MoDo Phones It In

[ed. note - how many times can Maureen Dowd jump the shark? To answer that question, I went dumpster diving outside the New York Times offices yesterday, and located the first draft of her latest column.]

THAT 80's SHOW

by MAUREEN DOWD

WASHINGTON — Gag me with a Spoon! The Fresh Prince of Smirkville smirked with such gnarly break-dancing enthisiasm, that one is hard pressed to find the appropriate 1987 pop culture reference. Who's the guy's political consultant — Adrian Zmed? He was so in-your-face, smirking his trademark smirk, it was disturbing to think of that trademark in-your-facial smirkery in charge of military Top Guns like Tom "Maverick" Cruise. It's a good thing he stopped drinking and started talking about God. Frankie says Relax Don't Do It.

You wonder how many votes he scared off with that testosteronical Thriller video: the taunting Apollo Creed self-righteous geographic litany of support? The Philippines. Thailand. Italy. Spain. Poland. Denmark. Bulgaria. Ukraine. Romania. The Netherlands. Norway. El Salvador. A Cage Au Folles of mincing metrosexual girly states like England and Australia.

Can you believe President Bush is still pushing the whackadoodle claim that we went to war in Iraq with a real coalition rather than his Haircut 100 flaming Flock of Seagulls and cockamamie cockatiels?

His State of the Union address took his swaggersmiriking Indiana Bush snarkery to new heights. "America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country," he vowed.

Translation: Hey, we don't need no stinking piece of paper to bring it on in other countries. If it feels good, we'll do it, and we'll decide later why we did it. You lookin' at me? I'm with Stupid. Mama Mia, that's a Spicy Meat-a Ball. We are Two Wild and Ca-razy Guys!

Sure, Howard Dean was also over the top when he uttered the squeal heard round the world. With one guttural primary primal scream, he went from Internet deity to Mean Dean The Dancing Machine, also-ran of the Iowa Gong Show, and not even Chuck Barris himself could put Humpty Deanty's Rubiks Cube together again.

Yes, Howard, you know you're in trouble when Gene Rayburn of Match Game '75 says you make him look like Password's Allen Lunt. As Bruce Boxleitner's character said in "Tron": Game Over. Now the Defender is up Pac Man Creek in New Hampshire, without an Atari 2600 to paddle his Asteroids with.

Once Michael Dukakis got in trouble when he failed to get angry when asked how he would react if his wife were raped and murdered.

I once posed the same question to Michael Douglas, and that's when he filed that restraining order.

But Republicans were thrilled when Mr. Bush struttily sauntered up smirkstage on Tuesday night to basically tell the country that if you don't vote for him in November, he's going to track you down in your jobless recovery spiderholes. "We've not come all this way — through tragedy, and trial and war — only to falter and leave our work unfinished," he asserted, as if all those Democrats racing from Iowa to New Hampshire in the middle of the night were crying out to the voters: "Falter! Falter! Oregon and Washington! YHEEEARRGHHGHGH!!"

(Hold on to you hats, because in the next sentence I am going to unleash some of the clever urbane word-fu punditry that made me toast of the Upper West Side.)

Dr. Dean's poll numbers are diving because people freezing in New Hampshire think he's too hot.

(Phewww, now that's some kickass OpEd insight. But wait! Now here's comes the Pulitzer money shot paragraph.)

But President Fonzie and his Neocon Sweathogs are better at looking cool. But their dissing the U.N. — that Arnold's Drive-In of permission slips — and their doctrine of pre-emption are just as hot. So was Mr. Bush's cocky defense of the idea that if you whack one Middle East dictator, the rest will fall in line. Obviously President Coolsmirk thinks that the American coed is turned on by his hot cockamamie cocky whacking.

Maybe he's right, but what about Bill Clinton's line that "the way to a woman's heart is through her mouth"? The president and vice president like to present a calm, experienced demeanor, but their foreign policy is right out of the let's-out-crazy-the-bad-guys style of William Shatner in T.J. Hooker or even Cop Rock.

For proof of how intemperate their policy has been, compare this year's State of the Union with last year's. Last year it was all about Iraq's frightening weapons. This year the only reference was to "dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations."

Would Americans have supported a war to go get "program activities?" What is a program activity? Where is the White House speechwriters' ombudsman? Where's the Beef? Who Loves Ya, Baby? Where is Waldo? Who Shot J.R.? Who hid my progesterine?

Comments

[AxL]

Hmmm...I think you hit them all except for:

I want my MTV!

It doesn't get more totally 80's (and therefore "retro cool") than that.

[iowahawk]

Maybe, but when MoDo drops 80s pop culture references she isn't being "ironic." I'm guessing she's the only woman in NY who still wears leg warmers.

[MonkeyPants]

'hawk, you didn't really take a fistful of Oxycontin and a quart of cheap gin to write this, did you?

You nailed MoDo's style so well, that's why I ask.

[iowahawk]

Oxycontin? Never touch the stuff. I'm a strict vicodin and Annie Green Springs guy.

[Sortelli]

A golden shining gem of fabulosity. Your socks are totally woofed and warped, man!

[scaramouche]

What, no Dukes of Hazzard reference? Seriously though, you've captured the essence of la Dowd so well that once again I must ask: Who in the NYT hierarchy is this woman sleeping with to retain her favored position (ahem) on the OP/ED page?

[Dirk Diggler]

"Who in the NYT hierarchy is this woman sleeping with to retain her favored position (ahem) on the OP/ED page?"

Good question. I just read the whiny, juvenile piece which inspired Iowahawk's latest creation. MoDo must be a virtuoso when it comes to fellatio.

[Eric Deamer]

Would it kill ya to get "Rock me Amadeus" in there next time

[George Turner]

What amazes me is that someone actually pays her to write that stuff. It would be cute in a high-school newspaper, but for a paper read by adults? I can guess what she wrote in her high-school yearbook.

"I want to grow up to write an inane, spiteful, very shallow column for a major American newspaper, which everyone will read just to get irritated with my stupidity."

[Steve]

No, even more amazing is that I work with people who lap up every word she pens.