Why I Am a Democrat

[ed. note - today's burnt offering in the Satire Clearance is this 2000 CNSNews thingy, my entry in a DNC essay contest.]

I sometimes hear the question, "Why are you a Democrat?" and frankly, I have to laugh. Laugh and laugh, because perhaps this person may tire of my laughing, and he will eventually wander off. Sometimes I ponder seriously when I hear this question, because I'll look around and around and there's nobody there asking the question. Why am I a Democrat?

I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.

I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I'm a little short this week.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.

I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their "special room" you too will agree that tolerance is critical.

I am a Democrat because I believe that we should take our noses out of other people's bedrooms. I say we move the noses to their banks and storage sheds and scout troops, and so forth.

I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don't even get me started about that damn Internet business.

I am a Democrat because I recognize that education is important. Very, very, extremely very important. We must increase spending on education and enact important education reforms, such as eliminating standardized tests. Because we can never hope to measure this beautiful, elusive, important thing we call education.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the separation of church and state. We must stop the religious extremists who want school-sanctioned prayers. Now, you tell me - with all that chanting and praying and incense-burning going on, how can our kids concentrate on the big condom-and-banana midterm?

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rights of women, be they lawyers or housewives or skanky interns. For too long women have been the victims of discrimination, and we must target programs to help these women, and also the various people who have descended from women.

I am a Democrat because I believe in women's right to choose. I mean, not a church school or a tax shelter, or something like that, obviously. Let's be reasonable.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the rule of law. Or, at least, lawyers. Because hey, according to my attorney, I could have been on the Number 7 bus when it crashed yesterday. As far as you know.

I am a Democrat because I believe a healthy economy depends on good jobs at good wages. So fork 'em over, you fat bastard boss man.

I am a Democrat because I believe the government should step in to create good jobs when that fat bastard boss man moves my good job to Mexico. Hey, I know! Maybe we can take all the money that boss man spends on non-job-creating stuff, like solid gold yachts and mink spats, and use that money to create jobs.

I am a Democrat because I fear the power of giant unrestrained monopolies, such as Microsoft, Nike, Parker Brothers, Univac and the Erie Canal Company. The government must wage an unrelenting, all-out war to crush these scary monopolies to a pulp before they get too powerful.

I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Strong, yes, but caring and thoughtful too, and ready to face new challenges. A military that enjoys long strolls on the beach, cuddling in front of a warm fire, unafraid to show its vulnerable side. Must be NS/DDF.

I am a Democrat because I believe there is too much violence in society, especially in our schools. To avoid another Columbine tragedy, we should have mellow "rap" sessions with at-risk teens, such as the Goths. The violence will only end after the teen Goths see that we adults really care, and are "hip" to their groovy teen Goth scene.

I am a Democrat because I believe in campaign finance reform. Sadly, our politics are dominated by advertisements, paid for by the contributions of giant corporations. All too often, these drown out legitimate grassroots opinions, like the kind heard on TimeWarner-AOL-CNN, TimesCorp, or Disney-ABC.

I am a Democrat because I believe in public support of the arts. By "the arts," I of course mean those things made by, or excreted by, an artist of some sort. It is especially important that art be provocative and take controversial stances, like opposing Jesse Helms, and so on.

I am a Democrat because I believe in the environment and conservation. For instance, we must raise the price of gasoline, like they do in Europe, to increase conservation. If we don't, there will soon be a big gas shortage, and this will mean higher gasoline prices for you and me.

I am a Democrat because I detest greed. Especially the sickening greed of those who struck it rich in the 1980s, and greedily refuse to give me any of their stuff.

I am a Democrat because I... hey look! A new episode of Survivor! Geez, I hope they don't vote off Jenna, she's my favorite.

Comments

[Bryan]

Brilliant!

[Deb]

Hilarious! I posted this to my site as satire that isn't. I think you've captured the essence of these people perfectly

[Patrick Sennett]

Once again, funny funny shit. What is your Iowa home town?

