Report: Bush "Not Killed" in 'Nam

[ed. note - It's all about AWOL, stupid! The DNC's undefeated electoral genius Terry McAuliffe has ressurected a retro classic as campaign issue Numero Uno. The brouhaha propted me to hose off this dealie that I wrote for CNS in July 1999.]

Austin, TX - In a shocking report that threatens to shake up the nascent 2000 presidential campaign, the Los Angeles Times reported Friday that Texas Governor George W. Bush "failed to die, or even sustain critical combat injuries" while a pilot for the Texas National Guard during the Vietnam War.

The blockbuster disclosure was only one of a number of embarrassing revelations uncovered in the Times report, the news of which continues to reverberate through Washington. "If true, these charges immediately call into question Mr. Bush's fitness for office," said Democratic National Committee Chairman Roy Romer. "I can only hope that the American people will see the hypocrisy of a non-casualty running for our country's highest elective office."

The front-page expose was the result of a six-month, $82 million investigation by the Times, which uncovered a raft of unseemly details about the GOP frontrunner's mysterious past. "We were tipped off that Bush had a lot of skeletons in his closet, but nothing of this magnitude," said staff writer Richard Serrano, who compiled the 85,000-word story.

According to Serrano, the investigative staff at the Times became interested in the story late last year, when the Texas governor's name was first floated as a possible candidate for the 2000 GOP presidential nomination. "It was somewhat odd - he was extremely evasive about answering questions about his past or his personal life," noted Serrano. "Even innocuous questions about his personal hygiene and teenage masturbation habits seemed to make him squirm."

The Times staff became more inquisitive after Bush formally declared his candidacy, when they received a series of anonymous tips from their Washington Bureau. "Our DC team uncovered some very juicy Bush tidbits while giving Sidney Blumenthal his complementary weekly pedicure," explained Serrano. "We knew then the story was just too big to keep the lid on."

What they found, according to Serrano, was "explosive."

"After hundreds of interviews, we were unable to identify a single instance of then-airman Bush being shot down by the Viet Cong, or even fragged by his own men," said Serrano. "What's more, after returning to civilian life, Bush failed to go on a psychotic killing rampage, become a homeless drifter or even poignantly kill himself by swimming out to sea. This stands in stark contrast to the typical experience of most Vietnam veterans. At least in the movies I've seen."

While the Times was unable to identify any illegalities, Serrano said that the facts "are suggestive of favoritism and special treatment" for Bush.

"Oddly, this son of a Texas congressman was able to luxuriate in the decadent opulence of a Houston Air National Guard base, while poor boys were forced to do the dangerous work - wading through the rice paddies of southeast Asia, or leading exhausting protest marches at Oxford," added Serrano.

FUNKY TOWN

Beyond the Vietnam favoritism, the Times story revealed other uncomfortable secrets in Bush's closely concealed past. After the Vietnam conflict, the nation turned to drug-and-disco fueled hedonism during the 1970s. Bush was no stranger to the debauchery, according to the Times.

"We reported several eyewitness accounts of Bush attending a Lubbock-area discotheque in or around 1978," said Serrano. "We have obtained photos of what appears to be Bush wearing a Quiana shirt, powder blue 'elephant bell' polyester pants, and a puka shell necklace."

The embarrassments did not stop with his clothing. On several occasions, according to the report, Bush was seen wildly gyrating to the pulsating disco beat. "Apparently, his dancing was atrocious," said Serrano. "He was unable to execute the Hustle or the Bus Stop, let alone a decent Funky Chicken."

The wild disco days of the seventies were legendary as much for their sex-and-drug profligacy as for the music. Here, Bush's past once again provided a rich lode of data for the Times staff.

"Our local investigative staff found some very interesting clues about Governor Bush's sexual history," said Serrano. "He was able to track down a man in Odessa, Texas, who once worked as an oilfield roughneck for Mr. Bush. In this man's garage, he has a cardboard box containing Playboy magazines from 1973-1975 which he claims Governor Bush gave him prior to Bush's wedding."

While a special Justice Department task force has yet to conclusively identify Bush's fingerprints or DNA on the magazines, Serrano defended the Times' decision to publish the allegation. "Even unconfirmed, we felt it was important to report the Playboy charges," he said. "Many people would be disturbed by the notion of a deviant potentially rising to the presidency."

