KERRY SPURS CHAIN-REACTION MISHAP
An apparent Vietnam flashback set in motion a chain-reaction accident Wednesday amid the hoopla of Democrat National Convention, claiming a fatality and sending several people to local hospitals.
Boston Police spokesman Aidan Patrick Callahan Gilhooly said that while the event remains under investigation, it was likely set in motion after nominee John Kerry "snapped" while arriving at the Fleet Center aboard a water taxi decorated as a Vietnam-era Navy swift boat.
"We believe that scene created a rush of emotions that psychologically transported Senator Kerry back to a free-fire zone in the Mekong Delta," said Gilhooly, who also faulted the Democratic National Committee for decoratiing the Charles River with rice paddies.
Unable to locate a 50-caliber machine gun, Kerry grabbed an object on the deck -- apparently mistaking it as a hand grenade -- and hurled it toward the banks, striking the car of Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA). The object was later identified as a medal case belonging to a Kerry shipmate.
Kennedy's Buick then swerved out of control and careened into a the sedan chair of Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), causing minor injuries to four eunuchs. Clinton's chair helicoptered through the air with the Senator inside, eventually colliding with a massive book stack of "My Life," the autobiography of her husband, former President Bill Clinton.
While dazed, Mrs. Clinton was unharmed in the collision. However, the stack collapsed on her husband, who, according to aides, was privately counseling a staff member behind the stack at the time. He is currently being treated at Walter Reed Medical Center for unspecified bite injuries.
Kennedy's car continued to careen out of control, eventually plummeting of the Massachusetts Avenue bridge into the Charles. After swimming to safety, Kennedy made several desperate dives to save the life of passenger Destiny Knobbs, a 23-year old Florida entertainer described by aides as a "longtime Kennedy family friend." Though his efforts to save her were unsuccessful, Kennedy's dives netted four bottles of Chivas Regal.
A Boston EMS Ambulance unit arriving at the scene was also involved in the melee, when it was rear-ended by the speeding Lexus of Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards. He later complained of neck injuries, lupus, chonic fatigue syndrome and unspecified pain and suffering.
TERESA TRANCE REACHES THIRD DAY
Aides brushed aside suggestions that First Lady hopeful Teresa Ricola Pez Mentos Stokely-Van Camp Heinz-Kerry was feeling the strain of the campaign, as her self-induced trance entered its third day.
Heinz-Kerry fell into the trance while addressing the convention Tuesday evening, and has been seen wandering the convention floor attempting to hypnotize balloons.
"She does this all the time," laughed spokeswoman Jennifer Helton. "When she was growing up in Mozambique, a local Obeah medicine woman taught her go into a zombie state when ever she hears the phrase 'Outspoken Women'."
OBAMA, EDWARDS REACH AGREEMENT ON NUMBER OF AMERICAS
A marathon negotiation session between Vice Presidential nominee John Edwards and Illinois US Senate candidate Barack Obama has ironed out their heated public disagreement on the exact number of Americas.
"It turns out we were both wrong," said a beaming Obama, who had as recently as Tuesday claimed that there was one America. "It turns out there are seven Americas -- rich America, poor America, united-with-one-voice America, Air America, South America, Mall of America, and Six Flags Over America."
Edwards, who had long maintained that there were two Americas, said the historic agreement "shows that cheerful, optimistic Democrats can work together to cheerfully iron out our optimistic differences."
Both Obama and Edwards buoyantly rejected suggestions that each of the 11 Six Flags Over America across America should be actually be counted separately.
"That would just be absurd," beamed Edwards.
DELEGATES CHEER AS MOORE TAKES DUMP ON BURNING BUSH
Film maker Michael Moore electrified the floor delegates at the Fleet Center Wednesday afternoon, leading them in a twenty minute sustained chant to "Lynch the Chimp" as he hung an effigy of George W. Bush, set it afire, and defecated on its smoldering remains.
Moore's remarks spurred a 10 minute standing ovation, followed by a five-minute standing primal scream.
CNN Political Analyst Bill Schneider said the crowd's warm reception of Moore was "a steamletting" during the tightly controlled proceeding.
"During the convention, the DNC has strived to project an upbeat, pro-America image, and avoid public Bush bashing," said Schneider. "On the other hand, the delegates are strongly anti-war and anti-Bush, and they are chafing a bit. Moore knows what they want, and gives them the real red meat. Or brown meat, as it were."