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You are killing me. It almost made me pass out from laughing - couldn't breath in. Thanks.


What the flip#! is htis crap...


When can I get the tee-shirt???


Very nicely done, but also too painfully close to the actual everyday socialist banality here in the stifling People's Republik of KerryLand, MA to be funny to me. I'd like to send those types of parents to a new Death Valley "Re-Education" Camp to "commune" with nature and their grandparent's Depression-era spirit.


"It's funny 'cuz it's true." I guess I was well ahead of the curve by 15 or so years...

Grew up on Chicago's north side. Took private violin lessons at the exclusive Winnetka Music School some twenty-five years ago. My best friend from grammer school went to New Trier HS. He wanted to go to the Marines and I ended up at Ft Jackson. I am now a forester living in Petros-Joyner, TN, population 300 or so... excluding the prison population at Brushy Mtn State Penn and the hunters that inhabit the woods during deer season. I drive a pickup and own two guns (so far). The only thing missing is the pinch between my cheek and gums.

I never knew I was such a trend-setter.

Bill M.

This is the lamest "satire" I ever read. No wonder the Republicans can hoodwink you people so easily. You're not too bright.


Sometimes I do wonder how you're supposed to kiss a red-stater with that big plug of snuff in their mouth.


Hawk -(maybe I should call you Mr. Iowa?)

It appears you have become famous.
Someday if you look back in the vault of the Iowa Hawrkives, check out your first post. I read you when you were just an egg.

Somehow that makes me feel better about myself. It's like if I were a taxi driver, and Barbara Mandrell and her sisters had me give them a ride to the airport.

I was country when country wasn't cool.

Ya like that.


Y'all made my day. Funny a all get out!


There are only 2 types of people in this world: Rednecks and those who want to be.CMT and Speedchanel rule!


My Ford F150 with gun rack & 12 ga pump, yellow dog and such stickers as "Cat- the Other white meat" and "Gun Control Means using both hands" came from a kit I was required to buy as part of the "How to Become a Redneck" course I am currently taking - Comes with a 5 gallon pail of Bondo too.


This is not satire. I live about 40 miles from Branson, my 13 year old loves country music. We are blues and jazz lovers. My 24 year old called to try to buy my ancient Imperial and Big Smith overalls from me. She says everyone at work are wearing them and she wants some that look worn. Offered 20 bucks for them. The 13 year old really wants a john deer cap, the kind with the vent crap in the back, and guess what else is hot? Dickies!!!!!!!Not the fake turtleneck, but the brand of gas station wear! Do you know there are as many brands of chew as there are of cigerettes? I'm a knee jerk conservative and I'm concerned! Cammo is hot, especially the bright orange hunting caps. It's wierd, is it retro red or poverty chic? I think the later.

R.L.A. Schaefer

The non-Huckleberry, non-Cracker pinkneck

You know you're a pinkneck if:

you can hardly wait till an all-female NASCAR series is created.

you have as your next project the gentrification of your doghouse.

your waist measurement is smaller than your chest and hip measurements.

your brush your teeth more than once a day.

you straighten your hair if you are a woman and your curl it if you are a man.

you can see your reflection in your wood-tile floor.

you own more than one cell phone.

you missed what happened in the fifth inning of a baseball game.

you know more about Fantasy Baseball than real baseball.

you consider Starbucks to be too lower-class.

your alarm clock starts your automatic coffee grinder.

you always wear the right shade of shoestrings.

you thought John Kerry's hair is just a bit too long and John Edwards' just about right.

you wish John Edwards would have had that mole on his right upper lip removed.

you realized immediately that it was on his left upper lip.

you only favor bombs that kill insects.

you like Opera that is Grand but not Old.

you consider subtitles for foreign films to be unnecessary dependence.

you never write a check.

you mention "eating butter" as a personal instance of courage.

you don't own a refrigerator because you don't need one.

you consider three earrings to be excessive without any doubt.

you refuse to write with a ballpoint pen.

you have listened at least once to every CD you own.

you mean the "left" school when you say you want your child to go to the "right" school.

you are so far ahead of trends that you are trying to buy a "fixer-upper" house in the suburbs.

you only smoke cigars if you are a woman.

you drink Jack Daniel's if you are a woman and Chardonnay if you are a man.

you despise humorous lists.

