A Taxonomic Theorem By Which I Shall Explain the Pathological Phenomenon of Bush Tolerance

[ed. note - Charles Johnson at LGF posts a link a Seattle Post-Intelligencer commentary by one Neal Starksman. This was such an absolute gem of pitch-perfect obnoxious Left condescension, that I was at first tempted to just leave it alone. Then V the K and Dean Douthat egged me on, so here's the old college try.]

Millions of words have been written as to the motivations of voters, according to my dog-eared copy of The Annual Review of the Number of Words Written As To The Motivation of Voters. Particularly in close elections, as in the 2000 presidential contest, pundits and laypeople alike have speculated on why people voted for whom, and especially whom people who end their sentences in "who" may have voted for, and why. And, also perhaps, where and when from whom these votes were cast, and how? The exit poll has been a major tool in this speculation.

But the major tool of exit polling is insufficiently utile in this regard, and also as to this end. None of the so-called "theories" have thus far provided a compelling explanation as to the astonishing pathological phenomenon which we, in the intellectual community, have come to label as "Bush Tolerance Syndrome." In order to understand this obvious voter sociopathy, what we need is an even-more major tool. And, in this regard, I believe I can be that major tool.

What can explain his popularity? Can that many people be enamored of what he has accomplished in Iraq? Of how he has fortified our constitutional freedoms with the USA Patriot Act? Of how he has bolstered our economy? Of how he has protected our environment? Of how perhaps they've been impressed with the president's personal integrity and of how the articulation of his grand vision for America? Of how I am actually being sarcastic?

Of how is that likely?

Granted, there are certain subclusters of the American polity that have substantially benefited from this presidency. Millionaires and charismatic Christians have accrued either material or spiritual fortification from Bush's administration. To be certain, the plutocratic gentry may find their new government issue diamond-tipped swagger sticks useful for thwacking the skulls of starving street urchins. Gibbering, snake handling bible thumpers are now free to enjoy bombing libraries and family planning clinics. But surely these two groups are a but a small minority of the population. What, then, can account to the significant accrual of so many otherwise normal "people" being so supportive of the president?

The answer, I'm afraid, is the factor that dare not babble its name. It's the factor that no one talks about. The pollsters don't ask it, the media don't report it, the voters don't discuss it.

I, however, will blare out its name so that at last people can address the issue and perhaps adopt strategies to overcome it, and, by so blaring, will shine the blaring noise of reason on the subject as to cause those who have profited from the aforesaid factor to slink away in shame, knowing that their "jig" is proverbially "up".

It's the "Stupid factor," the S factor: Let's face facts: some people: sometimes: through no fault of their own: are just not very bright. Ahh, yes, mmm. There it is. Goddamn, gentle reader, does it not feel intellectually rewarding to get that off one's chest? Americans are mostly retards. Fucking WalMart retards.

It's not merely that some people are insufficiently intelligent to grasp the nuances of foreign policy, of constitutional law, of verb conjugation, of Post Modernism, of Balinese finger puppetry, of interpretive dance, and/or/of the variegated complex intellectual interplay of humans and the environment and faculty merit review committees, and the complicity of Chimpy the Texas Wonder Nazi in 9-11. These aren't the people I'm referring to. The people I'm referring to cannot understand the phenomenon of cause and effect. They drool and stare into space and love tax cuts. They're perplexed by issues, and stymied by complexity, and confused by variegated nuances. They are frightened by the muse, and are driven to anger and fury whenever they hear the dulcet sounds of a lyre or lute emanating from the Renaissance Faire. They drive SUVs and talk in advertising jingles. They have not the wherewithal to expand the sources of their information, and never check 'Mother Jones' or 'Utne Reader' on their PTA magazine fundraiser card. They do not live in Seattle. They know nothing of the creative arts: nor public transit: nor the stark beauty of the diacritical remark. And above all -- far above all -- and there is absolutely no two ways to consider otherwise, so don't even go there -- they don't think. Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.

They have so filled my heightened sense of aesthetics with pitious loathing, that I must now excuse myself to vomit.

Phewwww. I am back, and have cleansed my vomitous palate with a glass of Lanjaron.

