New BBC Chair Benny Hill Vows Staff Jiggle-Up

London - New acting BBC Chairman Benny Hill today promised sweeping reforms at the embattled national broadcaster, following the release of the Hutton report that prompted several high-level resignations.

"From now on laddie, when we sex up a report, we're really going to sex it up," said Hill.

Hill said that starting Monday, the revamped BBC news policy would require all reports to be "triple-sourced for accuracy, loaded up with naughty bits, filmed in fast motion, and scored to Boots Randolph music before broadcast."

It was a stunning denouement to a story of intrigue and suicide that has embroiled the media and political classes in Britain for over a year. In his report, Lord Hutton cleared the government of Prime Minister Tony Blair of any wrongdoing in the apparent suicide of Dr. David Kelly, alleged source of a BBC Today program report that Downing Street had deliberately exaggerated Iraqi weapons claims.

Blair welcomed the report's conclusions, saying that "I simply ask that those that have repeated these scurrilous lies to now kiss my ministerial white arse."

While vindicating Downing Street, the Hutton inquiry report laid out a devastating array of criticisms against BBC news practices including the use of unverifyable sources, fabricating quotes, inventing evidence, gross bias, incompetence and "an appalling lack of buxom birds cavorting in their knickers."

The scathing report quickly led to the resignation of embattled Chairman Gavyn Davies. In his resignation statement Davies defended the BBC news division, and dismissed Lord Hutton's charges of "rampant arrogance" as "exactly the sort of thing you might expect to hear from that sort of person."

BBC director general Greg Dyke said the corporation was "ready to let bygones be bygones," and promised to work closely with new chairman Hill.

"We look forward to re-establishing the BBC as the world's most admired news operation," he said. "And, with chairman Hill at the reins, we will redouble our zany, madcap chases of license fee scofflaws."

Andrew Gilligan, the BBC reporter whose story was the catalyst for the scandal, had no comment on the Hutton inquiry's conclusions. He was last seen at the BBC's costume center in London, being fit for a German beer wench outfit.

Comments

[RichInOC]

I dreamed I saw Benny Hill last night,
Alive as you or me,
Says I, "But Benny, you're ten years dead."
"I never died," says he,
"I never died," says he.

"In London, Benny," says I to him,
Him standing by my bed,
"They found you dead of a heart attack."
Says Benny, "But I ain't dead,"
Says Benny, "But I ain't dead."

"That wayward blood clot killed you, Benny,
"It stopped your heart," says I.
"Takes more than a clot to kill a man,"
Says Benny, "I didn't die,"
Says Benny, "I didn't die."

And standing there as big as life
And smiling with his eyes
Benny says, "What that blood clot didn't kill
"Went on to scandalize,
"Went on to scandalize."

"Benny Hill ain't dead," he says to me,
"Benny Hill ain't never died.
"Where naughty lads are out for laughs,
"Benny Hill is at their side,
"Benny Hill is at their side."

"From Sydney up to Stockholm town
"On every dale and hill
"Where buxom lasses show off their curves
Says he, "you'll find Benny Hill,"
Says he, "you'll find Benny Hill."

I dreamed I saw Benny Hill last night,
Alive as you or me.
Says I, "But Benny, you're ten years dead."
"I never died," says he,
"I never died," says he.

[iowahawk]

*sniff*

That was beautiful, Rich. Just beautiful.

[Tongue Boy]

"BBC director general Greg Dyke said the corporation was "ready to let bygones be bygones," and promised to work closely with new chairman Hill."

Apparently, Benny didn't want to work with him:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A60232-2004Jan29.html

titter, titter, chortle, chortle...