R.L.A. Schaefer Dubuque Iowa

Miss O'Hara

Oh, that is hilarious. I nearly choked on my lunch!

Somebody wrote "ironic" a few posts back.
Please. It's "ironical".


Hilarious. And Roll Tide. Seriously.

Thanx for mentioning Moon Pies. I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.

lmao, great article1

Iron Fist


Yeah, I missed it. Dolly pointed out the same thing :-(

Oh, well. You know what happens when you quit makin' mistakes, don't you?

You start gettin' your mail by gopher.



If you swing to the left or to the right, or even dance in the middle, this is the funniest thing I have read in years! I loved it!


Hey, Iron Fist, you musta missed her "Satirically" comment at the outset.

Dude - This is the funniest thing I've read in years! I especially loved the references to Jerry Clower and the M3. There was a DJ, can't remember his name, but he broadcasted his show over WRVA-AM in Richmond from a huge truck stop outside of Ashland, Virginia. Played Jerry Clower albums all the time. I never was much in to it at the time trying to be an '80s yuppie. But my mother used to listen to him every night and call me the next day to relate the latest Clower story. She found her 'Neckie' roots in her later years. And as a former M3 owner, while I would NEVER do a General Lee paint job on such a car, it is now one of those deep, dark, hidden thoughts in the back of my head that will go with me to the grave. :-) Thank you so very much for this article.

Why wasnt there any Dairy Queen references in this article?

Iron Fist, LGF

[Dark, malevolent laughter],2933,139133,00.html

Chick thought you were serious ;-)


As a true-blue liberal Texan, I have to disagree with all the "liberals ain't got no sense of humor!" cracks above -- politics or no, I thought this was hilarious. I'll be sending it to all my friends (and yes, most of 'em are liberals, too), 'cause I know they'll enjoy it.

Two things, though -- 1). Imitating rednecks isn't anything new, at least not down here in Texas. Friends of mine used to throw White Trash Parties every few months where they'd dip Skoal, drink Pearl, and watch Dukes of Hazzard 'til they passed out.

And 2). You don't have to be a redneck to like Johnny Cash, or Loretta Lynn, or Mountain Dew, or Waffle House, or even moon pies. Heck, my wife loves George Jones, and she's about the most *non*-redneck person I know. Just sayin'...

Bill Wallo

Ooh, that was funny. Thanks.

Bubba from Winnetka

That was the funniest political commentary I've read all year. I'm an ex pat cracker now living in Winnetka, Illinois whose son attends the legendary New Trier High School. I was raised in Alabama and Mississippi, briefly played bass in a blue grass band and my wife was once "Miss Falstaff Beer" at the Taladega 500 stock car race.
Also, I'll guaran-damn-tee ya I'm the only guy in Winnetka who listens to George Jones, shops at Wal Mart, and bleeds for the Crimson Tide. Politics? I've have just as soon voted for a dead dog as cast a ballot for George W. Bush.


Excellence, Pure excellence


Now I wish I had the guts to write something like this. I believe you've almost inspired me! Very funny stuff.


Great stuff. Though actually, if San Francisco residents want to get a taste of down-home cracker culture, they don't have to go much further than California's Central Valley to see it.

It also reminded me of the fact that nearly everyone I know in San Francisco is actually from somewhere else--in general the "natives to migrants" factor is something like 1 to 5 or something like that. And a great deal of those migrants happen to come guessed it: red states. Places like South Carolina, Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana, and so on. And they throw *the best* "white trash" parties, let me tell yew. So, y'know, in a small way we've got the best of both worlds right here. Y'all should come out for our yearly free bluegrass festival in Golden Gate Park--all the greats come to play.

Oh, one other thing. You misspelt "Potrero." Not a big deal, it's easy to screw up.


After 30 years of livin' in the Great State of ALabama, I'as a wonderin' when the rest of the world would catch up with us. ROLL TIDE, and WAR DAMN EAGLE


I loved this! How long did it take you to write?


