What, you thought you could get rid of me?
After another six month-long kick in the nuts from Ol' Man Winter, it's time to shake the dust off this blog and rev up for the 9th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In, the yearly online pageant where I and my readers celebrate the climate-correcting miracle of internal combustion, and honor Mother Earth - the Ultimate MILF®! Have a hot rod, custom, donk, murdersickle, autogyro or private tycoon oceanliner you want to enter? Smack that email link on the left and send 'er in. But be forwarned - the carbon competition is fierce! Rules:
- Submit a photo or video of your ride (preferably as a link), along with a pithy description, to the email link on the left using the subject line "Cruise In".
- Eligibility is open to fossil fuel-powered human conveyances (cars, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, spacecraft, etc.) and other devices at my discretion. E.g., an electric blender is not interesting; a blown Hemi-powered blender is.
- Please submit only those vehicles you personally own, or have stolen. I know many of you have pics of other people's cars, but this exhibition is about taking personal responsibility for the environment.
- If your vehicle was featured in last year's Cruise-In, please wait 'til next year to re-enter. Let's keep it fresh, people!
- Submission deadline Sunday, April 27.
I'll post daily updates starting Monday, and at the conclusion will select the worthiest as Grand Champion Carbonator. Now let's see those rides!
WEDNESDAY APRIL 23
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. 2012 Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise In Spirit Award winner Ed Roe of San Diego is back - with a vengeance:
Here's my 1950 Chevy Sedan Delivery, bought stock and owned for 25 years. Delivering nothing to nowhere with minimal efficiency. Chopped and bagged with 454 cubic inches .30 over with a cam, aluminum heads and 10.5/1 compression delivers plenty of the chemical compound CO2 that built this here planet (and that plants just crave!)
End-times zombie infestation? Minnesota's Carleton Fish says Bring It On:
My 2004 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited is fully equipped for Anthropogenic Climate Change (ACC)/Global Warming/Global Cooling/Climate Change/Climate Disruption, General Ecological Collapse, and The Impending Apocalypse.
Australian Jeff Hall would like to offer apologies for his Jag:
This baby did 12 mpg before the engine management upgrade. I regret it may now be more like 15. Sorry.
When Archie and Edith Bunker sing "gee our old LaSalle ran great," Jim Hughes of Connecticut knows what they mean:
My wife decided we needed something with more room than our 36 LaSalle coupe has. What do you do when your wife says she wants you to buy an old car? You buy it unless you're crazy or you want to sleep on the couch. Attached in all of it's gas guzzling glory is a picture of our latest acquisition, a 1937 LaSalle four door sedan with my friend Brian and my dog Tyler. Somewhere along the line the 322 C. I. LaSalle motor was replaced with a 1941 346 C. I. Caddy motor. For a big car it goes pretty fast and yes, the 37 LaSalle transmission does have a nice ratio and shifts smoothly. The misses isn't too fond of the WWII staff car look so it will probably end up getting painted soon. I thought it would be a hoot to paint our faces green, wear all green fatigues and go to a cruse night. Well, one of us thinks it would be a hoot anyway.
Ain't nothing in this world more handsome than a fully-patinaed beater truck, and as always the Earth Week cruise will feature a load of 'em. First up, a swanky Chevy from Sacramento's Rich Johnson:
I'd like to join in the Earth Week fun with a classic. This is a 1967 Chevy C20 Longbed Stepside pickup truck. In honor of Earth Week, this truck features:
Filth emitting 283 V8
No smog control equipment
Evil multinational corporate logo
Minimal safety equipment
And, one day, virgin old growth redwood bed just for fun.
This beauty has been staving off the next ice age for the past 47 years. Here's to another 5 decades.
Long time readers will recall our old pal& hair tonic supplier Doc Lee and his adventures in Iraq with the mighty Dumb Vee, festooned with refrigerator magnets sent by Iowahawk readers like you. Well, happy to say Doc is back home in the Ozarks where nowadays he tools around in this eye-catching Jeep:
From Siloam Springs Arkansas' leading one-eyed Chiropractor and magnet enthusiast, I humbly submit my 1978 Jeep J-10. 360 C.I. V8, factory 4 barrel, 4 speed (which I drive in granny gear, to more efficiently emit lifesaving greenhouse gases) and just for the occasion, I vented the freon from the A/C to the atmosphere to do my part in removing as much ozone as possible (known by the state of California to be a pollutant).
It's sister, a 1990 Grand Wagoneer is currently having it's freon similarly vented. No need to thank me.
P.S. I parked in that handicapped spot just because I'm an asshole.
