Top Scientists Warn: Sea Gods Angry
Washington, DC - Pointing to the devastating weekend Indian Ocean tsunami that left over 24,000 dead, an international blue ribbon committee of climatologists and ecoscientists today issued a stark warning that man-made pollutants have increasingly "make water spirits angry."
The blunt conclusion prefaced a 2300 page meta-analysis of hundreds of scientific studies and computer models detailing links between human industrial activity and wrathful eco-deities. Entitled "Fire Bad: Fire Very Bad," the report warns that the planet faces additional catastrophies unless drastic regulatory action is taken to appease Earthen-furies.
"Unclean money devils anger sacred water spirit Tai-Waku," explained Martin Knudson of Scripps Oceanic Institute. "He now call angry to son the whale, 'make slap with anger-tails! Bring vengeance-surf to villagers!'"
While most empirical evidence supports the theory of wrathful whale-tail slappings, some scientists are exploring alternative hypotheses for the weekend tsunami. Ecobiologist Jane Geary of UC Santa Cruz points to mounting evidence that the ocean spirit-world may have been driven to gastrointestinal rage by gas-guzzling SUVs.
"Thunder-wagon make smoke cloud of greenhouse gas," explained Geary. "hungry Tai-Waku eat smoke from thunder-wagon, pass giant wind with mighty fury."
Peter Novak, chief science officer of the Sierra Club, dismissed Geary's "Divine Fart" theory, arguing it was more likely that SUVs had triggered the tsunami via a spirit underword sexual encounter.
"Wheels of thunder-wagons wake up Big Earth Spirit-Mother, make to crazy tingle in hairy child-place. She now go to water lair of Tai-Waku, make big angry love on tectonic plate," said Novak. "Big Earth Spirit-Mother say, 'if ocean rocking, don't come a-knocking.'"
Although they disagree on the precise causes of the wrathful spirit world, scientists were largely unanimous in recommending immediate global regulatory action. Remedial steps suggested in the report include ratification of the Kyoto treaty, elimination of automobiles, volcanic altars for virgin sacrifices, creation of a sustainable urine-based economy, and improved faculty dental benefits.
"If not act now, it too late," said report editor Paul Erlich of Stanford University.
Erlich, whose 1978 best seller "Ice Time Come Soon" is widely credited with saving millions of lives by warning of the massive age of glaciation that threatened Earth during the 1980s, said inaction might anger the spirit world further.
"Me not know when Tai-Waku make wrath again," said Erlich. "Me need more grant money."
Chaos in Ukraine as Weird Al Yankovic Claims Victory
Kiev, Ukraine -- The weekend rerun of the Ukrainian presidential election once again failed to produce a clear cut winner, with Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich, pro-Western rival Viktor Yushchenko, and American novelty singer Weird Al Yankovic all claiming victory. The results appeared to be a virtual tie, according to an exit poll by the US research firm Yankelovich.
Throngs of Yankovic supporters gathered in Kiev's central square to cheer on the plucky former MTV star who won in a Stupid Music Party (SMP) primary over rival polka star Frankie Yankovic and 1940's novelty act Yorgi Yorgesson. Yankovic became an overnight sensation in the Ukraine with his parody of the 1979 Knack hit 'My Sharona,' entitled 'My Chernobyl.' He also won worldwide sympathy after it was discovered he was the victim of a poisoning plot by another candidate, Chinese chef Martin Yan of TV's 'Yan Can Cook.'
Taking sympathy on the beleaguered country was Russian President Vladimir Putin, who said he would soon send his country's army to Ukraine "to spare the population yet another election."
Drug Companies on Lookout for Michael Moore
Los Angeles - Some pharmaceutical companies are telling employees to keep an eye out for filmmaker Moore, according to published reports in the Los Angeles Times.
Moore's next film, "Sicko," will reportedly focus the American healthcare industry -- including HMOs, insurance companies, the FDA, and drug makers -- prompting several companies to issue internal memos to deny access to him and his cameras.
"If you see a scruffy guy in a baseball cap, you'll probably know it's him," read one internal memo from drug giant Pfizer. "If you want to make perfectly sure, look for speckles of congealed alfredo sauce sparkling in the wispy beard growth on his enormous 30-pound neck goiter."
A memo from Astra-Zeneca instructed building security to "be on the lookout for a disheveled man with a camera, microphone, and man-boobs the size and consistency of the bags inside a cheap bag-in-box wine, after drinking three or four glasses." The memo goes on to suggest that "oh, yeah, there's also a kind of a not-so-good peanut smell."
At Glaxo Smith Kline, an internal security memo set out a precise screening protocol for Moore. "If subject fits profile, request him to lift shirt," reads one item on the flowchart. "If visual inspection identifies buttcracks in front AND back, escort out."
Despite the reports of heightened security, Moore reassured fans would not be "deterred and bullied by corporate goons."
"I want Slacker Nation to know that whenever there's someone out there making millions in profits by peddling lies to the ignorant, you know I'll be there," said Moore.