Retired, I took off my VP Engineering suit and tie, married a Southern lady from Dothan AL (referred to as Down Home hereabouts) where I trained before going to Korea as a grunt in 1951, left Minnesota, and moved South. My wife soon concluded that there was a red neck inside me and now I drive a Chevy pickup, have a dog who loves me, spend a lot of time at Lowes and Sams and go to blue grass concerts. Still love Beethoven and miss my SVT, but what the hell. I got 20 grandchildren in the deal, have 5 great grandchildren which I occasionally make toys for in the biggest shop I ever had (A/C inside) and participated in Georgia going Republican. What more can a mean spirited (one who is offended at the thought of spending someone elses' money) old papaw ask for. These folk got it right. My cement contractor has a 350 dually for the family and conducts his business with an S-10. He also manages to aw shucks himself into about $50./nr. It's kind of like the old days in MN with Grain Belt beer, Jaques seed corn, Nutrena (my mother invented the concept of printed feed sacks), Burma Shave, and Red Man, but I miss the bibbers with at least one button missing and the strap(s) being held with a wooden match. You could tell the workers who had the knees worn out from the sitters who had the butts worn. These are some of the things your young folks could work at.

I about had a fit reading you and advised my wife to not touch her computer when she called me for dinner (barbequed pork, what else?)


Absolutely hilarious. Thank you for the entertainment!


Nuthin wrong with livin the good life. Pass me s'more barbeque!

anne onymous

Wow, I looked at that site.

They take this seriously. Disdain of Iowa, not near water. Apparently proximity to large bodies of water consitiutes intelligence.

They are apparently unable to go beyond the title to see where the author actually lives.


Sammy's Cabin in Mutton Hollow. My buddy ran it for years after I left for Moscow-on-the-Hudson.


Sheer genius!

Byron R.

I loved this, and linked from Rightwingnews. I've read your stuff before, but this takes the ultra-cake! I never bookmarked you before, but I will now.

This thing read like a NYT artice. The pathetic, helpless angst. The national liberal locations. The quotes from goof-ass academics.

I love this, and it will make the e-mail rounds for a long time to come. Thanks!

p.s. tiffany is right about Spelman. You gotta change that to Moorehouse, or Howard, or make the character a girl. That won't stop me from putting in Moorehouse and sending it to every liberal I know! I'm not really too "necktie" (love the people, lukewarm to the style) but we need more people who can be 'tolerant' of their 'lifestyle' choices. And thank God they voted!


Hey, Spongy, hogfat woulda worked better. What was your rest. called?


Great stuff. Steak 'n Shake and a shot at the Cyclones. Makes a man homesick, don't it?

Me and a buddy opened a restaurant in Branson back in '81. We kept a tub of butter by the front door to grease the fat people trying to wiggle through.


You've got your first humorless liberals taking this as a serious story over in the comments on


Wow, I always suspected that I was a trendsetter.

What do we call this phenomenon? Ozark Chic (or chick?)


Awesome! Good to see those ol' cracker values shining through. But I wonder if it's nothing more than just backlash or a trend, something that may fade away when a new craze hits. I see some of it here at my school; it's definitely not to the degree described above, but I think here it's an actual reflection of culture and heritage as opposed to being a new, "hip" thang to do.


African-American Kwame 'Joe Don' Harris agrees. "Just because I'm black, teachers were always pushing me to go to Spellman to study Langston Hughes and Thelonius Monk," says the 17 year old.

um, except that **Spelman** (one 'L') is an all-women's college. teachers would probably encourage him to go to Morehouse instead.

baby sleep

very funny post! :)


Frank DuBois

Hilarious. Couldn't wait to post a link.


IowaHawk Dude - why are you giving this stuff away for free? This is better than most P.J. O'Rourke - and he sells books for real money.

Mr. Dart

Eric, what's an elistest wrtier?


"In the middle of the room: a makeshift table made from a utility cable spool, bearing a the remains of a gutted catfish."

And I'll bet he got it noodling.

Dave H

I loved this. See, I didn't think I was immersed in redneck society until I moved to Oklahoma last year... but I graduated from Iowa State in 1985. I was Dollywood before Dollywood was cool!


No matter which way you slice it, you, the wrtier, and the people in this story are elistest scum.


