Hell's iPod

Over the years the music industry has provided the listening public a treasure trove of musical excrescence, but only an elite few deserve recognition as instruments of torture.   I humbly offer a few examples of these Olympian earwigs. Please feel free to offer your own suggestions in comments.

Caution: not safe for work. Not safe for home. Not safe for anywhere.

Click if you dare.

UPDATE CAUTION: NOW CONTAINS 27%  RUPERT HOLMES ADDITIVES

White Plains -- My Baby Loves Lovin'

Terry Jacks -- Seasons in the Sun

Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods -- Billy Don't Be a Hero

Captain & Tenille -- Muskrat Love

Tony DiFranco & the DiFranco Family -- Heartbeat (It's a Love Beat)

Bobby Goldsboro -- Honey

Sammy Johns -- Chevy Van

Debbie Boone -- You Light Up My Life

RUPERT HOLMES UPDATE

For whatever reason (I blame trauma), I neglected to include the astonishing cannibalism-stalking-alcoholism soft perv rock oeuvre of Rupert Holmes in the initial posting. Consider it fixed, and you're welcome.

The Buoys -- Timothy

Written by Rupert Holmes and performed by the Buoys, the soft rock pride of Wilkes-Barre PA. Perhaps the finest cannibalism ballad ever to reach the top 20.

Rupert Holmes - Him

him HIM HIIIMMMM

Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Comments

[Craigfluence]

Sorry! Forgot the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU0R9qmtLQA

[iowahawk]

Yipes.

Pass the brain bleach please.

[dc]

Wait, you forgot to include this crapola for the victrola;
'Coven' and their version of "Tin Soldier" from the equally crepulent "Billy Jack" movie.

[Patrick S]

Indiana Wants Me (but I can't go back there)
by R. Dean Taylor

[Paul S]

Did someone say "stalking?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnejNGprm3I

("Every Breath You Take" -- the Police)

That album (SYNCHRONICITY) was chock full o' hell...what about Synchronicity II? "Another suburban family morning/grandmother screaming at all"

[Brandon Burt]

Yes, thank you for adding the "Run Joey Run" link--I was going to do it if nobody else did! It's amazing the reaction that will get when you play it at a party ...

[Tragic]

I'm glad someone remembered "The Night Chicago Died," possibly my favorite craptastic song ("Daddy was a cop on the east side of Chicago" -- the east side of Chicago is a lake, son!) And "Honey" -- she obviously killed herself to escape that donk she was married to.

The worst Dr. Hook song was actually "Sylvia's Mother" --1.5 million copies sold, no one will admit buying it.

"One Tin Soldier": chords stolen from Pachelbel, the denounment the most stupid hippie sh-t you can imagine -- and it's the theme to "Billy Jack," for added crapulence!

Anything by Seals and Crofts. Anything. In any time but the '70's, these guys couldn't even get a gig working a Ren fair.

"Oh Babe, What Would You Say?" by Hurricane Smith. Obviously, there was a vinyl surplus in the 1970's and the record companies were doing anything they could to get rid of it.

"Black and White" by Three Dog Night. This would make a great set with "Ebony and Ivory" by Makka and Jacko and "Society's Child" by Janis Ian. Or not.

[Thomas J. Herling]

In one of the more bizarre collisions in popular music, Toni Tenille can be heard singing backup vocals on Pink Floyd's "The Wall." No kidding.

[cratedigger]

this shit is now called Yacht Rock or some crap.
Ahoy capn

[cratedigger]

this shit is now called Yacht Rock or some crap.
Ahoy capn

[schuppanzigh]

Always a woman by Billy Joel

Anything by Billy Joel

[Lance]

I was okay with all of this...then I saw Debbie Boone. Yes, she was halfway hot back then, but the mind-bending, brake-slamming truth was just a step behind her cuteness. It was the thought of her daddy, Pat Boone, with his white shoes, white belt and TV bible thumping. And to top off this absolutely effective Epicac cocktail, she wasn't singing about her main squeeze. She was singing about Jesus!

**blowing serious chunks here**

[Lance]

...and she had those...Baptist teeth.

[Declan]

These are great! Yer all a bunch of hard hearted meanies! ;)

D

[palais]

" Yummy Yummy Yummy" was by the Ohio Express, not 1910 Fruitgum Company. Although I don't blame anyone for the confusion.

My least favorite song in history is " They're Coming To Take Me Away" by Napoleon XVI. My mother thought it was appropriate to sing this song every night while chopping vegetables for dinner.

Another winner is " You're Having My Baby", by Paul Anka. Seriously, kill me.

And of course, the joy of " Tell Laura I Love her" and anything by Bobby Vinton.

I find " Young Girl" by Gary Puckett offensive, because he's singing about jail bait, and he can't control his urges, so he blames her for his lechery. Charming.

[Dancebert]

I grew up in the 60s. I'm glad Rock music reached these levels of crapitude in the 70s. That caused four men in their mid-twenties from Queens NY to strip rock back down to it's bare bones, flip off the rest of the music scene and lead the way to a new era.

R.I.P.
The Ramones
1974 - 1996

[DB Ferguson]

This is like Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs, but with the accompanying, terrifying videos.

(btw, that is one of the greatest and most nightmare inducing books ever to be published. I highly recommend it.)

[Bob Jones]

Rupert Holmes is a reverse genius of pop songs but to me his ultimate achievement has to be 'The Answering Machine' song. Does anyone have a link to that?

[Nurse Bob]

One that always makes me throw up a little in my mouth is "For the Love of Him" by Bobbi Martin done in 1970.

I have never hated Rupert Holmes' music as much as I do now. Thank you for reminding me of "Timothy". Now I miss my mule (he was de-lish!)

[John_H]

How could you forget Sylvia's Mother?

And the o-per-ator says forty cents more -- for the next --- three --- minutes ---

Oh, and I second Hotel California. :-)

[Randy Thornton]

I recommend playing all the videos together at the same time. Makes an interesting John Cagian experience -- a cacophony except you can clearly hear the vocal to "Honey" above the background of all the other songs. Needs a little normalization.

[Ewan Mee]

I have to agree with Don Miller Jr.

These songs all stand head and shoulders above the crap that sells as "music" these days!!!

They're all included in the 26,000 songs I currently have on my iPod.

(see Rhino's Have a Nice Day series 1-25!!!)

[Scot]

I think you've covered the 70's pretty well. Moving to the crap-tastic 80's would require another site altogether.

My submission for the 80's: We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off, by Jermaine Stewart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID_N7rv-iN8

Drink some cherry wine...uh huh...

[Bpaul]

Freaking awesome post, WELL DONE SIR! I salute the gastrointestinal fortitude it took to pull this off.

Bp

[Sam West]

In this parade of crapular songs, you should include "Imagine" by John Lennon.
Some would call this a hymn for a new age, but if no-one knew it was John Lennon, they might call it self-important, self-pitying whining by someone who didn't get to run the world, mixed in a musical pseudo-hippie fog worthy "Sunshine" by John Denver or "Share the Land" by whoever wrote that crap. Seriously, listen to the song; this is Spinal Tap's "Listen to the Flower People" done by someone who was smart and talented enough to know better. Being John Lennon does not excuse everything. Also, it doesn't rock.