Yes, you know these people; they're all around you (obviously they're not you, or else you would not be reading this article this far: instead, you would have long since retreated to your rec room, curled into a fetal ball in front of Fox News, your child-like faith in BusHitler having been shaken by this article's unstoppable tour de force of hard-hitting logic and impactful punctuation featuring colons and semicolons). Yes, they're the ones who keep the puerile shows on TV which I refuse to watch, who appear as regular recipients of the Darwin Awards (which, while peurile, was an enjoyable TV show on a purely ironic level, and was ironically canceled because not enough stupid people watched it), raise our insurance rates by doing dumb things on America's Funniest Crotch Accidents, who generally make life much more miserable for all the rest of the cast on Misery Island IV. Sad to say, they comprise a substantial minority -- perhaps even a majority -- of the populace. Perhaps it is too late for us with the misfortune to be born with the capacity for sentient thought, as 86% of recent studies show that 53% of the population is in the lowest 5th percentile of mental reasoning.

Politicians have been aware of this forever, stretching back to dawn of the physical universe. They offer simplistic solutions to complex problems, when what these complex problems actually need complicated explanations. They evade directed questions with non-sequiturs. They offer meaningless, jingoistic pap instead of thoughtful policy. And these people, the "S" people, eat it all up with a ladle. "Here are your num-nums, 'S' people! Num-num pre-emptive strikes! Yummy yummy tax cut pablum! Whooosh! Open up wide, here comes the Mr. Jingoistic Airplane into the pap hangar!"

Dr. Howard Dean has put out an important white paper on the appaling gullibility issue, which can be downloaded from www.howarddean.com for a small campaign e-donation.

I don't have a solution to this problem. To claim I did would belie my previous arguments, and besides I am more of a "big picture" strategy person. But I do have some modest suggestions that might provide a start for discussion: (1) a literacy test to earn the right to vote; (2) that includes sufficient use of colons and semicolons; (3) a three-significantly-stupid-or-no-realizing-cause-and-effect-behaviors-and-you're-out law; (4) more-voter-tests-on-using-hyphens laws: (5) fines and deportation for politicians and TV representatives who pander to, and perpetuate, and provide breeding permission to, this filthy lowest common denominator of "humans." Let's get cracking, Democracy!

It's well past time that people confront this issue, no matter who's offended. We are on the way to becoming a nation of imbeciles. I'm certain that a plethora of "George W. Bush" jokes is already being circulated in every capital of the world. Not only is this a national embarrassment, but it will likely prompt "George W. Bush" into an imperialist murder spree when he finds out that intellectually superior indigeneous peoples are snickering behind his back. To stop this nightmare we must stop the "George W. Bush" and his zombie legion of imbecile empowerers.

Let's start talking. Let's gather around Let's bring the "S" factor out of the closet and into the daylight where we can all see it, gulp at its hideousness, and finally make serious attempts at wiping it out. Let us print exposes in our local AltWeeklies, sound the alarm at NPR, spread the word at DU and bartcop and smirkingchimp. Let us dream of a Final Solution!

If you are a Bush supporter and still made it to the previous paragraph, I was obviously being cleverly wry and satirical. Sheesh, like you haven't fantasized about putting your enemies into a corral.

Does anyone know I might get vomit stains out of a tunic?

Comments

[Mr. Green]

Please stop being funnier than I am.

Or, if you can't bring yourself to do that, at least email me some stuff I can slap my name on and post on my blog.

Oh, all right. Selfish bastard.

[Larry Sharp]

It's been a while since I read anything so spot-on the truth of the matter. I think it was probably an early Hunter S. Thompson piece, but we were both far to stoned to realize it, and memory is often kinder than truth.

Just remarkable.

As an escaped Iowegain, recovered Catholic and reformed liberal Republican I salute your clear understanding of exactly how that shit-heel got in and remains in office.

Sadly, the chances of re-election are very high so keep the blade of your wit well honed, young lad!

[Kalb caD-di-nee]

Skewering completed. Go wipe off your blade mate.

[flyingspacemonkey]

Duhhhhh, your site needs more pictures, yes more pretty, pretty pictures, less words, less big scary words, like peurile and colon.

Woops, Gotta go, my Bible needs thumping, the cash that's stuffed in it keeps falling out.

[Spiny Norman]

Thanks for making me spill my coffee. You realize, of course, had you submitted this the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (and the New York Times, and the LA Times, the Boston Globe...) would've probably run it, nodding knowingly and blissfully unaware.

[David]

Mr. Green is apparently too stupid to know parody when he sees it.

[iowahawk]

David - author's name is listed below the post.

[Shtetl G]

Did you actually change anything from the original article? It's hard to tell. Mr. Starkman has my early vote for Asshat of the New Year.