On 'Moral Values,' It's Blue in a Landslide
The New York Times
November 14, 2004

On 'Moral Values,' It's Blue in a Landslide

FAREWELL to Swift boats and "Shove it!," to Osama's tape and Saddam's
missing weapons, to "security moms" and outsourced dads. They've all been
sent to history's dustbin faster than Ralph Nader memorabilia was dumped on
eBay. In their stead stands a single ambiguous phrase coined by an anonymous
exit pollster: "Moral values." By near universal agreement the morning
after, these two words tell the entire story of the election: it's the
culture, stupid.

"It really is Michael Moore versus Mel Gibson," said Newt Gingrich. To Jon
Stewart, Nov. 2 was the red states' revenge on "Will & Grace." William
Safire, speaking on "Meet the Press," called the Janet Jackson fracas "the
social-political event of the past year." Karl Rove was of the same mind: "I
think it's people who are concerned about the coarseness of our culture,
about what they see on the television sets, what they see in the movies ..."


[Ed note: Chris apparently felt that (a) you all needed to get a scolding from fatfuck NYTimes drama queen Frank Rich, and (b) I should pay for the bandwidth.

I have deleted the rest of his post, which entirely consists of the Rich article. If you want to read it, go to


Well done!

Proud Ivy Mom

Funniest thing I've seen since the brilliant 1975 Harvard Lampoon "Sports Illustrated" parody. Way to go!

David Kohlhoff

You have a marketable talent. You need to be on television or radio or writing books.

I look at MADTV and SNL which are _not_ funny. Then I read one of your entries and it brightens me day.

Why the hack writers at NBC and not you?

Conservatives like to laugh too.


The initials of the oldest radio station down here in Atlanta stand for Welcome South, Brother.
Pretentious arrogance may prevail for a time, but sooner or later all these post-modernist fads always give way to easy and gracious living. Why do you think Johnny Cash is so popular now, and Loretta Lynn is back on the charts? And I have seen a Mercedes sedan riding on a 4x4 chassis.

Bout the only other thing I have to say is



As a refugee/recoveree from the People's Republic of Cambridge (MA), I can tell you, you have hit the nail on the head with this brillant, hysterical piece. Come to think of it, I might be some sort of a proto-Cracker myself, since I done gone and gived up my high-falutin' software-engineerin' life up there in the PROC to raise babies here in the 'burbs of Phoenix.

What can I say? Real life rocks.

Abu Qa'Qa

Beautiful, I've lived in Georgia for some 35 years and knew we had a lot of fun, I just hadn't thought that much about it. Gonna get in my 4x4, put the 30/30 in the gun rack, pick up some Skoal, a styrofoam spit cup, a couple of moon pies, some Mountain Dew, and run on down to the Wal Mart and cruise the parking lot!


The pork rind paragraph did me in. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants.

The Commissar



Absolutely wonderful! I'm sending it on to all my redneck friends, 'cuz my blue-state friends don't got no sense of humor.


This captures the essence of red state - redneck culture. After starting out practicing law in large firm in a large northern city, I re-settled in the mountains of East Tennessee 20 years ago and have resumed living the lifestyle described in this article.

I am not a member of any county club, and it would not occur to me to put on funny colored pants and take up golf. However, I am a member of several gun clubs and I dutifully spend my Saturdays at them each weekend. The only sport I follow is stock car racing, and I still listen to the same bluegrass and outlaw country music (Jerry Jeff Walker, David Alan Coe, etc.) that I have been listening to for 30 years.

We don't need the approval of the Hollywood and media elite. Nine of the top 10 NASCAR drivers endorsed President Bush, and we value their opinions more than Whoopie Goldberg's and Michael Moore's.

This is truly a great article. Keep it up.

The Blue Rajah


By the by, my eldest son lives in small-twon Missouri. He says the redneck craze is way big.

'Git 'er done!'

But they all listen to gangsta rap, he also tells me. Someday ghetto blacks'll remember that their forefathers brought the original banjo to the States, that Leadbelly ain't slang for multiple gunshots to the stomach, and even Miles Davis said, in his later years, to proclaim his remaining powers:

"I still got my Ferrarri."

Meanwhile, southern white stereotypes will release their hold on their sophisticated middle class college bred Dixiecrats and they'll cease thinking in such reactionary terms against liberal stereotypes, realize that BOTH those roles are ancient fuddy-duddy noise, that they live in a culture when Jerry Clower will likely soon be digitally virtualized into a VERY hilarious LIfe of Jerry Clower movie a la the current Ray Charles movie, or The Buddy Holly Story, and it will soon require a 4-year computer networking deghree to drive a combine rig.