"I'm with the band!" says Robert Carlisle's tour-tested Chevy:
This 1985 Chevy van was my band's vehicle for almost twenty years, traveling up and down the east coast from Oxford, Mississippi to Princeton, New Jersey with its stock 350 drinking the gas and spewing the carbon (as well as other illegal fumes from within the passenger compartment). The odometer turned over once and hit the 70,000 + mark when the instruments quit working but it was on the road for another 5 years before retiring on my patio as a storage shed for musical equipment and anything else that wouldn't fit in the house. Never used a drop of oil that entire time. After a few problems crept up it sat unused for ten years so I feel guilty for wasting all that time when it could have been pouring exhaust into the Charlotte sky. Hated to get rid of it last summer but the wife insisted. She and I were the only people connected to the van that never had sex in it. It smelled like a combo of frat houses, mildewed clothes and really good pot. Sold it for $350 (1$ for each C.I.). Hopefully, it has been brought back to life and continues to enhance the environment.
Minnesota Sky King Jerrod Lindquist employs his aircraft in the cause of science:
My airplane (currently mine but pic was taken when it was owned by a previous pilot) patrolling the shores, monitoring the scientifically-settled, AGW-caused rising sea levels – also ironically spewing carbon directly into the upper atmosphere and causing said rising levels. For those not in the know, “Ironically Spew” is an actual setting on airplane engines.
Schlitz may have made Milwaukee famous, but it was Harley-Davidson that made it badass - as this entry from "Unclefacts Meteor-Summoner" demonstrates:
Yeah it's orange. Problem with that?
2009 Harley Road Glide with some bits. Goes fast for a harley. 107 cubic inches, pipes and a power commander.
Eco-sensitive craft tofu farmer Lezlie Peabody is a wise steward of Mother Earth atop this green machine:
This is a 1970 John Deere 4020. We farm two thousand acres of soybeans and corn. We use this to run an auger that loads grain in the bins. It just sits there stationary, running, burning massive amounts of fossil fuel. I'm just doing my part to feed America!
TUESDAY APRIL 22
What better way to greet Official Earth Day Day than this? When it comes to warming the climate, Gary Donovan says MOPAR or NO CAR:
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi! The annual Earth Week Cruise always features some impressive entries from our friends Down Under, thanks to my old pal Tim Blair. Like this one from real life Road Warrior Garry Graham:
I thought it an appropriate salute during my recent 18 day, 9000km carbon-fuelled adventure around the eastern half of Australia.
Here's another Australian entry from Mick Baker, who has graphically hopped up his Holden to support the greatest green program in history- capitalism!
G’day Dave, I am a first time entrant, but long time reader and supporter of your global warming efforts. This is my ride, which I have recently branded with my business livery. It’s just a Holden Commodore Acclaim 6-cylinder - nothing special about it. The reason I am entering it in the competition is twofold: (1) Shameless self-promotion - especially of my iPhone and Android app that could save someone you love’s life called iNeedHelp. (2) The simple fact that every fortnight I drive a 250km round trip twice to pick up my son for the weekend (which costs me around $50 in petrol - my ex pays the other half) when I could pay $3 and catch the train to pick him up.
Viva capitalism! Viva spending money and petrol in the furtherance of branding!
So you think your car is green? Check out the power plant on Don Hudnall's bitchin' Trans Am:
I submit a truly green car for you annual Cruise In - my 1985 Pontiac Trans Am. It is powered by chlorophyll. Where do I sign up for my Obama green-fuel subsidy?
Joe Merlino trumpets his Trumpet:
2003 Triumph Bonneville America. 790 CCs of pure internal combustion fury.
Richard Phillips knows the greenest car is the one you've already got:
Comrade Iowahawk: In case you decide to have an Obama-approved category, I submit for your consideration my 62-horsepower 1984 Toyota Tercel. I bought this vehicle new, and as of today has 412,356 miles on the original engine. Averaging 36.4 mpg over the past few years, this vehicle has survived the threats of nuclear winter and global warming without a single airbag.
Gaia-approved safety features include no air conditioning. Yes, this is rather brutal during humid South Carolina summers, but think of all the ozone that has not been depleted during the past 31 years! Notice also the convenient highlighting of the "55" on the speedometer. I cannot help but rejoice at how many times this reminder has convicted me of my excessive carbon footprint!
Somewhere on planet Earth, Al Gore is pleased. (Just don't tell him I bought my wife an SUV.)
If you can't get excited about a vast chorus of gas-powered lawn equipment singing in heavenly harmony then you are reading the wrong damn blog, bub. Zac explains:
This is my buddies' and my collection at a tractor show running at once. It sounded great and smelled even better.
