Burge Brain Guide
Just a quickie before I self-medicate myself to sleep this A.M. here in Prius... I came across this revolutionary new system while slogging around on the Intertubes and immediately thought of the plight of Burge's kids, Hawkspawn and Hawkette, desperately trying to understand the often bizarre and erratic behavior of their strange Papa Iowahawk...
Is Burge's Brain Hitting on all Cylinder(s)?
Must be some kind of a Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance thing going on here, thought Professor Jonathan, with Burge simultaneously playing the role of the young boy and the diversely-obsessed psycho father. Not an easy situation, but one which the Good Professor is presently going to rectify by explaining how this new scientific method - originally designed to be used for understanding "the under-developed brains of teens" - can also be employed for getting through to adults whose brains have yet to mature. In a word, people like Dave Burge.
Let's take a closer look here....
By gum, looks good to me already: this is the kind of banner-ad I always click on without hesitation - especially when I see the word stiff in it. A sure sign that something good is sure to follow!
Now just take Professor Jonathan's advice and do a bit of creative editing on the contents: every time you see 'teen' just think 'Burge' and each time there's a reference to the mischievous things teens aren't supposed to do, like setting up a meth lab in Mom's kitchen or lighting up a doobie in math class, just substitute the three basic Burge 'H's: hooch, hoopties and hooters.
The careful study of this method will enable you to learn why Burge acts the way he does – and how you can help him make healthy decisions, avoid dangerous risk-taking, and prevent
substance alcohol abuse. Videos of teens and a parent management expert, along with helpful tools, show kids what to ask, what to say, and what to do. See, you don't even have to think any more, since they've done all the thinking for you.
This ribbing of Onca Dave aside, Professor Jonathan's Lesson of the Day is exactly that: beware of people who've done all the thinking for you - no matter how good or noble the cause. This is actually one of the subtler points of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" - and one which most people miss, since to put it as politely as possible, parts of the book are fucking unreadable for average idiots like us. In addition to being really dangerous - in this case, the poor bastard in the story literally drove himself nuts by using his reason to try to map existence out to the last nanometer - you have to avoid people like that at all costs if you want to preserve your own sanity.
And even if this is neither Burge's nor my problem anymore, try and make sure it doesn't become yours.
Now get the hell out of here and let me have some quality time with Poopzilla the Pigeon.