PURPLE HAZE

More disturbing for the Bush team, the Times uncovered shocking evidence of the candidate's wild drug binges during his single days. "Apparently, the boredom of West Texas just got to him," said Serrano. "It started with a little experimentation - Bayer, Excedrin, Vivarin. Pretty soon it was on to the hard stuff - Vic's VapoRub, Pepto-Bismol, Murine, you name it. He would try to justify it to his friends, claiming the drugs 'made him feel better.' But he was in over his head. Bush eventually developed a $100 a year habit."

Bush's early experiments with chemical-induced euphoria eventually tapered off after he met his future wife Laura, then a West Texas schoolteacher. "She did help him kick his chronic Alka-Seltzer problem," explained Serrano. "But she was an ideological, hard-charging kindergarten teacher who brought her own set of baggage."

According to Serrano, the newlywed couple was soon entangled in a series of complicated - and suspicious - financial transactions. "We found records that the Bushes were involved in an unusual real estate deal, which experts call a 'mortgage,'" he said.

"The details are a little complicated, but in 1981 the Bushes were able to secure a $114,000 loan from a federally-insured savings and loan, for the ostensible purpose of 'buying a house,'" said Serrano. "In return, they were only required to pay the savings and loan a nominal monthly sum, about $850 per month."

"It remains unclear what influence the savings and loan was trying to buy with the sweetheart loan deal, but the Bushes pocketed a hefty $32,000 when the house was sold in 1987," added Serrano. "Even more brazenly, they immediately set up another 'mortgage' scam on their new house."

The family's shady financial dealings were propelled largely by Laura Bush, according to Serrano. "We found records that Mrs. Bush set up a series of secret accounts, which tax officials refer to as 401-ks. Some of their income was funneled directly into these accounts for the sole purpose of keeping it from the IRS."

Inexplicably, published records also show that in 1992, Mrs. Bush was able to turn a $300 profit in the highly speculative "mutual fund" market in less than nine months, using an initial investment of less than $4,000.

"Mrs. Bush attributed her windfall to reading the Wall Street Journal, but that seems hard to believe," said Serrano. "There is speculation that the mutual fund company was trying to fix the outcome of Texas Rangers baseball games in some sort of gambling scheme."

THE FIRST BITCH

Mrs. Bush was quickly embroiled in another scandal, with the failure of her "Managed Christmas Party Plan" in 1996. "It was a fiasco," said Serrano. "She tried to single-handedly reinvent the entire Christmas Party system, which accounted for one-third of the entire governor's mansion entertainment budget. She was in over her head."

Again chastised, Mrs. Bush faded into the background. Serrano said that Mrs. Bush was, by all accounts, "deeply embittered" by the experience.

"In the words of one of our sources, Laura Bush is one mean, vindictive bitch," said Serrano. "She longs for the power, the limelight, the gigantic tea-social budget. And she won't let anything get in her way."

According to the Times story, Mrs. Bush's embitterment was fueled in part by her husband's growing infidelity. "It's an open secret around Austin," said Serrano. "Mr. Bush often sneaks out on his wife to visit the local bass-fishing holes."

The governor's promiscuous fishing habits at one time infuriated the Texas first lady, said Serrano. "She used to fly into a jealous rage every time he came home with bass gut on his shirt. The pain, the embarrassment, the laundry bills were too much. Now she just doesn't care."

"Lake Travis, Lake Buchanan, the Perdenales, the list goes on," said Serrano, listing the governor's conquests. "'Fish 'em and leave 'em' was Bush's motto. According to a disgruntled former member of his staff, Mr. Bush even used Texas Department of Public Safety troopers to secure hot new fishing spots for his personal pleasure."

"By all accounts, Mr. Bush's fishing lust is insatiable," added Serrano. "It's really rather odd, given that he has such a cheap, small, bent pole."

At the campaign headquarters of the presumptive Democratic nominee Albert Gore, spokesman Robert Squire said the vice president was strangely dismissive of the Bush revelations. "Look, I bet if you go into the vice president's background, you'll find a lot of juicy, sinful stuff too," said Squire.

The Gore camp's decision to downplay the Bush story took many reporters by surprise, but former Clinton adviser Dick Morris offered an explanation.

"I've seen the latest internal polling," he said. "Since the scandal story broke, Bush has picked up 25 points among Clinton fans."

Comments

[lauraw]

Somebody from Bush's Guard unit is finally putting that dumb AWOL rumor to rest- though I presume the press will try to excoriate him.

http://www.washtimes.com/op-ed/20040210-082910-8424r.htm

[rabidfox]

You know, Iowahawk, if you were to post that at DU I suspect that some of the regulars would bite.