[I'm not aWol]

Why I'm a RepubliThug -

I like to play big man chickenhawk warrior as I sit naked in front of my computer in mommy's basement. Blowing up diaper heads is good.

Blacks scare me because I have a tiny wee-wee.

Who needs a job anyway?

[RichInOC]

I'm not aWol, your challenging IowaHawk to a duel of wits is sort of like Al Ciccerelli telling Louie Barone "F**k you! I'll f**k you up the ass and I'll split you in two!". You clearly have no idea who you're messing with.

P.S.:

...the shit is big.

[I'm not aWol]

RichInOC,

Thanks for the heads-up, should I be on the lookout for Laura Bush's car?

[Pete]

Looks like I can never read Iowahawk again now that he's been so thoroughly shamed in his comments. AWOL, do you have a blog? I bet you're very funny!

Iowahawk: How did the essay do in the contest?

[john clark]

aWol, never engage in a battle of wits when you are so obviously unarmed.

[RichInOC]

No, but you probably ought not drive or operate heavy machinery.

[RichInOC]

A few further random observations:

1. I don't sit naked in front of my computer to play war. I sit naked in front of my computer to browse pictures of Brazilian Victoria's Secret models.

2. Diaper heads? I've seen some guys who look like they're wearing the tablecloth from a pizza parlor, but diapers? Baghdad Bob, maybe...Allah the Merciful knows he needs to hold the shit in.

3. I was particularly amused at the "who needs a job?" blast, as I not only have a job (as opposed to sitting naked in front of the computer, burning blunts, munching Krispy Kreme glazed and pleasuring myself to pictures of Howard Dean and Dennis Kucinich), but put in a full day on New Year's Eve.

[The Owners Manual]

IH, I shared this with FreeRepublic for you. Hope that's acceptabobble!
Great stuff.

gc

[Split-level Head]

re: Why I'm a RepubliThug

The nerve of those thug Republicans for defending the US from people who want to kill us all. Now excuse me, I see a boy scout praying and I have to call my laywer to take care of that right away

[rumcrook]

awol is obviously projecting ...smirk

the mommy refrence probably came to him as his mom hollered down the steps that it was time for bed...

[Johnny]

Some funny stuff but I still do not believe there should be school sponsored prayer. Prayer is an individual manner and God doesn't want us to force Him down peoples' throats.

[red clay]

like He would fit.

[Um Yeah]

Are you really a Democrat? None of that stuff made any sense to me.

[Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant]

Of course it didn't, Shitcliffe. It required something of which you're not capable: Thought.

[Joz]

Lame.

[Allen Smoke]

I am a republican for most of the same reasons. Except for the self serving ones that you mention. No one owes you a job, health care, or art at someone else’s expense. After all, why should I be forced to pay for a crucifix in urine in the name of art? Where are my rights to say what or what isn't art? Under a blanket of government support for the arts some one else determines what art is.

There is a difference in what the government should provide and what we as members of a civilized society should do for each other. We should care for each other in charitable and supporting manner. Education is paramount to our success as a civilization, so we should attend to our education and the education of those that come behind us.

But there are aspects of a caring community that should be the result of the direct intentions and will of the community. Not forced by government by those who are in power at the time.

For the record being a democrat does not mean you don't pollute the environment. There are just as many democrat running companies that dump crud in the water as republicans. You should always remember that in the end there is always someone who uses less electricity, oil, rubber & plastic products, animal goods, etc who thinks your a hypocrite because you use more than they. Of course there is someone who wears clothes made out of straw eating soy who thinks that person is a hypocrite.

Don’t come across all holier than thou. In the end ask yourself, are you a democrat because your parents were or because you believe that a government should provide material things for its citizens. If you believe the latter, you’re a socialist. The former and you are an idiot. Think about it, most people are brought up with certain beliefs: religion, political, ideals, ethics, prejudices, etc. you are programmed to a certain disposition, but at some point the intelligent sit down and ask the question: why? They ask, do I believe this because it is what I was taught or is it because it’s true? Do you ever listen to Republicans or just dislike them and dismiss their ideas because they are Republicans.