Martin Price flies through the air with the greatest of ease:
Please find herein my candidate for the 9th Annual Iowahawk Earth Week Cruise-In (which could easily have been my entry for the 8th, or the 7th, if I ever actually paid attention to things like deadlines). This is our 1989 Pitts S-2B aerobatic biplane. (3 of us co-own her. Yeah, it's a "she".) The following points are noteworthy from a Cruise In point of view:
Another fearsome entry in the lawn care division from Lezlie Peabody:
2008 Skag Wildcat.I use 5 gallons of fossil fuel every week on the property. Just doing my part.
While to the layman it may seem Corey Ford's vehicle stable already has plenty of horses, he provides a compelling technical explanation why it should have even more:
Hey, Dave, I just wanted to introduce you to my current rides: a 2013 Ford Taurus SHO AWD pumping out 365 Gaia-torturing horsepower, and a 2014 Aprilia Tuono V4R, blasting out 155 biosphere-shredding rear-wheel ponies. For those keeping score at home, that's a total of 6 wheels, ten cylinders, and 520 beautiful, polar-bear-drowning brake horsepower. As of now, both vehicles are pretty much in stock form, but I hope to soon upgrade the Aprilia with an Akrapovic exhaust that adds another 5-10 hp or so, and, for the SHO, go the whole hog: Hennessey MaxBoost 445 kit, that boosts the hp to (you guessed it), 445, a figure that should make Al Gore cry himself to sleep in his 20,000 sq ft hypocritical luxo-mansion.
Now, you might be saying, both of these vehicles are pretty much off the charts in terms of performance, so does either of them actually NEED any more horsepower? The answer, of course, is a resounding YES. Why? Because, MORE.
MONDAY APRIL 21
Let's lead off the 2014 carbon cavalcade with these entries from Steve Thompson, who embodies the whole Earth Cruise spirit:
I love your Earth Day pics. I have a 2001 Harley Ultra Glide named Bettie-Lou that gets good mileage but because it is what it is getting on it and riding around all over the place to waste gas is part of the allure of it. Not to mention the two fine examples of some nice eye candy too! Also, my RV with the bike trailer is no doubt the best way to travel in my book. The RV is named Maybelline and her bored and stroked 454 Chevy now has 496 C.I. and puts out about 325 HP and a whole heck of a lot of torque!
Taciturn Eric Davis prefers to let this pic of his Porsche Carerra at Lake of the Ozarks speak for itself:
Kentuckian John Collins shares his smooth-as-Bourbon Squarebird:
Our 1959 Ford Thunderbird, with a 352 ci V8. Guzzling gas at a rate of 9-10 mpg.
Rick Mance has me seeing double with his blown stroker Camaro:
1968 Camaro Convertible. Supercharged 383 Chevy Small Block. 390 ft-lbs of torque at the wheels. Muncie 4 Speed. Sweet ride. And it's for sale!
Drew Felt of St. Louis MO shows that with a little ingenuity you can coax car-like gas mileage out of a two wheeler:
Cheap thrills. Twenty-seven hundred bucks can buy a 1986 V-Max with a Stage 7 jet kit, swiss-cheese airbox, and a Kerker 4-2-1/Supertrapp exhaust. Healthy doses of throttle keep the mpgs down in the 20's.
Out in Phoenix, Michael Perkins keeps the desert air toasty with his GT 500 'Stang:
Note that I am fully capable of pulling up to the eco douche with no ac & opened windows & overcome them with exhaust… Not that I would EVER do that ;)
Delaware is the home of America's handsomest license plates, as well as Steve Kay and his Jumbo-sized Mini:
I purchased this 2012 MINI Countryman ALL4 in February. I thought the tailpipe tips were powder coated black, but it turns out that when driven in Sport Mode, it actually injects extra fuel during deceleration to cause popping, burbling and carbon sooting. The vanity tag, jiayou, is Chinese for "add petrol".
When it comes to snow removal, this entry from New York's Paul Pomona packs a 1-2 punch:
With a near record amount of Global Warming in The Hudson Valley of NY this winter, Was sure glad to have my 1971 Bolens 1254 Gas guzzling, oil burning, smoke belching tractor snowblower to keep the neighborhood driveways clear. She don't look so purty and sounds like a pile driver but still throws the snow a good 25 feet. Think it's safe now to switch out the blower for the garden tiller and then the mower deck to insure a continued carbon foot print thru spring/summer.
Typical Pacific Northwest eco-extremist Brian of Redmond, Washington likes to feed the trees with his T-bird:
Here is my freshly restored pre-catalytic converter 1965 T-Bird with the FE390 engine. Enhancements include Edelbrock Performer Cam, intake manifold, and carburator, along with Headers and oversized stainless steel exhaust, all optimized for efficient delivery of that essential life-giving CO2. This car has been serving mother Gaia for just short of a half century.