I enjoyed y'all's little piece on Paly, but ain't much of it so.

I ain't never lived there, but I spent a few nights there, and from where I live I can walk or throw a rock across the border, 'n I done lived hyere longer'n most o' you been a'livin' anywhere.

First, ain't nothin' in Paly postmodern 'cept maybe that whacked out church buildin' on Hamilton, but it was built in th' '50s or '60s. They got all them old Maybecks from WWI, an little ol' stuccos from later, an a few bigshot mansions from Leland Stanford's day, an' a whole passel o' Eichlers from the '50s. Nearest thang they got to postmodern are them big ole fake Tudor palaces that darn near squeeze theyselfs off th' lot lines. An' they still puttin' up a huge fight about 'em.

Second, you can git Red Man an' all kinds o' other bakky at Mac's Smoke Shop up on Emerson, an' it's been there since WWII anyhow.

Here's Mac's:

Third, David Maloney 'as singin' Palo Alto Cowboy since 'afore most a' y'all 'as born.

Fourth, They 'as lissnin t' KFAT in Paly 'afore David Maloney 'as singin', an' KFAT's been gone more 'n 20 years.

Fifth, 'an maybe this'll scandalize y'all, Shrub's (an' I use th' term affekshunately) security adviser usta spend a lot o' time livin' in Paly. An' she can even tickle th' ivories with Brahms right good. So they is some high falutin' culchure 'round there.

Well, I'm losin' count an' runnin' out 'a fingers t' count on. I jes' tho't y'all needed some true facts about Paly.

Oh yeah, Paly kids run around all over th' place at night, playin' capture th' flag. So, they's perty slick about night fight'n by th' time they git to high school.

An' the good folks in Paly done lost some o' their finest youngsters fightin' overseas too, jus' lak everbody else.

They rilly ain't that much differnt from anywhere else.

Silicon Valley Jim

I live five miles from Palo Alto. I did my graduate work at Stanford. This piece is brilliant! Tears of laughter have been rolling down my cheeks since I got to the phrase "remains of a gutted catfish". I'm forwarding this to all my friends, plus my grad school classmate who's the mayor of Palo Alto.

Joe R. the Unabrewer

Hey! It's WOOOOO pig soooie, dammit!


Y'all, this is way more useful than chickenshit on the pump handle. Y'all coulda bought the Rednecks for Dummies book down to the Dollar General or git it fer free right here.

War Eagle not Roll Tide.


The best part about this is that the left would have no clue why it's as good as it is. Fabulous!


20 years ago when kids started wearing blue hair and goth crap on the beaches in California (including boots and long overcoats in 90 degree heat)reg'lar Amuricans like me said: To each his own but WTF?

The explanation then was that when your parents are old dope smoking hippies from the '60's, how else do you rebel? I've been thinking about that alot lately and I think you have summarized the blue state parents' worst nightmare.

BTW I'll remember you to the folks at Big Bend Saddlery in Alpine when I stop by there in a couple weeks.

Robert C Worstell

Very cool. Very funny. But don't take it literally; it isn't that extreme out here, however extreme it may be in blue states.

Sara Jane

As one who was born and raised in the beautiful Missouri Ozarks, and lives only minutes from Branson, I'll join Elizabeth and offer my services as a cracker consultant to any young blue staters wishing to convert. I am literally a five minute drive away from piles of $3.99 Bass Pro trucker hats, as seen gracing the noggin of propane and propane accessories salesman Hank Hill. If you'd like to learn more about the glory of living in the reddest part of a great red state, please get in touch. As the song goes, "Y'all come to see us when you can."

(Iowahawk is now on my favorites list. Brilliant and hilarious.)


Somebody learn these poor young 'uns somethin'. It's SHEE-it, not shit. Two syllables. Damn posers. Whole damn world's goin' to the dawgs.


Absolutely brilliant...and perfectly worded. A masterwork of satire on those who [gasp] already had the self-appointed market on intellekshullality locked up tight as algore's lockbox. Dayumed i-ronic, y'all.

Obviously, Leftism isn't a position. It's a (mirthless, 2-dimensional, dishonest, sanctimonious) mental illness. This shows how as well as anything I've read since the election.

