Hi-ho, inquiring minds! What's the latest buzz from Hollywood Babylon and beyond? Your humble ol' dirt-disher Dave has been burning up the Nokia, and have I got a scoopful of poop por vous!
... is that a flu epidemic in Tinseltown? Tear up that prescription slip, Doc -- Hollywood is simply burning up with John Kerry Fever! Not only has the infectious prexy hopeful sewn up the Malibu power player vote, he is getting a huge last-minute boost from a glittering galaxy of entertainment's almost-stars!
... you heard it here first! While wacky rival George "Dubya" Bush can't get a callback from a single celeb outside Opryland, dapper DC dandy John has been rolling up endorsements from a veritable rolodex of H-wood's elite D-list! Details? You got 'em!
... Gentlemen, start your Nikons! Expect a crush of paparazzi at the trendy Oxnard bistro 'Bennigans' tonight, where Stage Moms For International Peace will be holding a Kerry rally and fundraiser featuring some of the top tip-o'-the-tongue child stars from TV's shag carpet golden age! Insiders tell me the bill will feature Trivial Pursuit superstars like Underwood Deviled Ham spokes-imp Mason Reese, "Cousin Oliver Brady" Robby Rist, Matt "Goodwill Hunting" Damon, and Dustin Diamond, TV's beloved Screech!
... why the fervor for John F.? "We in the creative arts have an obligation to use our talent speak out against the criminal Bush Regime," sez activist heartthrob Leif Garrett, who is reportedly is developing several projects with an Encino landscaping company. "It's time we stand up to Ashcroft, and his repo man gestapo."
... how strong is the anti-Bush movement in Tinseltown? Strong enough to end the long-simmering feud between estranged 80's power duo Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, who have buried the hatchet and teamed up with Corey "Sunglasses at Night" Hart to canvas for Kerry and spare change on the Sunset Strip this weekend. Insiders tell Yours Truly that the stunning trifecta was engineered by none other than Ben Affleck, who is already getting valuable career advice from Team Corey.
... Hello Cleveland! Not to be outdone by their silver screen confreres, rock sorta-stars are taking their shows on the road to drum-solo support in swing states for the Dem ticket. Case in point: a near-sellout crowd at the cavernous I-95 Brat Stop in Kenosha Wisconsin were treated to a star-studded Kerrypalooza show featuring co-headliners Night Ranger and Head East, with solid warmup sets from Flock of Seagulls, Bruce Springsteen, and Warrant! The tour continues on to Waterloo, Iowa tomorrow, where Bon Jovi will replace original opening act Eddie Vedder. Friction on the tour Econoline? Not so, sez the Gentleman Grunger, just a "previous nightshift gig obligation" at a Taco Bell back in Seattle.
... Yo, represent! The Kerry campaign is also sporting some new urban flava street cred, thanks to the endorsement of "Vote Or Have Your Electricity Cut Off" -- brainchild of the not-entirely forgotten screen and hiphop heavyweight Coolio. The Cool One has assembled a roster of rap legends like Gerardo "Rico Suave" Mejia, Robbie "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle, Tone-Loc, P. Diddy, and Color Me Badd to "bust a move" on Team Dubya. Coolio asks us to send a special 'shout-out' to Russell Simmons -- yo, Russell, you know C has the rhymes! Give a brutha a break and return his calls, dawg!
... Hollywood Goes To War! The Nantucket 'Nam hero has also garnered support from Mayfield's Band of Brothers, The Leave It To Beaver Cast Members Who Didn't Really Die In Vietnam Coalition! "Like Senator Kerry each of us has suffered a personal Viet Nam nightmare, having our agents explain to producers that we actually still alive and available for casting," said group spokesman Frank Bank, "Lumpy Rutherford" of classic 50's sitcom. Lending support: <strong>Jeremy "Chris Partridge" Gelblwaks, John "Life Cereal Mikey" Gilchrist, and Janeane Garafalo -- all long-rumored as dead from Coke-and-Pop Rocks overdoses.
... Do I spot a trend? Seem thespians everywhere are getting in on the dump-Dubya act! Pandemonium nearly erupted the Vero Beach (Florida) Community Dinner Theater last night after cast members of "Cats" walked off the stage to protest the Prexy's Sunshine State whistlestop. "How dare you demand entertainment while Bush and his junta are out there, plotting another Florida coup?" asked Alec Baldwin, the production's charismatic Rum Tum Tigger. After the walk-off by Smart-Alec Alec and fellow cast-kitties Justin Guarini, Yvonne "Batgirl" Craig, the Dixie Chicks and Vanessa Redgrave, theater management was forced to give enraged theater patrons complementary salad bar. Alec and crew were each docked over $40 in pay for the protest stunt, which they are currently working off with double kitchen shifts.
... that's all the dirt that's fit to print 'til my next report, Mr. and Mrs. Snoopypants -- in the meantime vote early, vote often, and keep your eyes on the stars!
I cried! This was so funny!
Posted by: mistercalm | November 17, 2004 at 09:06 PM
You are one crazy S.O.B. You give great blog!
Posted by: Squatch | November 01, 2004 at 12:04 AM
I know that the phrase "Coreys for Kerry" was just screaming to be written. Thanks for passing on the urge.
Posted by: Doug | October 31, 2004 at 09:40 AM