WANTED: GOOD PUBLICIST
From The Gnu Hunter comes word that my fame surpasses that of the Prime Ministers of Iceland and New Zealand. And this -- this -- is suppose to thrill me? No offense to those of you who might be Icish or New Zealese, but it's like winning a three-way bicycle race against George Bush and John Kerry.
Sure, maybe "Almost Famous" is good enough for the Poobah of some obscure third world hellhole like New Zealand, but that crap is simply not going to fly in the cutthroat, Google-eat-Google world of bigtime blogging. So this morning I called my publicity team in on the carpet and demanded an answer: why the hell am I paying you people?
After letting them sweat and yammer and eye the floor for a few minutes, I issued an ultimatum: move me to the top of the Google blogger heap by July, or clean out you cubicles. After an all-day brainstorming session, they came back with a five point plan:
Rent adorable moppet child, give daily updates
Write 15-part series chronicling struggles with "blog fatigue"
Buy Mazda, drive around Tennessee with head out window
relaunch as Iowahawnkette, the giggly hot mysterious Beltway nymphoblogger
Move to Scotland and practice Karballah
Obviously, I'm now looking for a new PR team. If you're a go-getting, Google-minded publicist who has an idea to catapult me from Helen Clarke famous to Dancing Hamsters famous, leave it in the comments. First prize: a set of steak knives. Second prize: you're fired.
And coffee is for closers.
OH, HOW I DO ENJOY THE AUTO-CAR RACING
How does a certified semi-famous blog mogul spend his weekends? Relaxing at the dragstrip, naturally, where all good mulletted fellows gather for spirited bonhomie and a sinus-load of nitro fumes. Here are a few photos I took at last week's NHRA Nationals, while my faithful manservant Duane fended off papparazzi and autograph hounds...
ADVERTISE, YOU BASTARDS
Despite my worldwide renown, I have been unsuccessful in securing advertising sponsorship -- as my sad, plaintive BlogAds button attests. Why? Because blogosphere bullies like Andrew Sullivan are trying to crush out the competition by touting their readers' upscale demographics. Well, lah-ti-freakin'-dah. I bet 35% of my readers make over $100,000 per year, at least, in Jupiter time units. For more fascinating facts about iowahawk readers, go here.
Whatever the case, it's important for good Americans -- and also good Icelandish and good New Zealandians -- to stand up to the tyranny of foreign illegal multinational bloglomerate cartels like Sully. Strike a blow for Freedom! Buy an ad here.
Plus, you'd be suprised at the crap you can sell.