The 1992 election.


Well maybe it is living in Aggie country & in the midst of an English dept., but this is really, really funny. Thanks for a lot of laughs.

Lexington Green

Brilliant. But the question remains: What can we do to make this wonderful vision COME TRUE?

Bill G

Hilarious, from someone living in the midst of the looniest of the Left in San Francisco.

BTW, it's Potrero Hill ;)

Randy H.

This rules. The only thing missing is that there was no mention of the old "you have your X (Malcom X reference), and I'll have mine (stars and bars)" t-shirts.


Funny stuff but one small problem.

"Roll Tide!' and 'Gig 'em Ags!' and 'Piiiig Sooieeee!'" Ah no I don't think so. As a proud resident of the State of Alabama (the buckle of the bible belt)...we don't use "Roll Tide" in the same sentence with those other two profanities.

And I mean that in a non-ironic sort of way. *L*


This is some fine commentary, and funny too. I called the 'rib' into the living room and said, "Honey, take a look at this"...well, she laughed so hard she almost dropped a whole handfull of mashed potatos and gravy!


Love it! Anyone wanting immersion studies in redneckery can come stay with me in Appalachian Kentucky for a spell. Don't worry, I live in site-built construction. When you're ready, I can help you find a trailer for rent.


Hmm..I was born in Fort Leonard Wood. Must be why, despite a non-competitive liberal upbringing provided by many care facilitators, I still like Hank Williams, Waffle House and the smell of Axle grease.

Blue staters will figure it out eventually. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.


Most Xcellent


Love it, love it love it !!!!!

mrs mcmuffin

There is a comparable 'chav' movement in the UK and I have witnessed the devastation the love of gold clown necklaces, sports leisure wear and Burberry wreaks on middle class family life.

The parents blame themselves endlessly, wondering if they should have moved to a small island in the Orkneys to protect their children. It's terribly sad and most parents I know are fearful that their children will become victims of this cruel lifestyle choice.

hatless in hattiesburg

that's the funniest thing i've read all year!


As the Guinness guys say, "Brilliant!".


The Jerry Clower line is priceless. I had completely forgotten him. I'm 27 and the last time I heard him, or even of him, was when I was 10. My step-mom, a true cracker, listened to him all the time. We heard him non-stop during a trip to North Carolina from Florida and back.
Honest to God, this woman also literally fed us roadkill; only if it was fresh hit, though. My brother and I were deeply ashamed that our father married her; he literally was a member of Mensa.


Funny! Accurate too!

Eric Anondson

Just goes to show, it's not the color of your neck that matters, its the color of your spine. ;)


Oh the folly of youth. Everyone knows Blains Farm and Fleet is better then Mills Fleet Farm. A wise old dairy farmer told me once, "If you can't get it at Farm and Fleet ya don't need it!"

Steve Kinser

Got a little carried away - they're "outlaw sprint cars," not "outlaw modified sprint cars." The rest is pretty accurate...


IowaHawk -

Ya'll talk to Bobby Jindal about this? Not really a 'neckie, but he did do that nickname bit.....


Ok, this one is totally hilarious. LGF's excerpt had me going for a few paragraphs, but the gig was up when I hit the pink cadillacs line. Hehehe...

Lovely job, but of course the funniest part is if we can get some LLL reading it who swallow the whole thing... hook, line, and democratic party card.

Oh, and if any a y'all air headin' toards Branson, yore in mah neck o' the woods. -- stop by on yore way up an' say howdy ;)


This is just too funny. However, we DO NOT jack up our beamers, we have more class than that!


I'll be forwarding this one to unsuspecting friends. It's hilarious.

Rich F

Sprayed my beer all over my pork rinds laughin' so hard! Great stuff! shure hope it's fact not fiction!

Truth Junkie

Heard about you from LGF. You are one of the great ones!


Hmm, I notice that almost all of the "neckies" interviewed wound up in more lucrative careers than they would have been in had they remained acedemic larvae. There's nothing you can do with a gender studies degree, but plumbing is a skiled trade and oune that can't possibly be outsourced to India.

Ernie G

It's spreading to the older folks, who should know better. One was recently heard to say, "Kin ah git me a huntin' license?"

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