In the end, I like clean water, freedom, art and I want to be healthy living in a safe and clean community. I want peace and prosperity for all. I like working hard and giving it my all so that I keep my job because I earned it, not because the government has forced someone to make them keep me on. You wonder why Republicans and Democrats don’t get along. It’s because we don’t spend time listening to each others and discussing the issues, but instead rely on stereotypes of the other.

Excuse me for the rant and poor sentence structure. I am more lucid when I have had fewer beers> Regards

[George Bush]

I'm sorry being a democrat has nothing to do with giving someone a job and free health care. Everyone in this great county deserves a job with fair wages. Democrats do not want to create more jobs by increasing the federal workforce, they want to increase jobs in the private sector by providing tax breaks to corporations that keep their employees in this country and not sending them overseas. I think Healthcare should be a God given right that is for everyone not just the privildged few who can afford it, or who has it provided through their employer. Everyone deserves affordable healthcare, it doesn't matter if your a minority or how much you make. Also Democrats want to protect the freedom of religion by not endorsing and supporting and integrating religion in government. (Republicans want the USA to be just like Iran a Theocracy) I believe our military budget is to hgh. We need to trim Military budget and spend that money on our nations failing schools and improve access to college for all americans, regardless of your income. If you want to go to College the government should provide you with viable educational choices. That is what it means to be a Democrat.

By the way my parents are Republican, so I made a very intelligent choice to fight for everyone not just middle white america. (I'm also a white male thank you very much)

[jon]

personally im registered republican voted democrat this past election couldn't back a guy that has people under him that think outsourcing of job overseas is good for the american people and give tax breaks to corporations that already make so much money that they cant even spend it and definately wont be giving it out as a raise to there employees. take from the poor to give to the rich because they know how to get out of paying taxes on it with some help from bush.

[Dean]

You'll be pleased to know that after Mankiw spoke that particular truth he was run out of the administration.

There are companies that came back from the brink of bankruptcy after outsourcing some jobs; the remaining American workers would have lost their jobs if the outsourcing hadn't taken place. That aside, the benefits to the consumer almost always exceed the costs to employees who lose their jobs; no respectable economist, or even Paul Krugman, would disagree with Mankiw's statement.

Indeed, studies have suggested that Americans benefit more from outsourcing American jobs to India than Indians do.

Taxes shouldn't -- and, pace John Edwards, don't -- reward companies for these practices, but neither should they punish them.

[Lord Whorfin]

Bloody brilliant!!

By the way, what is DDF ?

George Bush:

I suppose everyone will have an above average salary?

[iowa-chicken-hawk]

I am a Republican, because I believe in a strong military. By keeping my weak ass out of the military, it is stronger by default. For those brave enough to have seen military action, like Bill O'Reilly, Bush continues to toughen them up with doubling of insurance premiums and cutting the VA budget.

And of course, when one of our soldiers does fall, we must hide their body's return from public view -- for it is shameful to see such incompetence.

I am a Republican, because the KKK is soooo 1950's.

I am a Republican, because this environmental science-thingy stuff really cramps my dividends, y'know? Do you know what other greedy Republicans are charging for their hazmat disposal services? I've got three words for those of you living near my plant's illegal dump site: "not my problem!" (God Bless Dubya's EPA.)

I'm a Republican, because it is required by Iowa state law. By God, us simple, cornfield folk know the meaning of bootstrap-pulling. Well, that, and suckling the teat of massive farming subsidies.

And finally, I'm a Republican because there is a huge difference between hard work and wealth... and one should NEVER lead to the other. God Bless regressive FICA taxes, offshore profit scams, maquiladoras, and Chinese slave/child labor... there is NOTHING more American than that.

Bush Bless These United States.