Charles Johnson at LGF links to a report of that Al Qaeda has been sending mash letters to President Bush. I did a little investigative dumpster diving, and located the first draft.
Dear Crusading Usurper:
How are you? We are fine. Ha ha for you again! Don’t ever think that your crusading "orange alert" and "blue light specials" system will help you although you know very well that even "severe is less than the situation you are in" and that "better deals at Costco are to be had." Nothing will help you but delivering our demands and as soon as possible, and you know that this is to mean next day UPS, and do not even think about "Bill to Recipient" for we will send another invoice for this. Also, make sure to use plenty of bubble wrap.
Your arrogance and childish tantrums of dictatorship are leading you directly to the cave of darkness, which in there will be no singing animatronical children of "It Is A Small World." And make no mistake, this cave will not be a neat split-level cave like in your childish infidel fantasy Bedrock, with mastadon showers and prehistoric pig garbage disposals. Do not think that even your invisible friend Gazoo can help you!
We have not seen a single step that reflects any wise and logic thinking of any sort, unless you somehow think humiliations of the Islamic peoples are "wiseful and "logicful." You are fooling yourself and the American cave people, making them believe that you can defend them with Mountain Dew Code Red, when you know very well that you’re totally helpless before our unbeatable demands.
Are you really still wondering if we have weapons of mass destruction? That is for us to know, and your people to find out! Why are you lying to your people, Bush? Tell them what you know, we bet you to tell them what you and the administration know. We double-dog bet you to tell them. The over-under is 32. Tell them "‘we have been losing all the wars with al Qaeda since they ever started." Tell them that al Qaeda is simply unbeatable! We are 6-1, and #6 in the latest Sagarin power ratings! Tell them that your D is completely overrated! Tell them you are OWNED, dude! You are leading your nations into total destruction, and time is slipping away from under our hands. And by "our hands," I of course mean your hands because it would actually be you saying this, as I was obviously writing this as you in the third person. Al Qaeda rulez!
In case you may have misplaced the original demands, here are the demands:
1. Stop invading Islamic lands anywhere in the world! 'Nuff said.
2. Return all stolen Muslim money, in gold not in any kind of money note, and no Target gift cards either.
3. The returning of the old borders known to you, and we press on the northern borders, and southward to the new Barnes & Noble.
4. Release of all our prisoners in your jails whom you know and we know only. If we know them only and you don't, then release these prisoners too. If you know them, and we don't, then I guess that's your call.
5. The dismantle of the so called United Nations and replacing with a the new Jets stadium, in which we are to have a skybox with prayer rug.
6. Mountain Dew Code Red.We will give you a prior few minutes notice before our blessed attack so that you will be able to TiVo it on your crudader DishNetwork. We would be by then have passed the skies of the seventh sky to heaven and your nation to the fires of hell! L8R Loozr!
SUX 2-B-U,
Daleel Almo
That's about right...
LOL
Posted by: Kathy K | December 29, 2003 at 02:57 PM
Your best ever!
Posted by: zulubaby | December 29, 2003 at 02:59 PM
:-D
Good work iowahawk.
Posted by: evariste | December 29, 2003 at 03:15 PM
I think someone's been doing a bit *too* much MDCR...
Posted by: cirby | December 29, 2003 at 07:17 PM
Very nice work....Thanks for giving me another good bookmark for my morning review..
Austin
Posted by: Austin from Boston | December 29, 2003 at 09:27 PM
you missed the postscript:
p.s. vote Dean!
Posted by: baby jake | December 29, 2003 at 11:03 PM
WHAT YOU SAY!!
Posted by: RichInOC | December 30, 2003 at 02:37 AM
SOME ONE SET UP US THE BOMB!!
(Hey Rich - good to see you drop by)
Posted by: iowahawk | December 30, 2003 at 07:45 AM
"If you know them, and we don't, then I guess that's your call."
It's the little things, these type of asides, that bust me up, bro.
bgt
Posted by: spongeworthy | December 30, 2003 at 07:46 AM
Aha! And good to see you too, spongetabby. There's a car review waiting for you in the archives.
Posted by: iowahawk | December 30, 2003 at 08:48 AM