[youcancallmemeyer]

"They drool and stare into space and love tax cuts"

Mmmmmmmmm, tax cuts.

I'm trying to think if Oz has produced a bigger idiot than Howard Dean.

Nope, sorry.

How did my most equally admired foreign country produce such an asshat? And Israel has Peres - go figure.

[Tom Saunders]

Even someone as stuipd as I knows that this is not a real openion peice. There not a single line referring to the throbbing/pounding/rythmic/beating Drums of War! Nor does it quote U.S. troops going into battle shouting "For God, Empire, and Oil!"

[Lurch]

And here I thought most of the ignorant masses voted Democrat.

The Democrat Party is supposedly the party of the little guy and the great unwashed. To be perfectly honest, the little guy and the great unwashed tend to be a bit, well, dumb. It follows logically that if the claim that the Democrat party is the party of aforementioned groups, the dumbest humans reside in said party.

Take Florida, 2000. The Democrat Party created a new ballot in some county, I don't recall which, called the Butterfly Ballot. Apparently the forces sent by the DNC to try and steal the election complained that the ballot was too complicated and hurt Democrat Voters. Apparently Republican Voters had no difficulty with said ballot.

Then there is the hanging chad issue. If you aren't intelligent enough to check for hanging chad, then you are apparently too stupid to vote.
Again, most of the complaining about the chad was from... you guessed it, the Democratic voters and the DNC.

Then of course the argument that card punch ballots would disenfranchise Minority voters leads us to believe that Minority voters tend to be equally stupid as Florida Democrats. Being a minority myself, I just chuckle at that argument. You'd have to be stupid to buy the argument put forward by the ACLU and the DNC.

By these examples, I think it's safe to say, that America's most ignorant voters reside in the Democrat Party. How else did Billy Jeff become president for 2 terms? The obvious answer is dumb voters.

[Lurch]

It's apparent that I have rented the word 'apparent' and am trying to get my money's worth. My apologies for being dumb.

[Dean Douthat]

I'm ever so proud of my egging on, as is, I expect V the K.

Thank you for a super job -- again.

I'm glad you retained the "fortified Constitution" from the original. I also greatly liked the "WalMart retards".

[DocJeff]

Your best so far, iowahawk. I soiled three Depends on this one.

"utile"! I love it.

[bender]

Someone didnt realize this was a parody. Great.

[Mr. Green]

David - No, it was an honest compliment and a joke.

I'll try to be more literal next time.

[WalmartRetard/MoronAmerican]

Huh? I don't get it. What's a Darwin? /

Iowahawk, have I told you lately that you rule!?

[Right Wing Conspirator]

Good job iowahawk. The scary thing is that this wasn't that far off from what was printed in the 'reputable' newspaper. Looky looky ma and pa, I used scare quotes. I'll be a liberal yet I tells ya.

[Korora]

M****cript! Beverage alert!

[williston]

There is a huge difference between intelligence and wisdom. Perhaps you
have some of the former, but you have none of the latter.

[Kate Faber's underwear]

Someone said in the first few replies:

"Woops, Gotta go, my Bible needs thumping, the cash that's stuffed in it keeps falling out."

I'm glad it's going to be a bible your thumping and not the Koran.....

[George Turner]

So right Williston!

Those evil right wingers may be intelligent, evidenced by the fact that they seem to have all the power and money, but they certainly don't possess wisdom.

Why they can't even grasp the basic tennets of socialism! If only they'd open a book from the recommended reading list posted at MoveOn.Org, which advises

"Recommended to get you started are: The Communist Manifesto, Karl Marx Capital, Karl Marx Theories of Social Inequality: Classical and Contemporary Perspectives, Edward G. Grabb"

But these silly right wing tools lack the wisdom to see that 170 million people killed under socialism just means true socialism hasn't been implemented yet! We need yet another experiment and they're standing in our way!

We need to start with literacy tests for voters, just like in the good old days when the DNC ruled the South!

[11A5S]

Thanks, George. I thought that I was the only guy to pick up on the literacy test reference. That Neal Starkman didn't know that literacy tests had been used to disenfranchise black voters in the Jim Crow era speaks volumes about his intelligence.

[spongeworthy]

I can't wait to get you oh-so-superior latte-suckers in my reeducation camp I'm going to open with all the money I'm saving on taxes.

I may be stupid, but you'll kneel and grovel.

Wait and see.

[chris hall]

man that's a knee-slapper!
i'd love to read a similar lampooning of the writings of renana brooks (see URL).