohidiahowa farmenator, to keep the Clinton-Gore team in Washington," continued the vice president, still oblivious to the loud revving behind him and the dispersal of the crowd. "We know your problems, because we're all farmenators too. Under our programs, you will continue to get the things you need to farmenate. Things like seeds and rain and solar energy and cute baby chicklings. No matter if you raise portabello mushrooms or Belgian endives or organic espresso or ..."
Gore's remarks were cut short as the screaming hot rod tractors dropped their clutches in a terrifying display of raw torque. A thirty-foot rooster-tail of dirt clods and cow pies shot up behind the tractors' spinning dual tires as they careened toward the speaker's stand, flames shooting from their exhaust headers. A throng of vice presidential aides and media dove for safety, leaving Gore to absorb the impact of the tractors alone.
Several network cameras captured the impressive sight of Gore hurtling into the air at the moment of impact. He appeared unhurt as he landed headfirst in a pile of iron scrap with an audible "chhrllaaangg." However, it was apparent the tractors were not finished with him. Deploying hooked chains from their drawbars, the tractors ensnared Gore by his bare feet.
As the tractors again dropped their clutches in unison, many were reminded of a horse-dragging scene from a western movie. Helpless to stop the rampaging rural hot rods, Gore bounced like a rag doll over the row ruts as the tractors drug him through a nearby fallow cornfield at speeds up to 50 miles per hour. Spinning around in a choreographed maneuver, the terrifying tractor trio headed back toward the farm yard with the hapless vice president creating a spray of dirt behind them as he furrowed through the rich black Iowa topsoil.
Back at the farmyard, the tractors power slid to an abrupt halt, as the centrifugal force snapped Gore's leg chains. Hurtling through the air like an umoored helicopter blade, the vice president came to rest on a 12-foot pile of manure.
"Ow," noted Gore.
While officials dialed for medical assistance, the three tractors tore off through a nearby creek bed with the Secret Service, Iowa State Patrol, FBI, EPA and USDA in hot pursuit. By sundown, they were unsuccessful in apprehending the criminals.
Gore was flown by StarFlight helicopter to University Hospitals in Iowa City where he is under observation.
"Surprisingly, our tests revealed that Mr. Gore received no physical injuries from the tractor incident," explained hospital spokeswoman Shirley Ganz. "However, he suffered mild trauma after he saw dirt under his fingernails."
At an evening news conference in Cedar Rapids, USDA spokesman Hank Kimball said that the department would "leave no clod unturned until we locate these terrorist tractors and retrofit them with eco-friendly no-till equipment."
Attempts to triangulate the location of the call were unsuccessful, and authorities privately worried that the event marked a new level of recruiting success by the muscle car factionalists. "We knew the muscle cars had cells of street rods, customs, lowriders and monster trucks," said an NSA analyst. "Now it looks like they're recruiting naive, impressionable farm tractors and getting them all hopped-up with revolutionary rhetoric and drag race engines."
This morning in Maquoketa, the Gore attack was the talk of the town. At Scootch's Tap, a group of local farmers gathered for a debate of the event over coffee and monstrous cinnamon rolls.
"Seen them tractors yesterday?" asked Makoqueta farmer Verlon Schnitker.
"Yep," nodded the other members of his table.
"Hell, I don't want that Gore at my farm," said Schnitker. "I got trouble enough with my machinery as it is."
"Oh, I don't know," said Clifford Vander Hofe, owner of the farm where the assault on Gore took place. "I was over to that cornfield yesterday, looking at where them tractors were dragging him around.
I'll tell you what," said Vander Hofe. "That Gore's the best damn plow blade I ever saw."
